( We see The SOL; Mike is hurriedly building something )

Crow : Awww, Mike! You promised no more tinkering after last week's decompression incident.

Mike : Crow, I am trying to build a device capable of generating a small artificial wormhole. This way, we can all duck out through it, and bypass Castle Forrester. Now, are you gonna help, or crack wise?

Crow : Believe it or not, Mike, I'd like to help. But a complete lack of faith in your ability to actually DO this thing, coupled with a complete lack of usable arms, sadly prevents me. Say, where's Servo?

( Tom Servo falls from some unseen dizzy height )

TS : Aaaagghghhh!!! Nelson, you MORON! I've been in space for a week, after you decompressed the cabin! Say, what are you doing now?

Crow : He's messing with the rules of Time+Space, oh, and I borrowed your underwear collection.

TS : GOOD LORD! Do you realize the fundamental forces you are trifling with?

Crow : See, Mike? Tom thinks you shouldn't try and build a wormhole, either.

TS : Not him! He has about as much chance of succeeding as Bobo and Observer have of reproducing. I was talking about my underwear collection!

Crow : Oh, well. Its a good thing, then. Yeah. A very good thing.

TS : Crow--what, precisely, is this good thing whereof you speak?

Crow : Its a Darn Good Thing I destroyed the evidence of what I did.

TS : Oh, well, if you destroyed the...evidence...? CROW! Where is my underwear collection?

Crow : I put the whole kit and kaboodle where they'll be no tribble at all.

TS : You gave it to The Klingons?

Crow : Gosh...Now, that might have been an idea. Nope, though. I beamed it all into space.

TS : SPACE!?

Crow : Yep. Absolute Zero. Boy, that Klingon idea really had merit. Tom, where were you when I destroyed your most prized possession? Thanks a lot, PAL!

TS : Crow, some of that underwear dates all the way back to KTM.......

Mike : Hey, guys...guess what? Wormhole's done--and it works, too.

TS : You mean, 'this time for sure, Rocky comes out of the hat, I'm
gettin close' works?

Crow : Or is it, 'Land Of The Lost', 'gee Chaka got eaten by Big Alice, we have to cook Enoch to survive, and Will and Holly now spend a LEETLE too much time together' works?

Mike : What episode...Never mind. It works. We'll make our break after the fanfic is done. Oh, I hope nothing goes wrong. Of course, only one thing could.

TS : And what is that inevitability, Mike?

Mike : Wellll---if someone were to beam soiled fabrics into it....nahhhh. Underwear in space? You guys are right. My brain is going soft. Uh-oh. We've got a call from Jeanette, Lacroix, and Rachon. ( On monitor appears Pearl Forrester )

PF : Well, if it isn't Nelsonic The Hedgehog! Mike--I worry about you. Truly.

Mike : Gee, thanks Pearl. I....

PF : No. Not Truly. I guess my main concern is that you are growing accustomed to the pain I inflict. As a responsible torturer, this, needless to say, concerns me. I could try and remedy this by leavening the mix with some high-caliber well-written fanfic like 'Oswiecim' by Gabrielle Lawson. But Mike, Crow, Tom--that's just not me.

Crow : Pearl--NEVER go against your nature.

TS : Be true to who and what you are.

MIke : You are evil personified, Pearl. Trying to be something you're not--well, its just wrong, is what it is!

Pearl : Thank You, guys. I love you. Now---I knew I had to strike out in a different direction, in order to better lash out at you. Then, I found this. Have you heard of 'Behold, The Ancient Destroyer!'?

Mike : Well, yeah. Its been well-recieved.

TS : Kudos right and left.

Crow : A serial that hooks you.

Pearl : Yes, so I've heard. Its your fic for today.

M : All right!

Crow : Oh, man, Pearl....wow!

TS : We're....being set up something awful, aren't we?

Pearl : Mmmhmmm. You see, the version you're going to be seeing is NOT the one people liked. No, this is the original version---the one that God Awful Trek placed at dead bottom of its bad fanfic list. The one the author himself was forced to abandon, after six long months of work. The one you have to Deja to see bare fragments of. The one where Captain Kirk doesn't even appear until SEVEN chapters in! Oh, and the author didn't know how to properly space lines at the time. The whole thing is...well, you'll see---you'll all see!! Its a combo of a Toho Monster and an unmade Star Trek TV series.

Mike : We'll just see about seeing about us all seeing, See? By the way, where's BrainGuy and Bobo?

Pearl : Who?

TS : You know--your nutty assistants and chewtoys?

Crow : Your half-again helpers?

Pearl : Oh, Crow...When have I ever needed helpers? Scream loudly for Auntie Pearl, OK?

( Lights flash )

All : WE HAVE FANFIC SIGN!!!!

( They enter the theater )

Onscreen : BEHOLD, THE ANCIENT DESTROYER! BY ROBERT EDWARD MORRIS

TS : Ancient Destroyer? Can't we get a new model? Trade Up?

Crow : Nah, can't afford it. Keep this one, but rotate the heads.

Mike : Behold---now is that an order, or a suggestion? Cause I'm just not good with orders, ya know?

Onscreen : ONE OF ONE WAS THE LAST OF ALL THE BORG. THE EVIL KING GHIDORAH HAD SMASHED ALL THE OTHERS.

