Chapter 1 - The Mad Quest

March, 2001

Duncan MacLeod had a headache. A bad headache. A headache so bad, that if Kronos were to burst out of hell and show up in his Dojo's Loft, Duncan would quickly bend down his neck and thank the Horseman for his services. But Kronos, monster that he was, decided to stay dead and leave Macleod in agony. This phone call went no better than the others.

"C'mon, Amanda! Its just a double date. It'll be fun! I'll let you use my credit cards."

"Duncan--don't take this wrong. But I am not going on a double date with two psychopaths like Methos and Cassandra. I haven't forgotten three months ago. They nearly took me!"

"Hey, they weren't trying to take you. They were just trying to kill each other, and you simply got.....Amanda? Amanda?"

Ever since Methos and Cassandra had decided to try and hash things out on a series of dates, Duncan MacLeod life had been this way. The Highlander had been reduced to calling old dates and couples he had known, looking for people to keep the two away from each other's heads. But he was running out of names. Yet still he tried, and still he failed.

"I Don't Think So-I Know So."

"Oh, I'd love to, Duncan. But the Hospital Blew Up, and I'm pregnant again. Bye."

"Uh, no. We have a 300-year marriage, and being around those two makes us want an annulment."

"Well, I'm writing a sequel to 'Sword Of The Macleods', and I'm going to----Mongolia, for research."

"No---way, Mac. I'm in Chicago, to see if I can get a new ID---Baseball is done, but the Bulls need me, now that Michael's gone."

"Hello? Yes, this is Duncan Macleod. You swore vengeance eternal on me in 1792, and I just wanted to see if you were interested in settling things by way of the Game....what do you mean, you've forsworn vengeance.....Great. I gotta call the one person who isn't building an amusement park filled with deadly rides. Whatever happened to the good old days, when people I bumped on the street 50 years ago were plotting against me?"

"Duncan?"

"Fitz! Oh, my old friend."

"Father Darius sent me from Heaven to tell you something about your quest to find Methos and Cassandra a pair of chaperones."

Duncan lit up.

"What is the message, Fitz?"

The angel Hugh Fitzcairn smiled.

"You haven't a prayer."

Macleod didn't bother to scream. His mind became a forge, bristling with ideas. None of them were good ideas, but they were ideas, nevertheless. He sank to his hands and knees. "Father, hear me! My two dear friends are morons! They hate each other, but they think they MIGHT be in love, so they go on these Irwin Allen Disaster Film Dates. I've had to bail them out 16 times in the last 6 months. Worse, I've run out of people who will double with them. I need a sign, Father! Send me a sign!"

A bat then flew in through the window. Duncan rose up, his eyes just a little bit mad.

"It is an Omen! I shall call---A Bat!"

"Hey, Bruce? This is Duncan. I need--oh, I see. Well, you really do sound like him, Clark. Listen, are you married? Cause I know this couple, see? They need help sorting out some things, and if you and your other would double---you would? Thanks, its no wonder they call you---Their names---Methos and Cass---hello--hello?"

Duncan hung up.

"SUPER-JERK!!!! And yes, I know you can hear me."

Duncan tried another bat.

"Hello, Lacroix? Is Nick there? You're lying! Oh, he is not out! Its Noon where you are! All right, I'm sorry. You're certain he's not there?"

On the other end, Nicholas Knight waved his hands by his throat in an 'Uh-Uh' motion. His mentor silently mouthed 'You owe me big'. Natalie, now a vampire herself, shuddered at the thought of hearing Cassandra talk about the Bronze Age again.

"Oh. Ok. Well, if he gets in...oh, that? Connor says that lemon juice and vinegar cleans that stuff right off. Ok. Bye."

Duncan was a man out of options. His hope broken, he sat down, only to hear a giggling sound. A little girl was suddenly next to him on the couch. It was 2-year old Blake Pierce, goddaughter to his protégé, Radar, and daughter of his dear friends Hawkeye and Margaret Pierce. She laughed as the confused 'Uncle Dunc' picked her up.

"Blake? Honey, what are you doing here? I---"

Duncan picked up the phone, and called Maine.

"Hawkeye? Yeah, its Duncan. Is Margaret in town, because Blake just showed up in my living room....heeello? Ay, kiddo! They don't seem to want your cute little face back...."

But a few minutes later, two exhausted, exasperated parent showed up, quick as the wind--literally.

"Took you two long enough. I thought that garbage they fed you made you superhuman."

