( In the living room of the Immster home, 1234 Highland Way, we find Tessa Immster, the family's odd niece ( She's one of  THEM!) snuggling with her boyfriend. She really wants this evening to go right)

Tessa : Oh, George! I'm so glad you came to my home!
 
George : Me too, Tessa! But this place! Its way-out! Dig those swords! And what's with all those lifelike busts of human heads?
 
Tessa : (Somewhat confused) George, we don't own any busts of human heads! The only bust anyone sees is mine when  you get fresh during the Eurominutes!

George : ( Horny as hell, so he forgets about the heads ) Gee, Tessa, you're such a swell girl, I won't go past 2nd base,  even in Europe!

Tessa : Oh, Thank You, George! You are the only boy I would ever let see me come out of the shower...Oh, here's my Uncle  Duncan!

( Enter Duncan Immster, lovable goofball patriarch of the odd Immster clan)

Duncan : Say, you two! Remember this is a USA re-run! Don't do anything your Aunt Amanda wouldn't do. ( Leans over to  George, whom he elbows) Course, that may not be good advice! ( Laughs, a big deep throaty laugh, amused to death by his  own joke. George is a bit confused, but tries to laugh along) Be good, kids! I'm just getting some warm milk! HUUUHHHUHH! ( Plods off)

George : Is that your uncle? He's so---young?!

Tessa: Yes. He's been that way for awhile, now.

George : Uh...yeah. Now look, Tessa, I know you're against a shower on the 1st date, but... ( Stops his conversation, as Duncan returns )

Duncan : Well, good night, Tessa! Nice meeting you, George! ( Goes up the stairs, does not notice Quentin's roller skate on the stairwell)

Tessa : Good night, Uncle Duncan!

George : Oh, no! Mr. Immster, look out! ( Too late. Duncan slips, falls, and is impaled by one of the swords. He dies.)

George : Oh, my! Tessa, your uncle is dead!

Tessa : George, shh! If my Aunt Amanda finds out he's dead, she'll kill him!

Amanda ( From Upstairs ) Tessa, dear? Is everything all right?

Tessa : Oh, fine, Aunt Amanda! Uncle Duncan will be up in a moment!

George : Tessa, you shouldn't lie to protect your aunt. She has to know...( He then sees Duncan stand up, and pull out the sword) UUuhhhh!

Duncan : Boy, do I hate when that happens! Ruined my new shirt and everything! DARN! DARRN! DARN! DARN! DARN! ( Jumps as he is doing this, slowly sinking into the basement)

Tessa: ( Notices George has turned white as a sheet, and run away at top-motion speed. The door and the gate bear his imprint.) Oh, no! Uncle Duncan, I've scared another one off! Just because I'm---m-o-r-t-a-l!

Duncan : ( Looking shocked ) Young lady, I thought your aunt and I told you never to use that word in this house! Besides, it was like he was afraid of me!

Tessa : ( Hugs him in a family way, non-intimate) Oh, Uncle Duncan! You, Aunt Amanda, Quentin, and Grandpa are among the most normal people in the world! Why would anyone be afraid of you?

Duncan : Well, Tessa, your aunt and I have tried to protect you, but the truth is, there's a lot of weirdos in this world!

( At that moment, the basement explodes. We see a befuddled Methos come flying out, headed through the roof. Tessa looks over.)

Duncan : ( Looks over, shakes his head ) And your grandfather, with his screwy experiments, is the chief of all the weirdos!

(Cue theme Music. DEN-De-De. Den-De-De. Den-Dee-de-de-de-da-deee-deda. De-DE!

TITLE : THE IMMSTERS!

STARRING ADRIAN GWYNNE AS DUNCAN
 ( Walks through front door, frowns, then walks off laughing)

 
YYVONE GRACEN AS AMANDA

( Checks outside for other immies, waits )

 
AL WINGFIELD AS GRANDPA

( Tries to cut off Amanda's head, is shamed and goes off)

 
ALEXANDRA VANDERPRIEST AS TESSA
( Doesn't really do much of anything, just like the previous actress to play Tessa Immster)

 
FUTURE  FELONN AS QUENTIN

( Finds door is too big to be walked through with sword)

End theme.)

 
Duncan : Well, Amanda, it wasn't my fault! Quentin left his roller skate on the stairs again!

Amanda : Oh, you big goofball! Look at all these shirts! ( We see a row of about 23 shirts, all with holes in the exact same spot)

Quentin : Gee, Pop! I'm sorry! Bad enough I starred in such a stinky show! Oh, I'll never beat Kenny in the saber-throw!