Mike : One Of One is the loneliest designation that you'll ever know.

TS : But Two Of Two can be as bad as One Of One. Its the loneliest designation since One Of One. Crow : ( Singing ) Ghidorah--oh-Ghidorah, tell me have you seen Ghidorah-- Ghidorah The Three-Headed Monster. Even in solitary, he's never alone, Ghidorah The Three-Headed Monster!

Onscreen : ALL THE RACES THAT HAD ONCE FEARED THE BORG WERE KILLED. THE ONE TRUE ENEMY OF LIFE HAD WIPED THE DELTA QUADRANT CLEAN.

TS : How'd he manage that? I can never get my quadrant REALLY clean.

Crow : Well, being a King, I'm sure Ghidorah gets a bulk discount on bleach and soap.

Mike : The way he bobs his heads, kind of looks like a monstrous Forrest Gump.

Crow : As opposed to what other kind of Forrest Gump?

Onscreen : THE FEMALE FOUNDER FELT A PROFOUND SENSE OF HORROR. SHE KNEW THAT SHE HAD TO GET BACK TO HER HOMEWORLD.

TS : She had left the iron on, and burnt a hole in herself.

Crow : She awakes during Armageddon--and with the worst breath of the day.

Mike : Do all senses of horror have to be profound? Can't some be sublime?

Onscreen :  SHE SAW GHIDORAH'S HEADS SUNK INTO THE GREAT LINK. SHE WAS TOO LATE. THE ANCIENT DESTROYER HAD LITERALLY DRUNK HER PEOPLE.

TS: Now, he's in for it! Everyone knows The Great Link was a high-cholesterol dining option.

Mike : Does Ghidorah get a prize if he drinks every last drop of shapeshifter?

Crow : In desperation, The Founder tickled Ghidorah, and her people came snorting out of his nose as he laughed.

Onscreen : HEADS BOBBING WILDLY, GHIDORAH FLEW ONWARD TO MORE DEATH, FOR SUCH WAS HIS NATURE.

TS : Nothing could stop this flight, for the vacuum of space had been replaced with an Earth-like atmosphere, which meant the useless wings weren't useless anymore, merely decorative. Later, he had them embroidered with metal studs. This proved his undoing, though, as Kirk hid the penicillin. The Ancient Destroyer died as a result of an otherwise controllable infection. More's the pity.

Mike : Well, your heads would be bobbing wildly, too, if there were no female Ghidorahs to speak of.

Crow : Shake, Shake, Shake--Ghidorah-- Shake Your Heads In Time! Work – Work-Work --Ghidorah---Til The End Of Time. Ghidorah, he's a sensation--causes much aggravation--He dances Apocalypso..

Onscreen : BUT SOON HE WOULD FACE JAMES T. KIRK - AND THE ENTERPRISE.

TS : Spock-how--big--is--he?

Crow : Approximately Three YayBigs, Captain. He's hellabig. Plus, you know what they say about the size of a dragon's heads.

Mike : If Kirk lines the saucer section with string and razors, he could yo-yo Ghidorah to death.

( Theater closes up )

Mike : Oh, no! Pearl is trying to close my wormhole.

Pearl : Mike, Mike! We can't have anybody leaving before champagne and brownies. So this little ozone-depleting laser will just reseal---NO! Someone beamed dirty underwear into the wormhole. This is the worst kind of disaster--one that affects ME!

Crow : Ok, now I think we all agree that this is all Tom's fault for maintaining that underwear collection. Great going, TOM!

TS : I...I'm sorry, Crow. Now, you should run while I reload this shotgun.

Mike : Hey, something is coming through the wormhole..Pearl, do you see it?

Pearl : Yes, Mike, I do. It looks like......

( Reality Shift )

Doctor Clayton Forrester : It looks like a ship, Nelson. Take the Satellite Of War and investigate. Frank, anything?

TV's Frank : Yeah. If you mix Yogurt and granola cereal together, they taste yummy in my tummy!

DCF : Mike, find out about that ship while I strangle this latest Frank-clone.

Mike : Aye, Sir. Hey, Servo, where are you?

TS : Over here, Mike.

Mike : I can't see you. Any of you.

Crow : Oh, here's the problem, sir. We were all living in some alternate world until just now, and I kind of hit the light dimmer as we went through. There!

Gypsy : I have identified the approaching ship. It is The Satellite Of Love. Registry NCC-KTMA.

Mike : But the SOL-KTMA was lost--a while ago.

Gypsy : I think I know where it went, now.

TS : Where, Gypsy?

Gypsy : Out there in front of us.

TS : Uh, Gypsy? I......wait, something's wrong. Doctor Forrester? Where's your mother, the Lawgiver?

DCF : ( Holding Bloody pieces of Frank ) Lawgiver? Well, Tom--she can be quite the little tyrant at times—but she's no lawgiver. Mike, beam aboard and get that ship's Experiment Log. It'll tell us what happened to it, back in 88.

( Aboard SOL-KTMA )

Joel : Heyyyy---Crow, did you hit the dimmer switch again? I really wish you wouldn't do that every time we bump through eternity. I can never find anything.

Crow-2 : Heyyy--Its a legally protected fetish! Whoa--I sound like--I'm different.

