(Slowly but surely, the band takes the stage. We see Radar seat himself by the drums, which have 'The Infinite Paths' emblazoned on them; Each band-member's family is out there, in the audience)Hawkeye Pierce: Duncan, why are we here?
Duncan Macleod: We are his mentors, Hawkeye. We must needs endure this for Walter.
Hawkeye: Yeah, but Henry Blake isn't here.
Duncan: Henry's dead.
Hawkeye: So he gets off on a technicality?
(As Will and Penny emerge, their parents talk with reporters)
John Robinson: Yes, each night we pray for the success of the tour.
Maureen Robinson: And that they both don't go to hell for their relationship.
(Beverly and Deanna are at the concession stand)
Deanna: This is hardly fair. Neither your husband Jack nor Captain Picard have to sit through this.
Beverly: Deanna--they're both dead.
Deanna: So they get off on a technicality?
(Kirk and Uhura watch from the balcony seats)
Uhura: Jim--dear. Now, remember--if you go near that microphone, just call me Lorena Bobbitt!
Kirk: S'okay, honeybunch---remember, I heard your album, too.
Uhura: That's cruel.
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(The band warms up)
Radar: How long are the drum solos gonna be?
(Peter looks, and shakes his head)
PK: 0 minutes, 0 seconds
Radar: Geez, guy's got an ego size of Ghidorah!
(Penny sees metallic arms)
Penny R: YES, Robot, I see you. Man!
Will: You can't blame him. Show Biz News was the only Earth Broadcast we could ever pick up. Should we kiss onstage?
Penny: Better not. They firebombed us last time we did.
(Wes fires up his amp)
Voice from Audience: If you hook it directly to the fuse-box, you'll get some real power from that thing, Crusher!
Wes: Yeah, thanks! But I think I'll let that suggestion go, Locarno!
(Saavik turns to Peter)
Saavik: Husband, while we are on tour, who will fight King Ghidorah?
Peter: Not to worry, Saavikkam. I found--six substitutes.
(ANOTHER DIMENSION)
TOMMY: Ok, Rangers! Lets go!
JASON: OH, MAN! Ghidorah's destroyed the Megazord, The Ultrazord, The Dragonzord, The Superzord....
TRINI: Billy, what does Zordon say we should do?
BILLY: Zordon has advised us to bend over and kiss something--but its physically inadvisable to try.
KIMBERLY: Sez You. Like, last week, I...
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(Back at the concert)
(Peter takes lead on first song; Penny backs up)
WE DIDN'T START THE AU'S
(To The tune of Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start The Fire')
Peter: (Sings) Starting Over, First Contact, Q-Squared, Parallels, Yesterday's Enterprise, Ancient Destroyer
Kirk is annoyed with me now, Wrath Of Khan had Spock go, Wes is at a Con Show, See a perfect place
Q-Pid and Nicked, Kitty Pryde has been tricked, Never-Ending-Battle, Nazi M*A*R*P*, J*L*A, Novels and 4*0*7*7*
We didn't start The AU's; They were always there since old George Bailey got scared; We didn't start the AU's; We didn't start em' ; But we're trying to chart em''
Will and Penny having fun; Highlander Movie 1, Dark Henry Blake is not who won, Saavik as Valeris; The Mirror U will scare us
Penny in the Movie Reel; Sunshine was without appeal; Its A Good Life In The Twilight Zone;
Japanimeopolis'; Sailor Scouts were undressed; Khan Raised a big fuss; Horsemen Are Heroes; Babylon 5, The Anti-Monitor did not survive; Lots of Veridian Threes; T*R*E*K goes AD-way--what else do I have to say?
We didn't start the AU's; They've been the norm since Old Scrooge Reformed; We didn't start the AU's; We see all these nations and their permutations
Land Of The Lost 70's ; Kevin's Enterprise Awakens; Flowers In The Attic; Godzilla fights himself; MUSH is a lousy toon; Star Wars ends too soon, K/S gets new meaning; Radar's a Colonel;
Robinsons upset again; Blake Pierce tantrums; War nearly breaks out tween the Pierces and The Kirks; We all calm down; Decide to linger in town; The whole thing starts again--its all quite beyond my ken!
We didn't start the AU's; They've been clear and clearer since we saw Mirror, Mirror; We didn't start the AU's; But in another clime they're called Hypertime
We didn't start the AU's; They've been gaining plaintiffs since the very first What If?; We didn't start the AU's--but we did have fun at the Beatles' Reunion-----
--------------------------------------------
Peter: Hey, I wonder how the groupie situation is. Walter, wouldja go and check it?
Radar: You betcha, Pete. (Walks outside)
Penny: Saavik, Will's birthday is coming up. Should I buy us two tickets for Disneyland, or Hedonism 2?
Saavik: Perhaps, Penny, you should ask someone else, as contemplating your relationship causes me to become physically ill.
Penny: SOMEBODY'S got issues.
