(After their adventure in South Park, Methos and Duncan are headed to another small town called Springfield)
Duncan : Okay, now just why are we seeking out this town, and what state is it in?
Methos : What state? Why, its in Frifhjknch, where else would it be?
DM : Frifhjknch? What kind of nonsense is that? That's not the name of a state.
Methos : It is in the language of Planet Zeist.
(DM stops the car; Exits driver's door. Goes around to Methos)
DM : ZEIST? You DARE bring up the 2nd movie in my presence? Get out of the car!
Meth : No.
(Smiles, and drives off without DM)
DM : Hmm. I guess I really am naive.
(Methos seems to drive faster and faster. His head leans forward, his face becoming grimmer and grimmer each time we see it)
DM : (Standing beside almost unmoving car) You know, it helps if you release the emergency brake.
Methos : D'Oh!
(DM gets back in)
DM : Now, what's so all-fired important about Springfield?
Meth : 'All-fired'? What are you, Jed Clampett?
DM : Its just a phrase.
Meth : Well, its not you. Try again.
DM : (Grumbles) Now, what's so---
(He pauses)
DM : ---bloody important about Springfield?
Meth : No, no--that's English.
(DM stops the car. Meth goes halfway through the windshield)
Meth : English will do in a pinch.
DM : Springfield?
Meth : Ah, Yes. Through a time portal, I and my three brothers are about to invade the town of Springfield, and kill all its residents.
DM : Is this a Deus Ex Machina 'its just there' time portal, a 'Quantum Leap' 'we built it' time portal, or an extra-stupid circumstance time portal?
Meth : No one can say for certain. Although I'd lay money on the stupid.
---------------------------------------------
(In Springfield, we see a certain familiar fat bald man running a wire from his job at the nuclear plant to his home)
Homer Simpson : Lousy Burns! Won't give us free electricity. Well, if the freebie won't come to Homer, Homer'll just have to be forced into dishonesty. Its not myyyy fault. And if anyone asks me--I'll say it was Marge's idea. I'll have the courage of her conviction.
(Marge looks outside)
Marge : Homer, are you doing something illegal that you then plan to pass onto me?
Homer : Feh! Women. You think you know us sooooo well. By the
way---don't cut this cable or it'll be bad.(At the power plant, one of the reactors begins to act strangely)
Smithers : Sir, it seems we have an illegal wire tap of our power. I'll requisition a team to use insulated bolt cutters on it.
Burns : Blast it, Smithers--show some gumption. This Audie Murphy pocket knife of mine will do the trick.
Smithers : Err--but Mr. Burns, we're talking about billions of volts of electricity.
Burns : Did I mention that performance reviews were coming up? This lack of nerve could cost you access to my personal steam bath.
(Smithers looks horrified)
Smithers : Don't you worry, sir! I'll stick it where it counts!
(Smithers stabs the steel pocket knife into the line)
Smithers : I'll be fine, as long as I'm not standing in.....
(He sees that he and the line are in the company swimming pool)
Smithers : ......water.
(Agonized screeches are heard)
Smithers : To....Sir....With.....Llllllooooo...
(His charred corpse collapses)
Burns : Where Is That Smithers? Eh, I'll have to dock him every bit of pay I've ever given him. Now, granted, he's never done this sort of thing before, but we must have lines!
(At the Springfield Elementary Football field, Bart and Lisa are watching the game)
Bart : Man, having the traditional field replaced with a gigantic evil-summoning pentagram really bites! I mean, I'm all for the concept and practice of evil, but not where it interferes with football.
(On the field)
Nelson : Jimbo, you cut through the ley lines, and Dolph, you take a pass through the seventh circle of perdition. I'll go through the end-of-time endzone.
Dolph : I dunno, Muntz. Those Rosemary's Babies look pretty tough!
(Back in stands)
Lisa : I agree, Bart. And just why did they have to make the new goal posts out of superconductive metal mined at Mount Armageddon? Something just seems wrong. Why are we importing metal when our own steelworkers are starving?