TS-2 : I'm sure glad we went through that wormhole. I just can't believe that somebdy left so much good underwear floating in hyperspace.

Joel : Ok guys, remember--don't tell these people anything about their past, alright?

TS-2 : Joel---Its the other way around.

Crow-2 : Yeah, they can't tell US anything about OUR past! Geez, don't you know anything?!!!! Its like.....well, I don't know what its like, but you can bet its like something.

( Aboard The Satellite Of War )

Cmdr. Mike : So, that's the Satellite Of Love, Model KTMA.

Crow1 : I say we blow it up.

Servo1 : I'm forced to agree, Mike. In its present state, it presents a dire threat to our existence.

Mike : But Tom, its just kind of floating there, helplessly.

Servo1 : Ah, but look at the WAY in which its floating there, helplessly. Highly provocative.

Mike : Crow, do you also percieve it as a threat?

Crow1 : Nah. I just like to see things blow up--its that thing I do.

Servo1 : Yes, The Nanite War has hardened us all, my friend.

Crow1 : Oh, its not The Nanite War. I'm just generally misanthropic by nature. So-- blows dat puppy UP! Haha!

Mike : Guys, we can't just blow things up.

Crow1 : Is it because the Butcher Of Nanitia Nine has suddenly developed a conscience?!

Servo1 : Or is it because the man who slips through time like a drunken ballerina on Voyager is suddenly afraid of altering the timeline?

Mike : Well, its neither. Its that we don't have any weapons. The last budget cutbacks left us high and dry. I'm not even sure we could moon them.

Servo1 : Hmmm. Not...much of a Satellite Of War, then, is it?

Crow1 : Kind of makes us the British Bobby of warships, doesn't it?

Mike : I wish. We don't even have any nightsticks! Hey--we could approach them in a menacing pattern.

Servo1 : Great idea, Mike. How-do we do that, exactly?

Crow1 : Never mind how, Tom! Warp speed--now!!!

Servo : Crow, we're in a solar system.

Crow1 : Oh. Then--Rainbow Effect-NOW!

Mike : That'll larn em'! Today, History will remember the name----The Name---Name --No, Don't Tell Me.....

-------------------------------------------
( Satellite Of Love, KTMA )

Crow2 : I say we blow em....Heyyyyy, Cheez-Its!

Servo2 : I agree, Joel. I mean, who knows what twisted, pathetic, evil minds lurk over there?

Joel : You guys are way too violent, lately. But they are using a menacing approach rainbow. I better use my 'Tommy Johnson' gun on them. It was gonna be my invention exchange--but these are kinda desperate times.

Servo2 : Is that like a Tommy Gun Automatic?

Crow2 : Oooh! Dibs!

Joel : No, no. My 'Tommy Johnson' gun fires a Bimbo-Girl from one of those 80's Teen-Beach-Sex films at the enemy.

Crow2 : Tommmm........

Servo2 : Yes, Crow. It has happened. We're firing girls at them---pay up!

Joel : The Bimbo Is---Away!!

---------------------------------------
( SOW )

( We see a young woman wearing only a bikini bottom, covering her bare chest with one arm, pummeling Mike with the other. Mike is holding her bikini top, which was beamed into his hand )

Bimbo : Tommy Johnson!! You give me my top back, THIS INSTANT!!

Mike : Owwww!!!!

Servo1 : Why doesn't she just grab it back?

Crow1 : Nah. She can't. She has to chase him all over the beach, arm over ta-tas. Its the law!

Bimbo : I'm warning you, Tommy Johnson! This doesn't impress me one bit!

Mike : Owwww!!! Wait--the laws of teen beach sex movies can work to my advantage, too. Ok--I'll give you your top back---in exchange for your bikini bottom.

( Joel, observing on SOL )

Joel : No! He's using her utter lack of brains against her!

 SOW )
Bimbo : ( Calmer )  Wellll--Ok.

( Removes the bottom off-camera, tosses it to Mike )

Bimbo : Now, give me my top back.

Mike : Hey, no way. You want these back-- we have to do the deed.

Bimbo : But you promised! Oh, you jerk! You're just lucky I like you, Tommy Johnson!

Mike : This is The USA Network Late Night Friday Movie!

( Bimbo vanishes )

( Aboard SOL )

Joel : Our foe is wily and clever.

Crow2 : Seems more like dumb luck to me.

Servo2 : Emphasis on the dumb. Where'd the girl go? And why'd she give in to his demands so easily?

Joel : Y'see, Tom, in those movies, once you get a girl naked, she has to do it with you--even if you killed her family, or bathe in garlic, or were involved in the making of Ishtar.

Crow 2 : Shudder!! But that still doesn't explain her 'I am for D'iamato' Lee Merriweather fade-out.

Joel : Well, that just proves our foe's intelligence. Y'see, once he said that the movie I beamed her out of was being shown on USA Network, they automatically cut out the sex scene.

Servo2 : That poor buxom piece of easy white trash was censored out of existence. Oh, The Holography!

Gypsy2 : Guys? We're being boarded.

Joel : Oh, no, we're not! Once I hit this switch, it'll make them not want to board us anymore. Now---

( The four SOL'ers end up on the SOW )

Mike : Give it up! You're surrounded.

Servo2 : Uh, Joel? This helps exactly--HOW?