Will: They're such good friends. Hey, Pete--what's say we hit the bars and discuss women?
Peter: Uh, no, thanks. I'm with the wife on that physically ill thing.
Will: Y'know, just because we didn't know we were adopted when we started in, doesn't make what we did so wrong. Wait a minute---yes it does.
Wesley: I am sooo glad that I don't have a cute adopted sister.
Penny: Wes? Its Marrissa on Line 3!
Wesley: Tell her I died at Wolf 359 in my reality.
(Radar comes back in, clothes disheveled and torn)
Radar: I think I been slaked.
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(The band is on stage)
(Penny and Peter share leads)
(Wes and Will now have acoustic wooden instruments)
The Infinite Alley
(To the tune of 'Creek Alley' By The Mamas And The Papas)
Wes was upset; Veridian he reset; Tryin to get Picard back to life; Saavik and Pete; Decided to help him complete and get back to their own dragon-strife;
But through realities they went; and they always found that things were rather bent;
Q couldn't help em' ; Ghidorah's path squelched em'; Towards Wes they felt an awesome wrath; And that's how they started down The Infinite PathsRadar joined up; saw alters of his MASH pals; Including Hawkeye as a Nazi; They saw superheroes; BJ as a lech now; And Radar ran a stew company;
Their options seemed to be quite few; Then they landed near The Jupiter 2
Will and Penny; Had no mates not any; So asked their friends to do the math; And they continued down The Infinite Paths
(Interlude Music)
Anthony Fremont; Seems our deaths he did want; He was quite the brat that day; While Pete tried to hold him; Saavik tried to scold him; The rest of us we ran far away;
But our hiding places he was at; Then working together we all went to bat;
Made Anthony erase himself; A Voyager solution; but good for our health
The Robinsons were calmed down; With The Pierces we went to town; Shermie and Blakie took their baths; And that's how we finished up The Infinite Paths
Universal Vibrations--still spark imaginations---goes on quite indefinitely; And one to three sequels are a definite reality!
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(The band members are interviewed about what they plan to do, post-tour)
Peter Kirk: Well, Ghidorah-fighting is probably on the horizon. That, and my Dad has been talking about opening this internet start-up firm where people can buy food up to half-price. He says its going to be big!
Saavik: Ghidorah, to be sure. Then, I would like to find out which actress I look like--just for kicks.
Radar: Oh, yeah. This is a busy time for me. We're doin' MASH crossovers with Quantum Leap, Taxi, WKRP, Buffy, The Gargoyles--and of course--Tony Clifton, as played by Andy Kaufman. That, and I plan to cut off some heads. Me and Duncan, that is.
Wesley: I plan to beg my way onto the Enterprise-E. No, really. I'm not joking.
Will: I plan to marry (Censored by American Family Council) and just live happily ever after.
Penny: I plan to be a strong partner and good wife to (Oooh, ICK! No! YUCK!) and to help our family adjust to this new circumstance.
(They kiss, and a nearby lightning rod is struck repeatedly)
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(They get onstage: Penny sings lead, Peter backup)
THE BALLAD OF WILL AND PENNY
(To the tune of 'The Ballad Of John and Yoko' by The Beatles)
We Left Earth In 1997 ; Alpha Centauri Was Our State Of Grace ; Then Smith He Did Say ; Hey I'll Stow Away ; He Caused Us All To Be Lost In Space
(CHORUS)
Robot, You Know It Don't Compute;
You Know It Can Be Quite Rough;
The Way Things Have Gone; Since That First Earth BlastoffTravelled to and fro between planets;
Met People Who Could Hurt Or Could Save; Some Wanted Us As Food; Some Wanted To Trade; Some Even
Seemed To Want Us As Slaves(CHORUS)
Robot, You Know It Don't Compute;
You Know It Can Be Quite Rough;
The Way Things Have Gone; Since That First Earth BlastoffFinally Gained A Course For Centauri; Smith Had Gone And Done In Himself;
While Dad He Had Mom; And Judy Had Don; We Realized We Had Nobody Else(CHORUS)
Robot, You Know It Don't Compute;
You Know It Can Be Quite Rough;
The Way Things Have Gone; Since That First Earth BlastoffSaving Yourself For The Right One; Learning All The Ways To Be Alone; One Night I Just Said; Hell With All
That Bit; I'd Rather Just Go And Do It With My Bro'!We Met These Reality Travellers; Found Out That We Weren't Blood Kin; Our Folks Loved Us So; They Didn't
Say No; Even Though They're Sure The Baby's A SinRobot, You Know It Don't Compute;
You Know It Can Be Quite Rough;
The Way Things Have Gone; Since That First Earth BlastoffThe Way Things Have Gone; Since That First Earth Blastoff!!!
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In the 7 states and 13 countries where it was not banned, 'The Ballad Of Will And Penny' reached Number One! It reached Number One because Wes gave Riker a copy for his birthday.
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