(The spike from the severed power line then joins with a magnetic field caused by the faulty reactors. Its energy reaches the new
goalposts.)Bart : Lisa---do you have one of those long-haired explanations as to what's about to happen here?
(But we see that Lisa is running off, Homer-style)
Bart : Wow--she is smart.
(He joins her)
(On the field, the goalposts fire energy into the pentagram. Four figures begin to take shape.)
Reverend Lovejoy : Stupid half-time show. I came here to watch some DAMNED football!!
(Mounted and masked, The Four Horsemen, sent forward from The Bronze Age, appear to everyone)
Kronos : You cattle!
(In the distance, some cattle raise their heads in query)
Cattle : Moooo?
Kronos : No--no. I meant the human cattle. You see, it’s a metaphor---ahem. We Are The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse! No band has ever been more cruel or more feared!
Barney Gumble : Yah? Well, wadda about ABBA?
Kronos : Well, they do come close, but to my knowledge, they've never deliberately killed anyone.
ComicBook Guy : Noooo--this is wrong. First of allll---people who travel through time cannot speak our language. None of you should be as tall as you are, and your weapons and riding implements are anachronisms in your native time. So there!
Kronos : Burn all of this fool's comic books!
CBG : Done already. In an issue of 'New Warriors'.
K : Burn all his toys!
CBG : That was done in the animated episode of Batman where Adam West voiced The Grey Ghost.
K : Open all of his collectibles, that the value may go down.
CBG : Sigh! Powerpuff Girls.
K : Grrr...make him listen to Shatner singing!
CBG : The nerd-kidnapping ep of Freakazoid.
K : Caspian---eat him in one bite!
CBG : Physically imposs-----
(We see Caspian is now quite rotund)
CBG's Voice : Wellll, I must say, this is a unique fate---unless you happen to have seen a little film called 'Anaconda'. Using the CGI snake, they showed a man's face....
(Casp punches himself in the stomach)
Caspian : Mayonaisse. Always gives me gas.
CBG's ghost : Worst death ever!
Kronos : Brothers, we ride! We'll attack the donut shop first! If I recall correctly, that's where we'll find the fewest police.
(Present-Methos and Duncan arrive at the Police Station---no one is home)
DM : Huh? But if the police aren't here, where would they be?
Meth : Macleod---oh, never mind!
(At the donut shop, Chief Wiggum lies flat on his back, red stains all over his hands and uniform)
Wiggum : Ohhhhh----twofer Jelly Donut Day--ahahgagggggh!!
(The mounted Horsemen break through the shop's front window)
K : We are here to raise hell and high water!
Past-Methos : Die slowly or quickly--its all the same to us!
Silas : We'll make pastry-flour from your very bones!
Caspian : We leave nothing living in our wake!
(The nerdy sales clerk points)
Clerk : Hey! You can't bring those horses in here--its against the health code!
(Sheepish and ashamed, The Horsemen quietly withdraw)
Policeman 1 : Hey, uh--you think we should maybe stop those guys?
Policeman 2 :Yeah. But we'll wait til they get rowdy, or out of line.
(Right outside of them, Silas is pouring gasoline on an overturned school bus)
(Caspian comes back in his underwear)
Past-Methos : What the hell happened to you?
Caspian : I was mugged. They took my armor.
(Nelson, Jimbo and Dolph try on the stolen armor)
Nelson : All Right!
Jimbo : Kewl!
Dolph : Kickin'!
Nelson : I think my vertebrae are broken.
Dolph : My hipbone has been crushed to powder.
Jimbo : Well, looks like I'm never gonna be a father--or walk again. But we will look sooo cool!
(They collapse)
(The Simpson Home)
Bart : Homer, I don't think this is a real good time to head into town.
(Homer smiles vacuous smile)
Homer : Nonsense, boy. This Wednesday drive is a tradition in our family.
Lisa : No it isn't. In fact, you hate driving on Wednesdays.
Marge : Now, Lisa. Your father is not a very spontaneous man, and we should encourage this in him.