Joel : ( Smiles, and shakes his finger ) Ahhh, but you'll notice they no longer want to board us.

Mike : All right Mister--Talk!

Joel : Hey, you expect me to talk without first offering an omniscient alternate universe explanation? Yewww rank amateur.

Mike : Hey, I'm--sorry. But this whole Nanite War thing has really got me down.

Joel : You're at war with the Nanites? But they're such peaceable little fellas.

Mike : Well, they were--til Crow started chewing on the computer's motherboard.

Crow1 : Just because my mining activities killed the queen and a lot of her eggs, those little so-and-so's declare Holy War on My Butt-Ocks! I mean, the Nerve!

Crow2 : Don'cha just hate some people? A little genocide, and they're.....

( The Crows look at one another )

Crows : Saaaaayyyyyy!!!!!

Servo1 : Wow, this whole doppelganger thing makes me really wish I hadn't told my counterpart about his future.

Mike : Servo! How much did you tell him?

Servo2 : Oh, relax, Mike. He left off right after 'Danger : Diabolik'. Oh, hey--that's pretty much everything, isn't it?

Joel : Don't worry, Mike. We're conveniently from another dimension, that just resembles your past.

Mike : Well, thank goodness for this ship's Deus Ex Machina drive, that's all I'm sayin'.

( The two Gypsies walk up )

Gypsy1 : After extensive work with my counterpart, we have reached the following stunning analysis of our current situation.

Joel : Yeah?

Mike : And?

Gypsy2 : Ahem--There are currently two of each of us, except for Mike and Joel. Phew! I'm bushed.

Gypsy1 : What an exhausting report!

( They waddle off, everyone just kind of rolls their eyes )

( ALARM SOUNDS )

SOW Crew : WE HAVE FANFIC SIGN!!

Joel : Fanfic? In the middle of a war?

Mike : It keeps us sharp.

Crow1 : It keeps us alert.

Servo1 : Not so you'd notice.

( All six amble into theatre )

Onscreen : ROMULAN CAPTAIN T'RED KNEW HIS PEOPLE WERE FOOLISH TO TRY AND CONTROL KING GHIDORAH.

Servo1 : The Romulans are such control freaks.

Servo2 : Yeah, nothing like the Remusians. In fact, all of Remus is pretty laid back, now that I think about it.

Mike : Don't the Romulans understand? If you love a three-headed Ancient Destroyer, you have to set him free.

Joel : They don't really love Ghidorah. They just want to use him as a weapon, and then later on they'll just have him hover overhead at Car Shows.

Onscreen : T'RED COULD SAY NOTHING, FOR FEAR OF THE TAL'SHIAR AGENT, T'JAN. HIS EARS WERE EVERYWHERE, SEARCHING FOR DISLOYALTY TO THE EMPIRE. FORTY-SIX SHIPS HAD BEEN LOST TO THE EFFORT AT TOWING GHIDORAH.

Servo2 : Ten! Twenty! Thirty! Forty! Fifty or more. That bloody Ghidorah--was rolling up the score!

Crow2 : And everybody knew you didn't give no lip to T'Jan---

Crow1 : Big T'Jan--

Crows : BIG BAD T'JAN!

Servo1 : Couldn't they have got Triple A to tow Ghidorah? Lots cheaper, and they are professionals.

Mike : Even easier. Just tell Ghidorah he won Super Bowl tickets—then bag him, when he arrives.

Joel : Or just give him some jalapenoes, and tell him there's a pitcher of water on Romulus. Military types--Feh!

Onscreen : HAVING DESTROYED ROMULUS, GHIDORAH NOW HEADED FOR Q'ONOS. WOULD EVEN THE KLINGONS BE ABLE TO STOP THIS NIGHTMARE MADE FLESH? OR WOULD FOOLISH MEN LIKE CAPTAIN KRUGE DOOM THAT WORLD, TOO?

Crow1 : Methinks Ghidorah has--issues.

Crow2 : Destroying worlds--its a classic sign of a loveless childhood, you ask me.

Servo1 : Would the Klingons defeat Ghidorah by using superior ILM F/X?

Servo2 : Or will they use their tractor beams to tear open the zipper on his rubber suit?

Mike : Well, if we can get Michael Dorn to intone enough, that alone should scare Ghidorah off. ( Imitates MD ) 'Ghidorah--is without Honor'!

Joel : Or get those Klingons that looked Italian and serve him Fettucine Alfredo. Heart Attack On A Plate, Ya Know!

Onscreen : ( CHEKOV ) "VE ABOARD RELIANT MUST MAKE EET BACK IN TIME TO VARN KEPTIN KIRK ABOUT THE IMPENDING DISASTER."

Crow1 : The Russians threw Chekov out because they couldn't understand a word he was saying through his thick American accent.

Crow2 : He was actually easier to understand when he had the worm in his ear. He should have let the little guy stay in. Kind of a cerebral pet.

Servo1 : Must--warn--Shatner--not-to- make Star Trek Five.

Servo2 : Hmmph! TJ Hooker wouldn't need Chekov to inform him.

Crows : Hooker's a good Cop!

Onscreen : LIKE A COMET, SPOCK SAW THE ENTERPRISE STREAK IN AND FIRE AT THE MONSTER'S THREE OPENED MOUTHS. KIRK'S MESSAGE WAS CLEAR---BACK OFF!!!