Hawkeye Pierce looked up, and caught his breath.

"Hey, pal. You know every time I jump to a sub-orbital height out West, NORAD goes crazy."

He grabbed his little girl up.

"As to you---ah, geez. I gotta sit down."

"You really rushed, didn't you?"

Margaret spoke up. While Hawkeye was stronger and sturdier, she was quicker and faster mentally.

"Its not the effort to get here, Duncan. This little she-demon is developing our abilities. She went cross-country while we---were occupied."

"Yeah, I know what occupies you two. Well, nice seeing you, and you, ye wee rugrat!"

Hawkeye got prepared to leave.

"Listen, Duncan, thanks for calling so fast. We really owe you."

An evil notion formed in Duncan's mind, while Margaret concurred with Hawkeye's statement.

"Yes, Duncan, you're a true friend. If you ever need a favor, just ask."

"Yeah, anything at all."

Duncan fought off a smile. He had his pigeons.

"Well, now that you mention it, I do know this couple that's having a hard time. They kind of need another couple to ride herd while they try to be civil. But I couldn't ask you to do that."

Margaret shrugged.

"Why couldn't you?"

Hawkeye nodded.

"Sounds like a million laughs. So its agreed--we play chaperone. Maybe I'll get to first base with my co-worker."

"If we weren't married, lines like that would have you pitching a no-hitter. Duncan, its a deal."

Now, he did smile.

"I'll call them, and let them know."

Little Blake, still learning to speak, said a phrase she had learned.

"Uh-Oh!"

Chapter 2 - M*A*S*H* goes to The Bronze Age

"Now, Duncan, you have the number at the restaurant, right?"

Margaret Houlihan-Pierce was obviously nervous about leaving her 2-year-old daughter, Blake, alone for the first time, even with a baby-sitter like Duncan Macleod.

"Hey! C'mon! I'm her Uncle Dunc, aren't I? Now is there any special time she should be in bed?"

"Hmm, No. She slept last month. We usually try to have a family nap at least once a month."

"Heh-heh, Family Nap. You and Hawkeye always had the best sense of humor, you know that?"

"Um, if you say so. Darling, you done with her, yet?"

"Yeah, honey. Just giving the little monster a few words of friendly advice."

Duncan stared at the little girl and her Daddy. It was already odd to see Hawkeye Pierce, a man who rivaled Duncan in the ladies category, playing happy domestic. Odder still when he again remembered the bio-warfare experiments conducted on the couple during the war. They were superhumans now, and aged only a day or less for every year. But still, Duncan liked having Immortal friends who were not a part of the Game. He hoped that, after tonight, they would continue to be his friends.

"Alright, Blake, say good-bye to Mommy."

"Mommy? Can I marry Daddy?"

"Um, no, honey, I got there first."

Angrily, Blake punched at her mother, but Margaret's hand caught it. Duncan heard a loud crack.

"What was that?"

Hawkeye shrugged.

"Sub-sonic boom. Happens whenever we move that fast indoors. Blake, apologize!"

"I'm sorry. Can I watch TV?"

Margaret shook her head.

"Let Uncle Duncan read you some stories first. Duncan, nothing above 12th grade level, Ok? Her cognitive systems overload, and then she starts begging for chocolate. Trust me, you do not want to go there."

"Uhm, Ok. Listen, guys, Methos and Cassandra are waiting, down at the restaurant. Blake will be in good hands, here."

"We know, we know. You know, Margaret, every couple should have an Immortal baby sitter. You just pay for sword sharpening, and you're in like Flint."

"Plus there's no---OVERHEAD!!!"

The Pierces stared at Duncan.

"Just go."

And so the couple left.

"Was that supposed to be funny?"

"I dunno. Maybe Scotch humor's like British."

Duncan stared at his precious charge.

"Well, Blake, do you wanna hear a story?"

"YAY!!!"

"Ok! Now, once upon a time there was a King called Arthur..."

Blake raised her little hand.

"You have a question already? Or do we have to go potty?"

"I don't have to go potty! My body processes food with near 100% efficiency! But I do have a question, Uncle Dunc."

"Er, sure honey."

"Is this Arthur story based on Chretien De Troyes, Geoffrey of Monmouth, Mallory, Tennyson, or The Ladies Of Avalon series?"

Duncan stared dumbfounded.

"Well, Blake, its the story of a Knight named Sir Bedivere. Ever hear of him?"