Lisa : Mo--om! You said just last week that Dad's unpredictability was making you crazy.
Homer : Oh, aren't weeee just little Miss Contrary.
(Next door at the Flanders, The Horsemen encounter an invisible force field)
Kronos : What does that sign say?
Past-Methos : 'The Choir Invisible Fence. Keeps Demonic Presences Away. Also good for training dogs.'
(Silas keeps walking into it)
Silas : D'Oh! D'Oh! D'Oh! D'Oh!
Kronos : Pity we have nothing as intelligent as a dog about.
(Santa's Little Helper slides underneath the fence; As does Snowball)
Past-Methos : Then we shall attack the house next door. No one can stop us.
Present-Methos : You're wrong, you relic! I know exactly how you think.
(But we see that he and DM are still on the other side of town)
DM : Who were you just talking to?
Pres-Meth : I'm...not really sure.
(Apu looks over his destroyed business)
Apu : Oh, My. This may in fact force me to raise prices to compensate. Brick fragments--25$ apiece! Ones destroyed by Methos are 5$ additional.
(Homer now sees The Horsemen)
Homer : Omigod! Omigod! I can't believe that you four are here!
(Picks up a cellphone)
Homer : Louie? This is Homer Simpson-- somehow, a racetrack got built next to my house. Put 50 down for me on the blue-faced guy with the white horse.
Kronos : How come he didn't bet on me?
Silas : To be honest, Brother--I always bet on Methos--I mean, you know how to ravage and pillage and make a ruin of man's works---but you just stink on ice in a race.
(Kronos hangs his head in shame)
Kronos : D'oh.
(They tie up The Simpsons)
Caspian : (To Marge) Off comes your head, woman!
(Swings, then holds up his bloody prize)
Cas : Look, Brothers!
(They all stare at him)
Methos : Caspian---take a look at the woman.
(An angry Marge still has her head--but her hair has been cleaved in two)
Marge : Grrrrr...You Horsemen will pay for this!
(Caspian sees the wad of blue hair he is holding)
Caspian : Hmmm...I could boil this for soup.
Kronos : Why can't you eat hamburgers like everyone else?
Caspian : mmmmm....Hamburg-ers.
(In his imagination, a giant Caspian strolls through the streets of Hamburg, Germany, eating residents like popcorn)
Homer : Hey, Caspian? What do people taste like?
Caspian : Oh, well, they taste just like....
(Everyone glares at him. He gulps and avoids the cliche')
Caspian : Er....Welsh Rarebit?
Homer : Feh! Gives me nightmares.
(K points with sword)
Kronos : Worse nightmares than us, my fat friend?
(Homer brings out picture of Selma and Patty)
Homer : Those are my wife's sisters. After some bad ham, I once dreamed I saw them----SKINNY-DIPPING IN A CLEAR STREAM!!!!!
(Everyone screams)
Kronos : Wow---that is a bad one. Let him go, men. There's nothing worse that we can do. Be well, my friend.
(Homer leaves)
Homer : Wellllp, I'm headed down to Moe's. See ya around.
Marge : Homey--aren't you going to rescue your family?
H : Marrrggge....Kronos called me his friend. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship, this early on. Be reasonable.
(Walks off)
Marge : Mmmm...Now, he's worried about what our friends think. Just last summer though, pants was a major debate.
Methos : (To Bart) What's your name, Little Man?
Bart : I'm Bart Simpson--who the hell are you?
Methos : I like you, boy.
Silas : Oh, yeah--like that's any guarantee.
(Methos glares; Silas whistles nervously)
Lisa : Can't you four comprehend that the life you lead will eventually destroy you all? That it cannot satisfy you forever, and must eventually leave you empty inside?
Methos : Errrr...we're from another time, and cannot understand your language.
Lisa : Yes, you can!
Methos : No, we can't!
Lisa : Yes!
All 4 HM : NO! WE CAN'T UNDERSTAND.....errrr...BGHDFER UGHSM JKKAMGMGSM!
Lisa : That's just a nonsense language you invented!
