(Coffin opens on cheap-looking set; A Vampire not quite the equal of the Master or Dracula emerges)

CF: Hey, kiddies! Its me, your old pal, Count Floyd! Now, this week, on Monster Chiller Horror Theatre, we present another chilling horror tale of monsters in 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer'! Owwwooooo! (Howls insipidly) Lemme tell ya, she's she's one hot chippie! Now, in this installment, that guy James Marsters left the series, due to contract disputes--hey, he's a cheap guy, waddya want? But We found someone else to play Spike, so here we go! Owoooooo!!!

(Large Title Sequence)

JOSS WHEDON AND WOODY TOBIAS, JR. PRESENT:

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

    VS.

DR. TONGUE'S 3-D HOUSE OF VAMPIRE BABES!

(We see in an old castle John Candy as Dr. Tongue and Eugene Levy  as Bruno)

DT: (Mock-Vincent Price voice) At last, Bruno. We now possess a potion that will make every female vampire our willing slave!

Bruno: (A dumber, smellier version of Igor) Uhhh, master? Do you want me to fetch the first vampire?

DT: Right away, Bruno! Let us begin. Hahaahahah!!!

(Bruno leads Dru in by the hand; She is mad)

Dru: Wait Up! You said there'd be fine young men and demons about. I'm not even sure I want to drain you two. There are no butterflies in your ears.

Bruno: Well, you can blame Doctor Tongue for that. He makes me clean my ears once a year, whether they need it or not.

DT: Wait, my dear. Before you go--you simply have to try this special blood I made just for you. Here--try some.

(DT+Bruno lean fwd and then back, into the camera; a total of three times)

Dru: Oh, allright.

(The camera leans toward the glass, and then back, twice)

Dru: (Blank) I obey only Doctor Tongue!

(DT + Bruno laugh)

(The Summers home)

Xander: Darn, that vamp nearly got away. Say, Giles, is my stake sharp enough?

Giles: Well, we'll have to take a look at that.

(The stake is seen moving away from and towards the camera, four times)

Giles: It could stand a bit of sharpening and polish. Xander, tell me, have you seen Buffy about?

(X pulls out a slip of paper)

X: She gave me this number to call her at.

(Gives Giles the sheet about three times)

Giles: Well, are you going to give it to me, or not?

(Anja, who has been sitting quietly, sees Willow and Tara walk in)

Anja: Oh, look. Its the Von Happy Twins.

Willow: Anja, you have had this coming, lemme tell ya!

(Gestures by hand; 3-D effect again)

(We hear Anja's scream; Cutaway to a cheap rabbit outfit with head-mask appearing on her)

Anja: Ohhhhh-NOOOOO!!!

(She runs off)

Buffy: (Walks in) All right, all you mostly useless sidekicking people. Today's topic is like, adding another sidekick. eh?

(Spike comes in, played by Ed Grimley)

Spike: Oh, Slayer! The very, very worst has occurred. I mean, can it get much worse than this? I suppose it can, but then why would you possibly want it to? Doctor Tongue has completely taken Dru, and I'm feeling quite sad about this, I must say. Me and Dru are just so close, only now I fear we're not close at all!

(Buffy breaks off the point on Ed's hair; Dusts him with it)

Buffy: All right, you hosers--bring the crosses, the holy water—and the back bacon and beer, eh?

(Back to Count Floyd)

CF: Man, that Buffy can dust me any old time! She's like a super-babe or something! So be sure to wear your 3-D glasses, kiddies, because.....

(Buffy walks up; dusts Count Floyd)

Buffy: And so does the evil end.

Xander : No more Monster Chiller Horror Theatre? But what'll happen to all these low-rent movie classics?
 
Willow: That, Xander, is why we have a Satellite Of Love

Giles: This parody totally wigged, eh?