"Sure! Sir Bedivere was a Highland foundling, like you and silly Connor, only he was found around 492, and raised at Camelot. He was killed by Morderd, and became Immortal. Eventually, he became known as Henry Blake, and that's who I'm named after. Do you want to know more? Cause Barney's on right now, and then Powerpuff Girls!"

Duncan, stunned by all this, dropped a coin, which rolled under the couch. The little girl got up.

"I'll get it!"

"No, Blake, we have to move the couch....first?"

Blake did move the couch--by lifting it with one hand, while Duncan was still on it. He looked down at her, and shuddered.

"I'm taking care of super-baby!"

The couch dropped with a thunk. Blake stared at Duncan grimly.

"I AM NOT A BABY!!!"

She then reached over and kissed him on the cheek.

"I love you, Uncle Dunc. Lets go watch TV!"

"A-Anything you like, Blake--honey! Just--don't wish me to the cornfield."

At the restaurant, the two couples met. Hawkeye and Margaret had met Methos before, but never Cassandra. All seemed pleasant enough.

"So, Margaret, how did you and your husband meet?"

"Oh, it was almost 51 years ago, when we were both assigned to a MASH unit at the outbreak of the Korean War. In fact, we two were one of a handful to serve the entire three years."

Cassandra was confused.

"51? My dear, just because Methos and I are Immortals, don't feel that you have to say such things. We all of us live our allotted time, and some of just have more than others. Don't feel you have to compete."

Since she felt no buzz from the Pierces, Cassandra had made an error, which Hawkeye now pointed out.

"Um, Cassandra? First off, that was the most charming condescension I've ever been subjected to. Well, not really, but Winchester's over in Boston, so he doesn't count. Secondly, some rabid government yahoos decided to play around with people's lives in Korea, so ours got hyper extended. We're not like you, but we do alright."

"I'm sorry, Hawkeye. I meant no offense, of course. Methos, do you think I meant any offense?"

"Oh, no. When Cassandra means to offend you, you'll know it."

"Is that supposed to mean something?"

"Merely that you are quite straightforward. You don't have to interpret my every statement."

"Oh, yes, I do. Even bloody Kronos couldn't trust you! No one can! I......should change the subject. Do you two work out?"

"No."

"Not really."

"Oh, you simply should. It helps you alleviate stress, and put aside painful, awful memories. Why, I can press 200 from even the most difficult positions. How about you two?"

Hawkeye thought.

"What did Bashir tell me...oh yeah. Uh, I can do about 100, and Margaret about 40. Is it 40, Margaret?"

"That's about right."

"Well, then you really need to work out. 100 pounds for a full grown man, and 40 pounds for a full grown woman is unacceptable."

"Cassandra?"

"Yes, Methos?"

"They didn't mean pounds."

"What did they mean, then, oh Oldest of us all?"

"They meant tons. The same experiments that stopped their aging increased their abilities."

"Oh. You could have said something."

"I just did."

"I meant before I put my foot in my mouth!"

"You, Cassandra, can put your foot...."

Margaret intervened.

"SO! How-how did you two crazy kids meet up?"

Hawkeye seconded.

"Yeah, now I'll bet that's a story."

Cassandra smiled, but not gently.

"Well, Methos was one of The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse, when we first met."

"What's that, a heavy metal group?"

"No, Hawkeye. They were a group of WANTON BARBARIANS who looted and pillaged their way across Asia and Europe from the Bronze Age straight through to The Slaughter Of The Innocents!"

"Now, see here, Cassandra! I had left before Kronos met up with Herod. And it wasn't about loot, it was about cruelty!"

"Oh, I sit corrected. You're so right, Methos, it was about cruelty. What else would you call a man wearing a death mask, who slaughters my village and keeps me as a rape-toy for nearly a millennium?"

"I would call me a man who has apologized, and is living his present life in an attempt to expiate some of his evil."

Margaret was shocked.

"Rape? Methos, you never mentioned anything about that."

Hawkeye joined her.

"Look, if something like that happened, then I don't see why we're even doing this. I mean, rape is....rape."

Cassandra shook her head.

"Unfortunately, I saw something in Methos, even then. If I am to truly be free of him, then these meetings are the only way to go about it. Even a duel wouldn't accomplish that."

Methos agreed.

"You see, Pierce, its like the war in Korea. Truman felt it had to be fought to maintain a principle, even if complete victory could never be obtained....oooh, here's the garlic bread."