Mike : ( Stands up and points at screen) Yeah! Just back off, man! Get gone, or I'm cancelling the Anti-Christmas!

Joel : ( Does the same ) You heard the man. You don't know who you're messing with, here. If it weren't for your size, power and ferocity, your two-tailed ass'd be grass, and we'd be a big ol' lawnmower.

Crow1 : What? You shrieking at me? Did you just make wit the astral wail in my theater?

Crow2 : Ghidorah? You think I'm funny? Is that what you're tellin' me? That I am here to make you laaauughh--well, I am, but that's beside the point.

Servo1 : I think Mister Big-Bad wants a piece of us. Well, I got me a small German duchy where I'm gonna mount you, after you're stuffed. Tell me--have the heads stopped screaming yet?

Servo2 : ( Sees Ghidorah fleeing onscreen) That's right, wusso. You run. Run, so I can hunt you down like the end-of-time demon dog that you are!

All : Yeah, Yaeh! Get him! Wimp! Satellite rules! Satellite rules!

( Still slapping each other on the back as they exit theater )

Joel : You know, maybe we better have a plan just in case Ghidorah shows up here, in our little universe.

Mike : I know! We'll beam in the heroic Peter Kirk, fated slayer of Ghidorah!

Crow2 : Sure--After all, my heroes have always been characters rescued from obscurity.

Servo1 : Wait--wasn't Peter Kirk the hero in the new version, and just a supporting character in this one?

Joel : Yeah? Well, I aim to find out!

( Throws beaming switch. A man of nearly fifty shows up )

Man : Hi, I'm actor Craig Hundley. On the Original Star Trek, I played Tommy Starnes in 'And The Children Shall Lead', and Peter Kirk in 'Operation : Annihilate'. Did you know that third-tiers like me get 700$ for each autograph? Uncle Bill and Uncle Len only get 40$, cause theirs are more common.

( Joel beams him out )

Joel : Y'know, Mike--if Ghidorah shows up--

Mike : Just let him destroy the universe.

Servos : Yeah, that works for me...just let it all go.

Crows : Beats the hell...yeah, out of the alternative.

( Down In Castle Forrester )

TV's Frank : ( Sees older Pearl Forrester )

Well, gee, Mrs. F. What problem could possibly upset someone as vile and mean as yourself?

Pearl : Oh, Frank. Your fearful flattery can't help me, today. History has been altered. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE IN CHARGE!! There are supposed to be--monkeys, and brain guys--and oh, I'm not making any sense.

Frank : ( Snaps his fingers ) Oh, yeah! I was supposed to tell you about that ape and that brain guy we recovered from a collapsing alternate reality. Billy Brainless, that's me.

Pearl : (Caresses his cheek.) Frank--could I--could I--Kill You?

Frank : I was wondering when The Dickens you were gonna ask! Geez, how many hints does a young fella have to give?

Pearl : You WERE dropping hints? Oh, me. Die, Frank.

( Later, when Frank has been resuscitated )

Clayton Forrester : Now that we are all assembled, let me put it bluntly. We are losing this war. The Nanites will win within six hours.

Bobo : Oh, that gives us plenty of time. Lets all take a brief nap, and we'll wake up with a whole new attitude.

ClaytonF : Bobo, I'm putting you down to be---shot--tomorrow morning.

Bobo : No can do, Doc. I'm not what you'd call a morning person. Could you maybe shoot me in bed?

CF : Done.

Observer : Doctor, I could conjure up a superweapon with my amazing power, far greater than you can comprehend.

CF : Well, thanks, BrainGuy, is it?

Observer : It isn't.

CF : Thanks, BrainGuy, but I see your general incompetence and ineffectual nature as a mitigating factor in my efforts  to actually, you know, win this war?

Observer : Believe it or not, I can accept those terms--mainly because your mother has a gun aimed at me underneath the table.

Frank : Boy, remember Josh, who was your assistant before me? He sure makes a  great stew--and I saved his bones for soup!

CF : Bobo, I'm crossing you off for tomorrow morning's shooting. Frank here needs it more.

Bobo : Thanks a whole hell of a lot, FRANK!

Frank : Oh, Bobo. Don't be petty. After I'm shot, I'll come by and stab you.

Bobo : And after the mean things I've said---BROTHER!!!

( A sickening embrace follows )

Pearl : My little boy is back in charge! Oh, I have to kill him--otherwise, what kind of crummy mother am I?

CF : Not only will the superweapon I have win the war--but obliterate those fools on the satellites!!!! C'mon everyone--Group Cackle!!

All : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

( Bobo cries )

---------------------------------------------
( SCI-FI CHANNEL ADVERT )

Announcer : On The Next Sliders : We get rid of Remy and Maggie, thus finally eliminating everybody you might have ever given a damn about.

On The Next Highlander -- The Classic Episodes, 'Comes A Horseman' and 'Revelations 6:8' will be preempted so that we may show the Andy Kaufman/ Bernadette Peters robots-in-love classic, 'Heartbeeps'.

On 'First Wave', new aliens invade, forcing an alliance between the hero and the old invading aliens. The old aliens are subsequently humanized and made sympathetic and cuddly.

