(In the fictional NYC Boro of New Glenfinnan, we see Connor Macleod with his wife Julie. Connor is about to begin his first day of teaching at Darius Buchanan High School, his alma mater )
Connor : Julie?
Julie : Yes, Connor?
Connor : Did I ever tell you the one about my kinsman, Duncan?
Julie : You know--you never did.
Connor : Seems Duncan was all of six when he spotted a pregnant woman at the market. So he asks her a question.
Julie : What DOES he ask her?
Connor : He asks ; 'Excuse me. lady, what is that bulge in yer stomach?'
Julie : And she says?
Connor : She says ; 'That, lad, is my wee baby.'
Julie : To which Duncan said?
Connor : Duncan says ; 'Do you love the wee baby?'
Julie : No.
Connor : Yeah. All Immortals are fascinated by pregnancy, whether we realize it or not. So she tells him, rather snidely ; 'Well, I love him a great deal more than yer parents love yew, ye damned changeling!'
Julie : Oh. Did Duncan cry?
Connor : Not his style. But he did respond in kind to her words. Yeah. He asked ; 'Well, ye great cow, if ye love him so much, then why'd ye eat him?'
(Julie groans)
WELCOME BACK CONNOR WAS FILMED BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE OF IMMORTALS, WHICH QUICKLY DWINDLED TO ONLY...WELL, YOU KNOW
(Theme song begins)
Welcome Back--To That Place From Which You Were Cast Out;
Welcome Back--To That Place You Were Reluctant To Talk About
Oh, I Know That Your Clan Disowned You By Word; And The Kurgan's Laughter You Always Heard
You Didn't Die When They Shot You; It Was Ramirez Who Taught You
With Our Teacher We Have Fun; There Can Be Only One; Welcome Back
Welcome Back; Welcome Back; Welcome----AAAARGGGHHH!!!!
(In the studio, Connor stabs John Sebastian)
Connor : Do YOU believe in Magic, Mister Lovin' Spoonful? Feh! They shoulda got Queen!
----------------------------------------------
(At Darius Buchanan High, Connor walks with the Vice-Principal, Joe Dawson)VPD : Connor, I'm assigning you to the Remedial Immortals, on orders of Principal Lazarus.
Connor : Principal LAZARUS?
VPD : Don't Start, Connor. Just go teach those braindead Remedial Immortals.
Connor : Remedial Immortals? You're giving me The SweatHorsemen?
VPD : Well, why not? It was you who founded that little clique, wasn't it?
Connor : No, I Don't Think So. A Little Before My Time.
VPD : Oh. Sorry, Connor. That's the last time I get my info from Wojo on Barney Miller! Good luck teaching--you'll need it.
Connor : Wait--just how am I supposed to deal with these people?
VPD : Easy, Connor. They're not people--They're SweatHorsemen!! HA-HA!
(Connor enters the classroom)
Connor : Hey, everyone! I'm Connor Macleod of The Clan Macleod, but you can call me Mister Connor.
(Seated are about five Immortals we know, and about fifteen who could fall under a Zamboni, for all we care)
Connor (Looks at first student) : What' s your name?
Richie : Who?
Connor : You.
Richie : What?
Connor : Your--Name.
Richie : When?
Connor : Now--would be nice.
Richie : Why?
Connor : Frankly, I don't know why anymore!
Richie : (Stands up) Hey, mebbe you don't understand...I am Richie Babaryan, and I.....
(Connor decapitates him)
Connor : Archangel came a bit early. Next?
Student 2 : Hi There. Mister Connor, I am Xavier 'Boom-Boom' St. Cloud.
Connor : They call you 'Boom-Boom' because you make a 'Boom-Boom' sound all the time?
XSC : Nah. Ya see, Mister Con-ner, I had to give up the nerve gas, so now I use explosives.
(Connor takes him)
Connor : Bye There! Next?
Student 3 : Hey, Mister Connor--I'm Juan Epstein Ramirez--kinsman to your mentor! I was voted 'Most Likely To Teach Quentin In That Lame Animated Series'.
(Connor kills him)
Connor : That sealed his fate. Next?
Student 4 : Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Mister Connor! Moy name is Arnold Fitzcairn! Fitzcairn is a very old and respected name. It means 'Smash your guitar on the ground'. Heh-heh-ehahahehe!!!
(Yup. Him too!)
Connor : He should've stuck with McVicar!
(By the end of the day, all the students, including Nefertiri 'Hotsie' Totsie, have all been done away with. Vice-Principal Dawson walks in, shakes his head)
VPD : Connor--you know what this means?!
(Smiles, and shakes Connor's hand)
VPD : It means we FINALLY have a teacher who can handle Remedial Ed! This'll fit in great with Giuliani's plans.
(Connor goes home to tell Julie)
Connor : Julie, great news! I......
(Julie has hung herself; Connor sees a note)
Connor : 'Dear Connor--I love you, but can bear no more kinsman jokes--Julie'
(He sits down, upset and depressed)
(An hour later, he picks up the phone)
Connor : Vice-Principal Dawson? Its me, Connor. Did I ever tell you the one about my kinswoman Rachel? Well, she was tending bar when these two Immortal Penguins walk in, and.........
(Closing Theme)
YEAH, NOW WE ARE ALL DEAD, BECAUSE YOU CUT OFF ALL OUR HEADS, WELCOME BACK--WELCOME BACK--WELCOME BACK---WELLLCOMME BACKKKK!!
(Closing Credits--Connor takes the two kids riding bikes, just to be sure)
COPYWRONG MCMLXXIXYLOPHONE
AN OVER GABE KAPLAN'S DEAD BODY PRODUCTION
Next on Welcome Back, Connor :
Connor : Caspian--where are all your classmates?
Caspian : Oh, I butchered them, and cooked them up. Want some, Mister Connor?
(At first, Connor is disgusted; Then he shrugs)
Connor : Why Not? They've gotta taste better than Brenda's Tuna Casserole!
(Canned Laughter)