Cassandra looked over.

"You HAD to grab the biggest piece, didn't you? Always the conqueror."

"Cassandra! If I had grabbed the biggest piece here, I'dve had to walk over and ask you to stand up, so I could pinch your fat...."

Hawkeye jumped in.

"Hey, I have pictures of little Blake!"

Cassandra looked them over.

"Oh, how sweet. What made you decide to adopt her?"

"Uh, well, we figured, since I got Margaret pregnant, and she carried her to term, you know, why not take her home? Right? Blake's been like a daughter to us, ever since."

"Well, there's no need for sarcasm. I didn't know you could have children, as well. Tell me, do you two know witchcraft? Seen any dragons?"

Margaret thought for a minute.

"Well, Hawkeye's stepmother Endora, and his stepsisters Peg and Samantha, and our nieces and nephews Tabitha, Erin, and Adam are all witches. As to a dragon, not since Tokyo, 1954. Now, Dana Scully was in Tokyo in June of 91, and saw Godzilla and Ghidorah, but she didn't take any pictures."

"Oh, you know the skeptical Miss Scully? Dear girl, but thick as a brick. Unwilling to accept the evidence of her own eyes. A trifle dull, as well. How do you know her?"

"She's our niece!"

"Oh. My, we have all kinds of interesting relatives, don't we? Well, let's move along. Methos, however is Duncan's young protégé doing?"

"I don't know. Of late, every time I try to call anyone Duncan knows, they're not home. I assume he's doing alright. Good kid."

"Oh, yes he is. He's a friend to you two, as well, right? Of course he is. He was mentored by Sidney Freedman, who was my student. Pity he turned to such a dull art as psychology. What good could he accomplish there?"

Hawkeye was close to snapping.

"As a psychologist, Sidney saved my sanity and possibly our marriage. He helped a lot of kids during the war, too."

Methos spoke up.

"You know, I was at the 8063rd. You people at the 4077th did such excellent work. Except for that Frank Burns character. How is he doing?"

Margaret sniffed.

"Poor Frank died this past New Year's Eve. Took that Cigarette-smoking psycho with him."

"Oh. Uh, well, he sure was an incompetent surgeon. Hawkeye, why don't you tell us about an operation he messed up?"

"Nah. Been done. Shows disrespect for the dead."

Methos froze up.

"So, you have a little one? I like kids. I always have."

Cassandra moved in.

"Oh, he does, he really does. He likes them boiled, fried, barbecued. Those he couldn't finish, he'd give to Silas!"

"Silas was the brute. Caspian was the flesh eater."

"Oh, that's right! You liked Silas! Helped him lose weight, if I recall."

"You know, Cassandra likes kids too. Likes to help young boys with their anatomy lessons!"

"Let it go, Methos! That was one time! I had nothing to hide from Duncan, even at 13."

Hawkeye and Margaret both stared at Cassandra. Methos continued.

"One time, my 5K arse! The woods of Eurasia were replete with young boys who didn't need to spy on girls anymore, because the mystery was gone, thanks to the "Waving Witch"!"

"Oh, boy! I've gotta go to the bathroom!"

Margaret seconded her husband.

"Me, too. We'll be back."

Methos and Cassandra watched them go.

"You know, Methos?"

"No, what, Cassandra?"

"Until we started dating again recently, I never realized how many couples went to the bathroom at the same time."

"Now that you mention it, I always heard it was women that did that. You having a good time?"

"Oh, yes. As long as the linguini's al dente."

"Well, that goes without saying."

"So you're saying I'm redundant?"

"No, not redundant. Obsessive, but NEVER redundant!"

Back by the restrooms, the Pierces contemplated their next move.

"Hawkeye, we have to stay! We promised Duncan."

"Margaret, do you love me?"

"Of course."

"Then don't make me go back in there."

"We have to, my darling. Those two need us, the way we needed BJ and Peg. Remember?"

"I suppose. But all this really makes me miss Sidney Freedman."

"Because he was an Immortal like them?"

"No. Because he was a psychiatrist. Those two are N*U*T*S*!"

"They are battling without a sword, aren't they? Well? Do we go back?"

"Yeah. But watch out for flying glass."

"Well, Duh!"

Back at MacLeod's Dojo, Duncan had a visitor. An unhappy visitor.

"Now, Blake! Please give Mr. Dawson his legs back! You shouldn't use them as stilts."

An irritated Joe sat on the couch.