On 'Poltergeist : The Legacy' , a new episode---if you don't have Showtime.

Also, tune in for the Hack-Off between SFC and FX, as we see just how much footage can be cut out of 'MASH' and 'Star Trek' before a fan revolt occurs.

Now, back to Mystery Science Theater 3000, which you ungrateful bastard viewers should thank us for saving before we summarily canceled it again.

------------------------------------
( Aboard The SOW )

Servo1 : Guys, the Mads are calling us.

Joel : Yes, Oh Evil That Lies Within?

CF : Ah, good. All the wastrels are in one place. We, here at Greater Castle Forrester, have come up with a way to end this fun but draining War with the Nanites.

PF : It was the subject of much debate--well, not much debate...BrainGuy suggested Cannolis, and there we were!

Mike : So give. How do we end this war once and for all?

Crow2 : Yeah. I mean, the actual Nanite War only lasted three years.

Crow1 : Um, me? That was MASH.

Crow2 : Nuh-uh! No hway! MASH lasted eleven seasons! Guess I'm just a leeetle superior to my Bonaparte.

Crow1 : Your--counterpart.

Crow2 : I can see that they just breed ignoranceity here!

Crow1 : ( Leaps at him ) BREED This, Dickweed!

( They struggle mightily--not so's you'd notice )

Mike : Stop it, you two!

Servo2 : Guys, this is futile.

Crow1 : You mean because we are, in essence, the same being?

Crow2  : Because all war is ultimately futile and self-destructive?

Servo1 : Um, no. I think he meant your common lack of useful limbs for fighting.

Servo2 : But if you guys want to go with those grandiose, end-of-episode explanations---hey, who are we to argue?

Crow2 : They're No One!

Crow1 : Lets get em'!

( A free for all breaks out between the bots )

Joel : We have it once again--war between the robots.

Mike : Yeah, but its good for cleaning out the bad blood--every seven to ten years.

PF : AHEEMMMM!!! OUR plan?!

CF : Simmer down, Mother. Now, Mike, Joel....aaaaagghh!!! ( Pearl tries to garrotte him )

PF : Hush, little baby, don't say a word...uhhhh?

( Frank holds a gun up to Pearl's  eye )

Frank : Joey Bagodonutso says Hi. Now this can go one of two....saaayyyy!!

( Observer Holds Up A TV Guide )

Observer : Look, Frank. Its The Fall Preview Edition--your returning favorites!!
Now let dear Pearl....Not My Brain!!

( Josh Weinstein, Forrester's first assistant, returns! )

JW : We're about to go 'Jan-In-The-Pan' one better. Now-put-down-the-guide!

Frank : Josh? I thought I used you for stew stock!

JW : Technically, Frank, you did. But we needed everybody here, for this little shindig.

CF : What about Torgo?

JW : He's off doing a slash-thing with that guy from 'Incredibly Strange Creatures That Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies'. Folks---it gets ugly.

Observer : Gets?

Frank : Yeah. It involves serrated knives and a rock tumbler---NOT for the faint of heart.

PF : Well, I can end this Mexican standoff. Bobo--take Weinstein out! Bobo? Bobo!!!

( We see Bobo playing on The Internet )

Bobo : We download the patch--anddddd-- Lara Croft, you are bouncing around like nobody's business--cept everyone can see your business! Swat em' with those big bouncies, Lady Croft! Mmm-Nummy!! ( All the combatants now stand behind Bobo, punching their hands )

Mike : AHEMMM!!! Your plan?

( In the background, Bobo is being severely injured while Clayton talks )

CF : Here it is--in a nutshell, fellas. We have rerouted all the Nanites to The Sattelite Of War, and plan to have our mercenary blow them and you up.
 
( Holds Up A Clipboard )

Are you for or against?

Mike : ahhh--I'm gonna have to go with against, here, Doc.

Joel : Now, Mike. We gotta try and keep an open mind. ( Stops and thinks, shakes his head ) No we don't! Hey, Doctor Forrester, now just where do you get off blowing us up?

CF : Oh, well. It could be because I fancy myself the second most evil being in the entire universe!!!

Mike : All righty, then? Just who's first?

PF : Watch the wormhole--then die screaming.

Observer : Your fate shall be adjudged by one so powerful.......that....he's really, really powerful! We're talking power here.

JW : I pity the fool that doesn't pity you fools.

Mike : Good thing he only went the one season, with material like that.

Servo2 : I dunno, Mike. He sounds familiar to me--somehow...

( Wormhole opens )

All SOLer's : ( Gasping ) HAAAHHGGHH!!!

Mike : Its The One True Enemy Of Life! That's as opposed to those imposter demons, like Skeletor and Mumm-Ra.

Joel : The Prophecy Has Been Fulfilled! But you know then, prophecies, they tend to do that a lot.

Servo1 : He's about 667 miles in total diameter!

Servo2 : 667, Gracie?

Servo1 : He had an off day.

Crow1 : Gasping exposition!

Crow2 : Statement of resolve!

Gypsy1 : We have ascertained the identity of our attacker.

Gypsy2 : Judging by the three heads, two tails, and lightning-rays, we feel he is...

Mike : Gyspies, we already know its King Ghidorah.

