Announcer : The continuing quest of an Immortal who's wanted for a beheading he didn't commit!

Soon-to-die Policeman#1 : So I tell that guy to stay down on the ground, but he won't listen. Luckily, the guy who was beating him up revived and killed him, laughing while doing so. Turns out the revived guy was guilty and the first guy was innocent. But hey---when a peace officer tells you to stay down, you stay down!

STDP#2 : Oh, Yah. Tell me about it. This woman comes screaming into the station about how her ex-husband has just killed every member of her family, and now he wants her dead, too. Well, I happen to know this fella, and he's an OK guy, unless you rile him. So I told her where to stuff her complaint. My pal came in and took her away, and she's been pre-tty quiet since then, lemme tell ya.

(Dispatcher's voice)

Disp : Guys, are you dead yet?

STDP#1 : No, Sarge. Nothin's doin round here.

Disp : Any Terminators, rural cultists, big city drug dealers, Militia types?

STDP#2 : Ah, that's a noper, Sarge. There's just a big stretch limo out here in the middle of nowhere. They're exchanging some kind of briefcase.

Disp : Ok. I want you two to walk over, and demand to see the contents of the briefcase. If they offer you bribes, smile and refuse them, and call the people lowlifes. If there's a big one, be sure to punch him in the face. Got it?

(Back in the office, the Dispatcher hears two shots; Smiles; Turns to chart that says Idiot Cop Quota)

Disp : To think, we used to keep guys like that around til the PBA relented.

(In rides Macleod Raines and his trusty Native American sidekick, Adam Tenthousandkiller)

Disp : Say, are you that Macleod Raines that everyone's seen on the news? The one that's wanted for  beheading another Immortal?

MR : What if I am?

Disp : Well, just why is it you're wanted? I mean, isn't that generally what Immortals do?

MR : Well, I'm not him. Oh, sure. I may look and talk like him--but I'm not him. Am I, Adam Tenthousandkiller?

(An obviously uncomfortable Methos with a bad tan looks about nervously)

AT : (Whispers) Macleod, no one is going to believe I'm an Indian.

MR : (Whispers) Don't worry. We've got the post-Jerry Springer audience.

(Methos lights up)

AT : Among my people, to believe one man is another....is considered wrong.

MR : Now, where's the bounty we're supposed to pick up?

(Valentine Pelka is led out in handcuffs)

VP : Hi, folks. I'm John NotKronos.

AT : Why, it sure is John NotKronos!

MR : I knew we'd catch up with you, John NotKronos.

VP : Yes, but I---John NotKronos---have a plan to escape.

(Jim Byrnes walks in, snickering)

JB : Too late, Macleod Raines. I, Dutch Dawson, have set you up by placing John NotKronos here.

(Stan Kirsch walks out, with a fake oily moustache attached)

SK : And I'm Hound Ryan, the little weaselly guy who you keep trusting despite all common sense.

MR : Quick, Adam Tenthousandkiller! Let's ride through that window!

(Typical motorcycle window burst scene)

AT : Boy, Mac Raines. You are sure one---( Turns script page )--crazy guy.

(Dutch Dawson stews)

JB : He'll never find evidence to clear himself of that Immortal beheading!

VP : Is that a crime now? Because really, its kind of what we do.

SK : Yeah, he's got a point, there. I mean, unless he had tons of witnesses, the whole case really falls apart.

JB : (Thinks fast) Maybe he had unpaid parking tickets?

(On the road, MR and AT talk)

MR : (Woodenly) Oh, fudge. They nearly got me---(turns script page)---again.

AT : We can't stop here. This place is---sacred to my people? I'm 5000 years old! I don't even know who the hell my people were.

(Waiting in the middle of the road is Raphael Cain, played by Lorenzo Lamas)

LL : You've met your match, Macleod Raines.

(MR whips out a cell-phone)

MR : Now!

(All the actors and production crew for HL:TS move in and kill the cast and crew of 'The Immortal')

Adrian Paul : The sting worked, guys.

PW : (Holds up Lamas's head) You--Loooook----Mahvelous.

VP : Hi, I'm John NotKronos on the set. If you suspect that your show is being ripped off, by all means, take violent action against the other show. Its really the only solution.

(Stephen Canell falls dead at his desk; Jim Byrnes replaces him)

JB : When it comes to bearded masterminds who operate behind the scenes---There Can Be Only One.