"No wonder most of them can't have children. What Watcher would put up with this?"

Chapter 3 - Some Enchanted Evening...Just Not This One

Joe Dawson, who now had his legs back, squeezed the cheek of little Blake Pierce, who smiled as she looked at his book of Watcher lore. He then walked over to Duncan Macleod.

"Awww, Mac. She really is a darlin'. Just sitting there, with her innocent two-year old eyes, pretending like she can read that book. Reminds me of Lynn, way back when. Did I mention that she asked me how you were?"

Macleod smiled. That the daughter of James Horton possessed such a forgiving soul was amazing to him. With all that the past year had revealed about Horton, it was a wonder the girl was even part way sane. Then, he remembered something Margaret Pierce had said, about the care and feeding of her little girl.

"Joe, does that book contain only pictures?"

"No. Of course not. Why?"

"What---grade level would you characterize that reading as?"

"Grade Level? Mac, that book would require several masters' degrees to begin to slice through. If anyone outside the Watchers' top echelon were to even attempt it--hell, their cognitive systems would overload!"

Macleod gulped.

"Uh, Joe?"

"Yeah?"

"Go--and see how Blake is doing."

"Sure thing, Duncan. I like kids--and I have a secret weapon for winning them over."

Macleod tried to catch his breath.

"Its ok, Duncan. Just because Joe has fried the brain of a demigod who's watching Popeye in your living room, there's no reason to panic."

In the distance, a little voice squealed with delight.

"Oh, Boy, Uncle Joe! I love chocolate bars!"

Duncan's eyes grew wide with horror. Little Blake started to bounce around the room- literally. Joe looked on, uncomprehending.

"Ah, Duncan? Did I do something wrong?"

"Well, lessee, Joe. You just fed chocolate to a 2-year old. A 2-year old who can press 5 tons. A 2-year old whose father can press over 100 tons, and whose mother can travel at sub-light speeds. In other words, Joe, you fed the Mogwai after midnight, after giving her a bath in the sunlight. Savvy?"

"Hey, Mac! There's a bright side to this. It could be worse."

As the supreme toddler wrecked ever more of Duncan's loft, he asked Joe the obvious question.

"How, exactly, could this be worse?"

"We could be out with Methos and Cassandra."

"Well, you've got a point there, Joe. But so does little Blake."

Blake Pierce made her point--by throwing much of Duncan's sword collection at Duncan and Joe. Like whirlwind razors, the swords came at the ducking duo willy-nilly. The little lady gleefully shouted out her sugar induced triumph.

"I AM THE END OF TIME!!!!"

Duncan glared at Joe. Joe shrugged.

"Hey, bastard, or no, he merited his own chapter."

At the restaurant, Methos and Cassandra were having their fettucine alfredo, and a bit of conversation.

"I'm merely saying, Methos DEAR, that the pasta is hardly al dente, and should be sent back."

Hawkeye and Margaret's attempts at intervention were failing more often than not.

"Hey, Margaret? Remember that time we ditched our bum of a chef, and that guy Conway cooked for us? Boy, what a dream that was. Heh?"

"Well, CASSANDRA, I like the pasta just fine. Its nice and limp--like your whiny voice!"

"Hawkeye? Remember my friend Lorraine? She went and got her MD. Charles and her are dating, now."

Parallel conversations never do meet up.

"Better a limp voice than a limp--"

Methos drew his sword.

"Defend Yourself!"

Cassandra drew her sword.

"At Last!"

Margaret sought to calm them down.

"Can't we all just--get along?"

Hawkeye went into denial.

"Waiter. More Garlic Bread, Please."

The sword fight began. Neither the pleadings of the Pierces nor the fact that they were in a public place could hold them back this time.

Cassandra tried her tactic.

"Hawkeye! Margaret! Attack Methos!"

It met with no success.

"Um, Cassandra? Magic doesn't work on us. It gets reflected back at the user. My stepmother, Endora, tried to turn me into a chair once."

But Cassandra wasn't listening.

"Must---attackk--Methos!"

As Methos fended her off, he shook his head.

"Bloody Hell! She's hypnotized herself."

As the restaurant cleared of screaming onlookers, Hawkeye grabbed a couple of baskets of garlic bread, which he and his superhuman bride dipped into the fettucine alfredo sauce.

"Darling?"

"Yes, Honey?"

"How we will we make Duncan pay for this?"

"Oh, the usual."

Cassandra recovered.

"Methos! Lay Down Your Sword!"