Gypsy1 : ( Turns to Gyspy2 ) THAT'S why he's the Captain!

Joel : This is it, Mike.

Mike : Joel, nothing can keep us from this--the final battle.

Joel : I want you bots to combine with the SOL and SOW to form the Ultra-Mega SatellBot!

Mike : I'll take the controls.

Crow1 : Noper.

Crow2 : No-Can-Do, Guys!

Servo1 : Our combo-form...has a slight defect.

Servo2 : Due to faulty tesseract technology that Joel here used in creating us, the Sattelbot is actually smaller than all of us combined. Fact is, we ourselves can't get into it.

Mike : Then we fight.

Joel : Just not for very long.

( ALARM SOUNDS )

All : WE HAVE FANFIC SIGN!!

( Ignoring the imminent doom, they go into the theater )

Onscreen : THE WHALE PROBE AND V'GER HAD GHIDORAH CORNERED. FOR THE ANCIENT DESTROYER, THERE WAS NO ESCAPE.

Crow1 : Ghidorah should just turn in his heads. They make everyone nervous.

Servo1 : Limp-wristed pinko pantywaist! You'll get his heads when you pry them off his cold dead necks.

Crow2 : Saaayy, I'd pay to see that.

Servo2 : And You Will Pay. One Day You'll All Pay...Bwwoowohooohoo !
Mike : Does The Whale Probe know about the plight of poor neglected Charlie Tuna?

Joel : Does V'ger have a tiny little version of Chakotay inside of him? And is he equally ineffectual?

Mike : Gee, I don't know if that's even possible.

Onscreen : THE FORCES OF THE EMPIRE, LED BY THE EVIL JAMES T. KIRK, POURED THROUGH THE DIMENSIONAL BARRIER.

Servo2 : Ok--this is already an alternate universe. So is the Mirror World a common AU to both, and just how many times will Lazarus fall off the cliff?
 
Servo1 : Doncha just hate evil empires that invade during Armageddon? No sense of decorum. Shows poor upbringing.

Mike : Now, if this guy killed his TOS crew, then who'd he sleep with? I mean, even an evil Kirk has to be picky.

Joel : Well, I did hear tell he likes to put on Uhura's mini-skirt while playing his Doors tapes. But don't let on it was me that told you.

Crow1 : Geez, by now evil Chekov must be a toaster pastry in that agony booth.

Crow2 : He wanted to move up in rank--but his bunkmate said he was quite rank enough.

Onscreen : PETER PLEADED WITH HIS UNCLE TO NO AVAIL. "UNCLE JIM, MY EVIDENCE LEADS CLEARLY TO PROVING THE EXISTENCE OF GHIDORAH." "PETER, YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR PARENTS ON  DENEVA. THIS OBSESSION IS CAUSING ME TO QUESTION YOUR SANITY. SOME FAIRY-TALE DRAGON IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR CURRENT SITUATION."

Crow1 : Riiiiiiiggghhtttt!!! Those silly planets just destroyed themselves.

Crow2 : Pshaw, and Pnash! Peter, just for that, you have to take your cousin David's place when Jim Ignatauski kills him.

Joel : You know, if I hadn't seen my nephew in like twenty years, I might say Hi or hug him or give him a model train. I think, though, if you question his sanity, he's not gonna take it too well. Kids are like that.

Mike : Well, we know Peter has a lot of evidence to back his theory. After all, that wacko workaholic spent a whole two big paragraphs gathering it. Now, that's what I call gumption.

Servo1 : Is there anything sadder than a nephew and uncle just not getting along?

Servo2 : Our lives spring to mind.

Servo1 : Well, DUH!!!

( Fanfic ends, incomplete. They leave theater )

Mike : Oh, boy--Ghidorah's gonna strike. We are oreo filling!

Joel : Death isn't so bad--mainly you're dead after it happens, then you kinda don't notice.

Servo1 : I'm gonna try to make final peace with the Nanites. Hey, Ned?

Ned The Nanite : Yeah?

Servo1 : Sorry about the war, and Crow killing your queen. It all seems so irrelevant, now.

Ned : And...You Are???????

Mike : We're the guys you've been fighting an unending war with--Remember?

Ned : But that war ended months ago, when Crow bought us a new queen at the Nanite Farm. What, he didn't tell you?

Crow1 : Hey--Am I supposed to keep every message that comes through here? I have a life, too, you know.

Crow2 : What is my counterpart, Mike? Your Mule? Huh? Is that how it is?

Servo2 : Ned? Can You Guys Get Rid Of King Ghidorah---without destroying all planets?

Ned : Ghidorah? No sweat. We'll just.....

( They vanish off-screen )

Mike : Hey, what happened to them?

Gypsy1 : I and my counterpart have great news.

Gypsy2 : We have permanently rid the ship of the Nanite infestation!

( We see the two Gypsies being shoved out the airlock  )

Joel : Higher ships' functions or no, they had that one coming.

Mike : Wait--I'm receiving a message from Ghidorah! He says he'll let us live if we listen to his three heads sing Acapella on 'In The Still Of The Night'.

Joel : Hey, I'm good with that.

Servo1 : Mike, reply in the affirmative.

Servo2 : Saved, and safe at home!
( We see the Crows talking to Ghidorah )

Crow1 : We don't want to listen to your Crapapella singing, Dickweed!