Methos : It is no.....Hthtejkr!
Kronos : You three kill the others. I'll deal with Little
Maggie..ahahahhahhaaa!!(Around the corner, he does just that)
Kronos : How ish my leetle precious Maggie-mag? Aren't you cute? Yesh yew are, yer sho cutey-pie!
(Maggie giggles, and pulls on his sword)
K : Oh, you! You give that back, you little cutesy-wutesy-yiddle baby! You give that...
(Of course, the other three are standing behind him; He gulps)
Kronos : I was going to kill her later on. Really. I was just toying with her.
Methos : Uh-huh.
Kronos : NO! Her life will end by my hand. Won't it end by my hand, Maggie? Yesshh It will...Yeshhh it will (Tickles her chin; The others wander off)
Kronos : I may be losing my edge.
(Silas and Caspian pull back to run Bart and Lisa through)
Lisa : Goodbye, Bart!
Bart : Just chill, Sis. We're lead characters. Lead characters never die.
Lisa : What about Henry Blake from MASH, Coach from Cheers, and Tasha Yar from Star Trek?
Richie's Ghost : A--heeeeem!
Bart : Still in all, for the most part, lead characters never.....
(They are run through)
Bart : You...just...hadddd to be right, didn't you.....
(As the Horsemen ride off Marge holds Maggie, crying. Present-Methos and Duncan ride up)
Duncan : I told you we shouldn't have stopped for Shiskebab-in-a-basket!
Present-Methos : No....there is a way to save those children, Macleod. Too much merchandising is based on their faces to contemplate otherwise.
Duncan : My dear friend the humanitarian.
-----------------------------------------
MOE'S TAVERN
Moe : So, uh, Homer? Your family is being slaughtered by barbarian Immortals from another time?
Homer : Yeah. And waddya bet Marrrge never lets me hear the end of it?
Moe : Oh--alright. That's worth one free beer. For 10 cents.
--------------------------------------
(Present-Methos gestures at Marge)PrM : You, woman, can restore your children to life.
Marge : Oh, I could never do that. What with all this craziness, I haven't had a chance to do any shopping.
Duncan : (Sees the supermarket burning) I wouldn't worry about that, right now.
Pr-Methos : Now--tell me about how you adopted your children.
Marge : But we didn't adopt them. Me being pregnant with Bart was part of the reason Homey and I got married.
Pr-M : Yes, yes. But that was merely a ---story--- you told them. Wasn't it?
(Pr-M winks)
Marge : Are you making a pass at me?
Pr-M : To quote Lambert : I Don't Think So. Now, do you understand how to bring your children back?
Marge : Uhhhh...by wishing for it, like at the end of Peter Pan?
(In flies Peter Pan)
Peter Pan : Yes!
(Duncan takes his head)
DM : Did I DO that?
(Behind him are the snarling Lost Boys)
Lost Boy : You killed our leader, Macleod! Now taste our vampiric wrath!
DM : Its daylight.
(They turn to ash)
LB's : D'OH!
Marge : Look, I really don't think they were adopted. I had morning sickness, labor pains. And two rather major flashback episodes. Besides, wouldn't my husband also remember if they were adopted?
(Pr-M and DM glare)
Marge : ahhh...point conceded. Alright...they're adopted. We found them-- at Springfield Community Hospital, in the maternity ward.
DM : It'll do.
(Bart and Lisa now awaken, Immortal)
Bart : Cool, man!
Lisa : This is not possible. I mean, I'm not adopted.
(She collapses, gasping for breath)
Lisa : I'm....adopted.....I'm....phew!!
Bart : Don't ess-may with the ortality-immay, Lisa.
DM : I don't understand what he just said.
Pr-M : I do. I invented Pig Latin. Hmmm... I think I invented real Latin, too.
(Bart and Lisa encounter Milhouse)
Milhouse : Guys...uhhhh...The Horsemen killed my parents.
Irma Van Houten : Milhouse, get in this house right now! Your father and I haven't finished having our post-divorce argument right in front of you yet!