Unwittingly, he did just that. Cassandra forgot to turn off her voice, though.

"You can fight all you want, murderer, but..."

So Methos did as she commanded, and the fight resumed.

"Must..fight..all..I..want"

Cassandra reconsidered the use of this voice, in future battles.

Back at MacLeod's dojo, a panicked Joe and Duncan received a phone call.

"Oh, hi, Nick. She's there? Oh, good. Well, put her on. Blake? What are you doing in Toronto? That's over 3000 miles from here, honey. Yes, Mister Lacroix is a silly-head, I know. Do you know how to use the Pan-American Highway, kiddo? Ok. Take Exit 76C back to Seacouver. No, Blake, there's nothing good on Canadian TV. I checked. And Blake? Next time you leave, honey, please put your clothes back on, first. See you in 5 minutes."

"Joe?"

"Yeah, Mac?"

"Do I have any gray hairs?"

"Yeah. Tons. Check In The Mirror."

Joe stared as Duncan looked his hair over.

"Hey, Dun....Nahhh, he'll figure it out, eventually."

At the restaurant, an exhausted Methos and Cassandra dropped their swords. Each spotted a desert tray behind them. The Night's specialty--Chocolate Cream Pies.

"Margaret, they wouldn't."

"Hawkeye. Of course they wouldn't."

But then, as will happen--the first pies were thrown. The Pierces wiped the cream from their faces. Hawkeye quoted a classic.

"Of course you realize, This Means War!"
Chapter 4 - That Was Then; This Is Now

In Seacouver, Duncan MacLeod's loft was in ruins. There wasn't a single spot in it that wasn't completely destroyed. The superbly, Blake Pierce, was responsible. Duncan was not a crybaby. Even his worst foe would never describe him as a sobbing man. But the sight of everything he had built above the old dojo in tatters had pushed him too far.

"Joe, look. She even broke the statue of 'The Seven Samurai' Richie bought me."

"Duncan, I thought you hated that thing."

"I do. Its a piece of crap. But he meant well. He always did. Why did Richie have to die?"

Joe Dawson thought for a moment, then spoke from his heart.

"You cut off his head."

In Toronto, the tavern owned jointly by the Master Vampire Lacroix and his 'daughter', Jeanette was in ruins. Again, darling little Blake Pierce was responsible. She had now departed for Seacouver. Lacroix would never forget her. He would try, though.

"Once upon a time there was a tavern...."

While Natalie, Nicholas, Jeanette and her mortal stepson attempted limited clean-up work, they all stared at the broken man, singing his song. Jeanette's boy nudged her.

"Mom, I'm worried about gramps. He hasn't touched his O-B negative."

"Just steer clear of him, kiddo. Gramps...might just bring you over, and the region's a bit thick with us, right now. Y'know, for all the damage she caused, that girl was cute. No-that wasn't a meal comment."

"You DO l-like kids?"

"Well, sure. I mean, I've always liked you, since I met your poor father. Why?"

The teenager disappeared for a moment, then returned with his girlfriend. The girl smiled, while the boy shifted nervously. She spoke.

"Ms. Jeanette, I love your son, and we've got something to tell you....."

After five minutes of screaming, 'STAKE ME NOW', Jeanette sat down with Lacroix.

"Those were the days, my friend, we thought they'd never end, we'd sing and dance, forever and a day..."

As the teenagers scampered out, Nick glared at his mortal 'nephew'.

"Someday, I'm gonna have a loooong talk with that boy."

Natalie shrugged.

"Kind of late for that, don't you think? Besides, look at it this way. There's no way this night can get any worse."

The other three vampires stared at Natalie in horror. She then realized what she had said--but it was too late.

A time portal opened, and out stepped Catholic Priest and Prophet Of Bajor Francis Mulcahy.

"Oh, my! Nicholas, there's been a disaster in time! The Time-Lords Of Gallifrey have declared war on the Celestial Temple! The repercussions could be beyond comprehension."

Nick noted and was thankful for the fact that the Padre wore the symbol of his faith inside his shirt. He then asked him a question.

"How bad it could it be, Father?"

A portly man of Nick's acquaintance walked in.

"Hey, uh, Nick, Nat. Donut Hole's got a twofer goin'. You want I should get you some?"

Nick stared hard at this repercussion.

"Hey, none for us, okay pal? See you down at the station---Schanke."

As their dead friend departed, Nick and Nat sat and sang along.