Granpa : Quentin, Quentin! You'll do fine! Why, back in the Old Country, saber-throwing was easy! I always managed to hit something!

Quentin : Hey, Granpa! Maybe you could make a potion for me! I really want Kenny's head this time! He's killed most of my friends.

Amanda : Well, Quentin, it serves them right! Huh! Hanging around with any boy who's been through so many foster homes is just asking for trouble. His adoptive parents just keep going to pieces!

Duncan : That's Right! Besides, last time Granpa whipped you up something, he ruined the ozone layer! Took Cousin Connor 25 years to fix it!

Granpa : Oh, please, Duncan! Don't remind me of that mess! Besides, to hear Connor talk, none of that ever happened!

Quentin : I guess. Say, where's Spot?

Amanda : Now, Quentin. You know spot went  to visit his cousin in Japan. It seems some big ape is giving them trouble!

Duncan : Isn't it always the way? Its like Mr. Dawson, down at the parlor always says: "That's why I like the graveyard shift, Immster! Nobody ever talks back-unless you've had a few! ( Deep, throaty laugh)

Granpa : You know, Joe may be my friend, but he's weird! I always feel like he's watching me! I swear, he's around every corner, just waiting!

Amanda : Oh, Granpa! Stop being paranoid. Oh-stop talking! Here comes Mrs. Dawson! ( Mrs. Dawson is just Joe in a dress. Remarkably, none of the Immsters see through)

Joe : Well, hello, Immsters. Fight anyone lately?

Duncan : Just that troublemaker from across the way. Oh, DARN! He gets me so angry!

Amanda : Duncan , don't have a fit now! Tessa's still upset after that rude young man ran out. Really! He didn't even know how to use a door! Besides, if you pop an artery and die now, you'll be late for work! So rude of that boy.

Joe : Oh, you mean George, who left here at a gallop around 11:53 PM last night - oh - Neighborhood gossip. Well, toodles! ( Under his breath ) The things I have to do....

Duncan : That poor, dear woman!

Amanda : And we thought Tessa had it bad! Good thing for her she landed Joe!

Granpa : There's something odd about Josephine Dawson, but I can't quite put my finger on it! Kind of like when I was British Ambassador to China...

CHINA, 19...

Duncan : GRANPA! I told you, no flashbacks at the breakfast table! Flapjacks, not flashbacks!

Granpa : Ah, Duncan! Yer an old party pooper!

Duncan : I like fun as much as the next guy!

Granpa : Yeah, if the next guy happens to be Ramirez!

Duncan : Granpa, Ramirez has been dead for 450 years! You should have compared me to somebody who's still around!

Granpa : AAaahh, what's the use?

Amanda : Duncan, that troublemaker's back!

Quentin : Let me, Dad! I'll get im'

Duncan : No, son. Its a father's responsibility to defend his hearth, house, and home against thieves, terrorists, thugs, hoodlums, arsonists, bums and other not-so-nice people. ( Grabs his sword, goes outside.)

Granpa : I don't get it. They think they're better than us? Sure they're rich, but its all New money!

Amanda : It's true. The first of them didn't make a cent til William the Conqueror forgot to pack a lunch, and they charged him for delivery!

Quentin : Hey, Dad got im'!

Amanda : Your father always was a cut above!

Granpa : Ooo-hoo! Look at that Quickening! I haven't seen anything like that since the Big Bang Bar and Grill got torn down! Boy, the old places...

Amanda : What's he doing? Oh, he's mailing the remains back across the way! Kind of crude, but those people have it coming!

Granpa : Tell me about it! They're so - Creepy!
 

AT THE HOUSE ACROSS THE WAY

( A rather dapper man opens his door, to find Duncan Immster's package.)

Gomez Addams : Say, what do we have here! ( Opens it ) Oh, no! ( Takes out a severed hand) THIIIIIIIINNNGGGGG!  Immster, you will pay for this! Today!

Morticia : Oh, not today, Gomez! We can't cancel the Alligator races just because poor dear Thing has had his appointment with the Guillotine!

Gomez : Guillotine! Tish, that's French!

( We leave them as Gomez begins a  familiar pattern of kisses, tossing Thing aside rather casually )
 

Next week on THE IMMSTERS :

Boy : Please, Mr. Immster, I like your niece a lot! Let me go out with her!

Duncan : I'm very sorry, Nicholas. But I'm afraid you won't pay for her dinner! I hear that, when it comes to girls, you like to put the bite on them!

That's next week on The Immsters, with Special Guest-Star, Fabian Wyn-Davies!