(Silas rides up)
Silas : Sorry I'm late, Milhouse. Do you have the 50$?
(He slips it to him)
Milhouse : Annnnndd remember. Make it look like it was an accident!
Silas : Can Do!
(The windows are quickly stained red from the inside; Caspian rides up)
Caspian : Oh, I hope I'm not too late. That oaf always dices them too finely. I have my standards.....no, I don't.
Irma : (Dying) Milhouse--you are not...our son!
Mil : Ohhhh....I just knew they'd disown me for this. They've always been so petty!
(His father shoots Milhouse as he himself dies)
Mil : Gosh....and they never even told me who my real parents were!
(He dies)
Lisa : Real Parents?! C'mon!
Bart : Like we didn't see that coming.
Milhouse : I'm...I'm like you guys now.
Bart : AS IF!
Lisa : Don't tag along Milhouse. Its pathetic.
Mil : But its who I am...its what I do.
(Homer wanders out from Moe's Tavern, which has been firebombed; He sees carnage and dead bodies everywhere)
Homer : Oh, this town is going soooo downhill!
(Sees the severed heads of Mayor Quimby and Chief Wiggum)
Homer : Quimby---I am NOT voting for you in the next election!
Quimby : Ich bin ein Horsseemm......
Homer : Hey, Caspian! Did you eat my pal Barney Gumble?
(Caspian burps, looking very much like Barney)
Caspian : Why....Nooooo.
Barney's voice : Help me, Homer! Help me! (Becomes Fly-Like) heeellp me, Homer! heeeeellllppp meeeeeee!!!
Homer : Well, that's 20 bucks Iiiii no longer have to repay! Wooohoo!!
(Kronos and Past-Methos ride away from Burns' estate; Burns has of course died without Smithers)
Past-M : Why don't we destroy it?
Kronos : Are you mad? The place is a monument to evil and greed. The portico is made from the pressed powder of human bones. The stairs are made from the nails of the innocent. The pools overflow with human blood. And his 73" inch Projection TV gets satellite.
Past-M : Woohoo!
Kronos : Don't do that again.
(Just then, Bart, Lisa, Duncan and Present-Methos drive up and confront the two)
Present-Methos : Here's where you get yours, Relic!
Past-Methos : You can't kill me--you'd be killing yourself, far in the past, weakling!
Present-Methos : True. But you can't kill me, or you'll know the date of your own death.
(They stop)
Past-M : So....they have any good Gyro places around here?
Kronos : And no one can kill me, or else all the things I've done will never have happened, either!
(He is quickly surrounded by townspeople with machine guns)
Kronos : Ohhh...I really shouldn't have said that.
(Starts dancing around the gunfire)
Lisa : Bart, there's only one way to stop this madness!
Bart : Yeah, but going back in time is just soooo Voyager.
Lisa : Noooo. We have to destroy the pentagram that summoned the Horsemen here. If it goes, they go.
Bart : No problemo, Sis.
(Bart whips out a cellphone)
Bart : Hidedley-ho, yourself. Lookie, we need 1000 gallons of Holy Water, spread over the Springfield Elementary Football Pentagram. This is ASAP, Man. No, I won't play with your kids.
Lisa : Who do you know that has 1000 gallons of Holy Water outside the Vatican?
(A Ghostbusters-type, very religiously decorated ambulance bursts out from The Flanders' home)
Ned Flanders : Hi there, Homer.
Homer : Great. All we need at Armageddon is holy people.
Kronos : After that ambulance, men! They could provide our doom in this era!
(They run, but the ambulance is too fast)
Past-M : Maybe...hufff...we..hufff...should ride The Horses there.
Kronos : THAT'S why he's the planner.
(At the field, a great-horned beast awaits The Flanders)
Demon : I am The Demon Of Babylon!
Ned : The Fetid Demon of Babylon, The Loathsome Demon Of Babylon, Or The Fierce Demon Of Babylon?
Maude : I'll bet he's not even from Babylon!
Demon : I am The First Of The Fallen!