"We'd live the life we choose, we'd fight and never lose, those were the days, oh yes those
were...."

A giant device, looking much like a British phone booth, crashed through the ceiling and landed on the four singing vampires. Lacroix was impaled by a descending ramp. A man in a scarf walked up to Mulcahy.

"Francis, great news. Q is behind all this! Now I've contacted Sam and Darien and Doc Brown. Time to bag a god! No offense."

"None taken, Doctor. But you impaled the tavern's owner."

The Doctor looked down.

"I Killed Lacroix! I KILLED LACROIX! I---never liked him, much."

Back in Seacouver, a fine Italian Ristorante was in ruins. But Blake Pierce wasn't responsible, this time. No, the two people involved were considerably less mature. Cassandra snarled at Methos.

"I hate YOU! You destroyed my life and kept me as a slave for a millennium!"

Methos was having none of it.

"I hate YOU! The lengths you have gone to try and exact your revenge have almost cost the lives of innocents like those in your precious village."

Hawkeye Pierce looked at his wife.

"Get Duncan. We're ending this."

Margaret Houlihan smiled.

"You have a plan, my darling?"

"Immortal Beloved, its time our friends faced the music--literally."

Margaret raced off. Technically, Hawkeye was the stronger of the two, and Margaret was the smarter. But she knew how to throw a punch better, and he was a bastard so devious that every general in Korea once feared his name. He even knew how to out-think Methos by about 200 paces. Checking quickly, he found that the ristorante's jukebox had survived, and contained a certain DVD audio. Quickly, he moved to access it, and waited for events to occur.

"Damn you, Methos, for tricking me into thinking that someone better lay under the monster's skull-mask!"

"No, damn you, Cassandra. Damn you for making me want to be better! I was wallowing in the mud, but it was what I knew. I bathed in human blood, because that's what I thought people did. But you had to point my face up. But you didn't do it to show me the sun. No, you did it so you could kick me in the face. You pretend to be like Macleod, but you're just like me, doing things because you know no other way. Well, news flash, woman...It was a sorry excuse when I used it, and its even sorrier on you. So let's finish this!"

But Cassandra's features briefly softened.

"I made you want...to be better?"

Margaret raced in with Duncan, Joe, and little Blake, who jumped into her father's arms. Hawkeye then hit the jukebox, using a maneuver a mechanic in Milwaukee once taught him. As the tender second between the feuding couple began to fade, the song played. Joe and Duncan were amazed. The 1986 song seemed---almost too perfect.

"You always say you like my style; You say I'm tough; And Kind Of Wild; Am I too much for you to tame; I swear this time; Its Not A Game; I've known a lot of girls; No, this, I won't deny; I'll give our love; I'll give it more than a try; That Was Then; This Is Now; Oh, Let Me prove my love, dear; I'll make you proud; I never made; This kind of vow; But that was then; And This Is Now;

I've Lead A Thousand Lives It Seems; And There's Been A Lot Of Broken Dreams; My Mind Had Just Swept Love Aside; But You Woke Me Up; You Put Me Wise; I Doubted All Compassion; But You Showed Me The Score; I Can't Doubt It; I Won't Doubt It No More; That Was Then; This Is Now; Let Me Prove My Love, Girl; I'll make you Proud; I never made; Never made; This kind of vow; But That Was Then; And This Is Now....."

Methos fell to his knees. This time, there were no justifications, or explanations, or historical perspectives. Merely two words that a thunderstruck Cassandra never expected to hear.

"Forgive Me!"

Half-expecting to be taken, Methos was instead joined on his knees. There was a still a long road ahead for these two. But he felt a burden of conscience lift, just as she lost a burden of hate. She topped him, though, by saying three words.

"I forgive you."

He cupped her face in his hand, almost trembling.

"How could I have ever hurt you?"

"Its easy, Methos. Its called hate. Sometimes, its the opposite of love. Other times, its merely love so tangled and twisted, it can't be recognized. I know all about--hate."

The assembled friends all clapped. To Methos and Cassandra's amazement, the Ristorante was restored. Methos looked at a broadly grinning Hawkeye.

"Pierce? What happened? I thought we trashed the place?"

There was an unfamiliar woman standing next to Hawkeye, a blond like Margaret.

"People, please meet my beloved Stepsister, Ms. Samantha Stephens. Who says there's never a witch when you really need one? Right, now, her daughter, Tabitha, is cleaning up Duncan's place, while my Stepmom Endora Pierce is cleaning up for her old friend Lacroix. But hang on---cause we are not done with you crazy kids yet."