Crow2 : That's right, Bunion-Breath! Take your girly-mon heads and go chase your tails!

( They see the others begin to sob )

Crow1 : Oh--yeah. He was gonna let us live.

Crow2 : Boy--isn't that just so us?

( Outside, Ghidorah pushes the Satellite with his tails, beginning its descent )

Mike : Is there no one who can save us?

Servo1 : Nope. We're doornail city.

Servo2 : Gone-Going-Gon--ers!!

Crow1 : Pools of metal and protoplasm.

Crow2 : Certain doom, served on a shingle.

Joel : You're all wrong---there is one who can save us.

Mike : But Joel--we've all said some god-awful things about him. Will he still help us?

Joel : ( Shakes his finger ) He's a hero, Mister. That means he'll always help us.

Servo2 : I've sent out the signal. Now all we can do is hope--and punish the Crows horribly for their--well, for extreme acts of Crow-ness.

Crows : But It was my counterpart that did it! TRAITOR!!

( In Castle Forrester )

CF : Frank, do you have the descent parameters?

( Frank is with Bobo by the Computer )

Frank : Wow, she's really naked!

PF : I have them, dear. Oh, its so much fun to watch them die--ooh, and later, Phil and Maury are on Oprah!

Observer : My advanced world is avenged, at long last! Pity I never liked anybody who lived there. But I can take unjust vengeance on their behalf!

JW : I was here for the beginning....and I'm here for the hors'd'auevers, now. Ooh--pigs in a blanket!

Bobo : No, no Frank--they just stuck Dolly Parton's head there.

CF : Wait--something is approaching their position-I can't make it out!

PF : Its--a burning disk--with arms and a head. Oh, he's stopped them.

Brain-Guy, destroy them all for me.

Observer : So you can turn this into Aliens Vs. Predator. Hmmm—the first person perspective is a bit disconcerting.

PF : ( Hammer In Hand ) Clayton, I'll be right back.

CF : Don't smash my computer, Mother!

PF : Oh, I'm not going to touch the computer.

( We hear yells--lots of them )

( Aboard the SOL )

Mike : ( Bouncy Theme ) Cambot!!

Joel : Cam-Bot!!

Servo1 : Now, our movies and fics....

Servo2 : You will see us watch no more..

Crow1 : Though we treated him like Number Two..

Crow2 : The Turtle is one swell guy, and he sure came through... Mike : Now, we go to the ground...

Joel : To give the Mads a taste of their stuff!

Crow1 : Now we have all been saved!

Crow2 : Now we throw a major rave...

Servo1 : He helped us survive that close shave...

Servo2 : Now we give a Baseball-Wave

Mike : For we have our hero true

Joel : Flying through The Sky Of Blue!

All Together : WE'VE BEEN SAVED BY GAMERA!!!!!!!!

( The Mads and Henchmen see the great turtle safely return them all to
Earth )

CF : Hmmm....I think they'll want to hurt us!

PF : Oh, they're not petty...wait, yes they are. I think they take after me.

Frank : Guys---I think we are so dead. And I don't mean put on a new head dead, neither!

JW : I was only on for one season! I get left out of this--right?

( A burning arrow flies in with a message 'Oh , You're Like SOOO In' )

Bobo : I'll stay here and fight them off--for you, my Lawgiver.

PF : Gee, thanks, Bobo. But if you died for me, there's the eensiest chance I'd owe you one, and I just don't even want to go there. Observer : I have enough power for one last transport--I'll aim us for the wormhole.

CF+PF : No--Brainguy---

( The Mads all appear aboard the SOL-KTMA, still in orbit )

CF : Well, Mother--It seems you forgot to tell your henchman about how Ghidorah sealed the wormhole, once he left.

PF : Oh, great, Clayton. Blame me just because I'm responsible for his existence. How badly did I raise you, anyway?

( On the SOL screen appears the former SOL'ers )

Joel : Hi, Forresters Gump!

Mike : In The Not Too Distant Future, Revenge Is Mighty Sweet....

Servo1 : We dug through some piles of stuff here--peeeeww!!!

Servo2 : We found one so evil, even you had vowed to never use it—too obvious, I believe your notes said.

CF : Noooo....not.....

Crow1 : The Golden Turkey Award Winner Of All Time!

PF : Oh, Please.....We'll be good. Just let us go, and we'll find a way to trap you all back up here...damned Truth Serum Martini!

Crow2 : From The Mind Of Director Ed Wood...and I don't mean Johnny Depp!
Mike : So, Joel, without further ado.. Joel : I beam you now a movie that was filmed while one of its stars was dead!

All former SOL'ers :  PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE!!!!!!

( ALARM SOUNDS, SIGNALLING THE DEATH-KNELL OF MST3K )

All Former Mads : ( Very sadly ) WE HAVE MOVIE SIGN!!!!!

( Fade To Black; End Theme )

( Stinger ) ( Former SOLers ) :

ABYSINNIA!!!!
-----------------------------------------
AND REMEMBER--ITS ALL BASED ON SWORN TESTIMONY!!!
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This is dedicated to ten years of goofy fun on Mystery Science Theater 3000. We should all learn to really just relax. So don't ask to see any Mads return with blond hair and pointed ears.
-- Rob