Rod : Oh, Yeah? Then why doesn't your face bear the nine lash-marks of the Archangel Michael?
Tod : And your goatee reaches your toes. The REAL devil's goatee stops at a place I'm not supposed to mention.
Demon : Look...If I just go away, will you stop chattering?
Ned : Okeley-dokelee!
(Kronos rides up in the distance)
K : He wasn't the real Lucifer? Oh, I feel so used and betrayed.
Past-Meth : I rather admire his technique.
Silas : I'll stop those Flanderesesses!!
Caspian : Together, Brother!
(They throw stones tied in Bolos that miss The Flanders, but strike the water-tank. The Holy Water floods the field, breaking The Pentagram)
Kronos : I should've taken Kantos.
S+C : D'Oh.
(But while The Flanders vanish, The Horsemen remain.)
Duncan : Ok, Kronos. You and your thugs are history!
Homer : No, Macleod. They broke their laws here in Springfield. That means they're subject to our Springfielderian brand of justice!
(Present-Meth and DM drive off)
Pr-M : You don't believe they can handle The Horsemen, do you?
DM : No. I just wanted to get out of that town. Say, remember that episode with the meteor, and how they accidentally destroyed the only bridge out of town?
Pr-M : Yes. Why?
(We see their car falling into the bay)
DM : No reason.
DM+Pr-M : D'OH!
(As they float to NYC, and our next humor piece, we go back to
Springfield)Judge : Now you face Justice!!!!
K : Give us your worst!
Judge : Time served plus a 250$ fine.
(Kronos laughs in triumph)
Kronos : You fool! We don't have 250$!
(The Judge Glares; Walks up and takes their swords)
Past-Meth : Great going, BROTHER!
Caspian : What will four fundamentally corrupt beings such as ourselves do in this brave new world?
(Six months later)
Kronos : I am School Superintendent Kronos. Principal Simpson and I run a very tight ship. Most of you will die while on board it.
Bart : Jimbo, Dolph, and Nelson report to my office---for eternal detention!
Lisa : HA-HA!!
(Lisa pours boiling oil on some of the girls who used to bother her)
Kronos : They're such GOOD children.
(Mayor Methos is giving a speech)
Past-M : Quimby talked about getting tough on crime--but I actually kill criminals myself--how can you top that?
Crowd : 5000 more years! 5000 more years!
-----------------------------------------
Caspian : Now, its time for Cooking With Caspian!
(Marge watches on TV)
Marge : He's GOT to be kidding! Where am I going to find a human heart this time of year?
Homer : Maaaarrrgggee....where are my cookies that I ate last night?
(Marge grins; Holds a knife behind her back)
Marge : Ohhh---Hoooomeeey!!!
(At the nuclear plant)
Silas : I get to push the little buttons all day long!
Supervisor : Wow! Homer's replacement is twice as efficient as he was.
------------------------------------------
THE BRONZE AGE
(Cassandra awakens)
Cass : My people! What have you done with my people!?
Ned Flanders : Why, they're right over there!
(Her people look glassy-eyed, and all have forced grins)
People : Hidedly-Ho, Cassandra!
Cass :AAAAGGGHHHH!!!!
Ned : Your heathen hide is a bit harder to convert--but we're working on it.
Rod : Father's going to marry us.
Ned : But remember son. 30 more years before consummation!
Maude : Ned....we agreed to 40.
(Cass panics)
Rod : Confidentially...I'm probably only going to be able to wait 20 years. You give me too many impure thoughts.
Cass : Oh...I have to buy silverware for the wedding. Can I borrow the ambulance?
Ned : Why, sure. We just filled her full of Undemonized!
(Cass gets in the ambulance; Drives off, never to return)
Rod : Cassandra! You'll never escape me!
(While out in The Desert, she is captured by a UFO)
Alien : You will be taken to our space station and used brutally!
(Cass jumps in the air)
Cass : WOOOHOOO!!!
(The credits roll; The woman shushes)
Duncan : You're history, Shush-Lady!