There was a hint of menace in Hawkeye's voice. Duncan noticed Joe wave to a man who left the ristorante.

"Hey, Joe? Who was that guy?"

"Oh. Nobody. Just Hawkeye and Margaret's Watcher."

Duncan eyed Dawson.

"But they're not like me. They just age a day for every year."

Joe grimaced.

"Oh, I'm sorry. What EVER made me think they were Immortal?"

Margaret turned to Samantha.

"Sam, how is he?"

The beautiful woman managed a weak smile.

"Feisty as ever. But he still won't let me help him. No magic. I'm going to lose him, Margaret. But at least he and Adam are speaking again. Heh. Darrin still thinks hs son can go back in the closet. Cancer brings no wisdom, I suppose. I--have to go."

Hawkeye held his one-time fiancee, gave her a brotherly kiss, and then she vanished. Margaret spoke next.

"Sam's husband Darrin is dying of liver cancer. Years of drinking haven't helped matters. He still has trouble talking to his own son and daughter. She is Samantha The First, Witch-Queen for the next 200 years. But she can't help him against his will. Some of us may think we have eternity to hash things out. But time is an illusion. Its a trap. Translation : Methos, Cassandra---Find A Way. Hate is way too easy for people as smart as yourselves. End of speech."

Still quite unsure, Methos and Cassandra looked at one another, and thought quite a bit about wasted time. Cassandra asked a question.

"Who--sang that wonderful song?"

Methos nodded.

"Yes. It was almost eery."

Duncan knew.

"It was from 86'. The Monkees' Reunion. Damned odd juxtaposition, though. I mean, what do The Monkees have to do with The Horsemen?"

Methos held Cassandra, just lightly, and smiled.

"Ah, Macleod! Take away the pointless cruelty, and you'll see that The Horsemen WERE The Bronze Age Monkees."

Just then, Silas appeared.

"Can I keep one of the monkeys, Methos?"

He vanished, and Father Mulcahy appeared.

"Sorry, folks. You would not believe the kind of night I've had! Time is all---meshunige!"

As he vanished in turn, the newfound couple went to leave. But standing in their way were a fellow Immortal, two superhumans, and a angry Watcher.

"Oh, Duncan?"

"Yes, Hawkeye?"

"What is that famous catch phrase that Connor just LOVES to use?"

"Daddy!"

"Yes, Blake?"

"Connor says : I Don't Think So."

Margaret now.

"Joe, isn't that a coincidence?"

"Why, yes, Margaret! Cause we don't think so, either."

Cassandra spoke up.

"Look, we know our troubles have caused you all some minor inconvenience, but....Methos, they're turning ugly."

"Cassandra...They Aren't...Turning."

MAINE - THE PIERCE HOME - 1 MONTH LATER

Methos was 5000 years old. Cassandra about 3000. Right now, they felt every minute of it. For they now had a new chaperone. One that made them wish for the good old days - of Kronos. At least he got tired once in a while.

"Uncle METHIE! Read me a stoooorriiiee!!!"

"Cassandra! She's not human!"

"Methos! She bent your sword!"

"AUNTIE CAAASSSSIIEE!!!Can I eat something?"

"Yes, dear child. Try The Drain-O!"

"That's poison! I'll eat this Good Ivy Chocolates Box."

"Lovely child. Truly."

"WHAT'S GINSENG ICED TEA?"

"When did the Pierces say they were coming back?"

"I don't know. Something about after the launching of The Enterprise. Didn't get what they meant, though. Wait--did Blake just have chocolate and GINSENG!!!"

This time, the kid was actually levitating.

"IIITTTTT"SS SHOOOWWWTIIMMME!!!! HEEEERE'S BLAKE!!!!"

In the year 2245, The Pierces and Duncan Macleod watched as Captain Robert April assumed Command of the Starship Enterprise. Margaret smiled at Duncan.

"Just how many pounds of chocolates did you leave them, Duncan?"

"Oh. About 200. And The ENTIRE run of Dragonball Z. It should give Blake some ideas."

Hawkeye nodded.

"That's my little girl!"

As things continued to worsen in 2001, Hell itself rocked with the laughter of Kronos. Then, he turned and saw the rocks of Stygia turn into endless little Blakes. After all, what is Hell but taking care of a hyper-active two year old for a full month?

The End?