On November 13, Duncan Macleod Of The Clan Macleod was asked to remove himself from his place of residence. That request came from his protege, whose head Duncan had tried to take during a Dark Quickening. ( We see a hand outside the door handing DM his sword ) Deep down, he knew Richie was right. But he also knew, after working the dinner theater circuit in Waukegan and Atlantic City, he would return to him. Having nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his onetime friend Doctor David Banner. Years earlier, Banner's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he never return, til he can quell the raging spirit that dwells within him. Can two sci-fi characters from canceled series share a barge without driving each other crazy?
 
THE REALLY ODD COUPLE
 
STARRING
 
ADRIAN RANDALL AS DUNCAN

 
JACK BIXBY AS  DAVID

 
GERAINT WYN-MOLINAR AS NICK THE COP

 
SCOTT BAKULA  AS SPEED

 
JERRY O'CONNELL AS QUINNIE

 
ALEXANDRA VANDERNOOT AND ELIZABETH WARD GRACEN AS
 
THE PIGEON SISTERS
 
( YES, I KNOW THIS IS SCI-FI, BUT
 
THEY'RE PEOPLE, THEY'RE PEOPLE! )

 
(As we open, we see DM shaking his head as he comes onto a wrecked barge. Not only is there furniture strewn about, but pizza boxes, chinese food cartons, etc. )
 
Duncan : Oh, David! David, David! What was it about this time?
 
( We see a disheveled, shirtless David shaking off a bad one)
 
David : Don't blame me, Duncan! Those Hunter friends of yours came around! I trieeeed explaining the situation! They were almost through my neck before I had time to change! Oh, uh, I kinda stuffed Horton into the breadbox!
 
Duncan : Why is it, every time you turn big and green, I end up having to replace pieces of my good Kitchenware? Oh, David, David, David!
 
DB: I know, I know, I know, I.....KNOW! AAAARRRGGH! ( His eyes take on a familiar glow)
 
DM: Wait, David! I've got good news!
 
DB: Goooood.....neeeewwws? ( Starts to calm down)
 
DM: Yeah! It turns out Jack McGee was an Immortal! ( Holds Up a Bowling Bag ) He won't be bothering you anymore!

DB: ( Calm, but exasperated! ) Duncan, that's my lucky Bowling Bag! I can't believe you used it to hold Mcgee's head!

DM: Hey, I was doing you a favor, Mister! Plus, this old bag was filthy! It had pizza grease all over it!

DB: Duncan, that grease helped me to put the proper spin on the  ball....Wait, what's that smell like flesh burning?

DM : MY ROAST! No, wait, I cooked that last night.  Oh, its only Nick The Cop! He's landing as we speak.

DB : You know, he's not that bright. Most Vampires know to leave the office AFTER sunset.

DM: But you know how much the poker game means to him!

DM and DB: POKER GAME!

( Hurriedly, the two men bring the barge to a semblance of order  Enter Nick The Cop, cursed with Vampirism-among other things)

Nick : Guys, would it be so much of a problem for you to install a canopy?

DB : If we could find one that your nose would fit under, sure! But the circus isn't in town!

N: Oh, funny, guys! Hey, you got anything for me to chow on? They never have anyone for me down at the station!

DM : ( Sarcastically ) Oh, I think David put something in the breadbox!

N : ( Opens the Breadbox ) Wow! All-New Packaging!

DB: We call it...Horton A la King!

( Wisely, DB and DM turn away while Nick has his meal. Come to think of it, Clive Barker might turn away at this point; Nick's a sloppy eater)

 
DB : I'll, uh, buy you a new breadbox.

DM : Damned Straight You Will!

DB: Oh, look! Speed's arrived!

( In leaps Doctor Sam Beckett, aka Speed)

Speed: Ok, guys, let's play! I'm a lost kid in 73', and I'm not due to be found til the next afternoon! Cut the cards, I'm feeling hot!

DM: Oh, we'll play!

DB: Uh,huh! As soon as we have certain.... assurances!

Nick: Yeah, Speed! No funny stuff, like last time!

Speed: Oh, c'mon guys! I was just on a hot streak! I hardly needed Al to tell me what your cards were!

DM : Then you won't mind that David installed a device to block ANY broadcast signals from getting in here?

Speed : ( GULPS! ) Uh, you, know? That kid is being stalked by a serial killer! I gotta get back!
( Tries to leap)

DB : It also prevents any premature exits! I might want some of my money back tonight!

Speed : Aaaaah! What's to munch on?

DM: Here's Quinnie! He's bringing the food.

( In Slides Quinnie, carrying three or four pizza-boxes)

Speed : About time!

Quinnie : Slice the pizza and cut the cards! I got 400$ of your dough before I have to up and go!

Speed : ( Opens the boxes) EEww...Anchovies!

Nick : And a TAD too much Garlic! WHEW!

Qunnie : Hey, is it my fault Mussolini took over the Earth I was visiting? Just be happy it wasn't a Kromagg world! Lets just say the eyes have it!

( An explosion occurs and a portal opens )

Quinnie : Did you guys turn on that Al-blocker again? You know how it interacts with my timer!

 
 DM : I remember something like this!

 
         KOREA, 1951, MASH 4077th

 
( Another Poker Game )

Hawkeye : Now, look Macleod! You're into us for over 500! Now pay up or give us something equivalent or we give you to Burns for an appendectomy you'll never forget!

Trapper : Yeah, c'mon Pal! In the end, there can be only one, but before that happens, you do not want to owe this pot!
 
DM : Oh, alright guys! Hey, Radar, c'mere!
 
Radar :  Yes, sir! How may I help yooooooouu.... ( DM runs him through)

Hawkeye : Uh, Duncan...we kinda liked Radar!

Trapper : We did? Ohhh, yeah we did! Really!

Radar : ( Revives suddenly ) Uh, Mr. Macleod, sir? Why did you kill me?

DM : Congratulations, Radar! You are now an Immortal!

Trapper : Hey, Radar's been promoted!

Hawkeye : Radar?

Radar : Yeah, Hawkeye?

Hawkeye : Prove your Immortality!

Radar : You mean.......

Hawkeye : That' s right! Hot Lips is taking her shower right now! Walk right in...what've you got to lose?

Radar : Uh, no Thanks, guys! I may be an Immortal..but I ain't stupid!

 
       END FLASHBACK-PLEASE!

DB : What the hell was that about!? There was no portal in that story!

DM : I know. But it was the only poker-themed flashback I have!

Nick : In the portal...Some kind of bizarre creatures!

Quinnie : Its an alternate Earth...but like none I've ever seen! Its like a twisted parody of our own lives!

DB : The sloppy one...The neat one...They look so damned familiar...but so....different!

Speed : Somebody find a way to close that thing! I can't take it!

DM : On my count, we march into that godforsaken patch of hell and clean house!

( As David changes, they all jump through, swords in hand )

TWO WEEKS LATER, ON THE WORLD THROUGH THE PORTAL....

Gloria Unger : I don't understand it! Felix is never late with the alimony or picking up the kids!

Blanche Madison : Well, I'm not taking it from Oscar anymore ( Opens the door to their ex-husbands' apartment, sees a scene of slaughter, chaos, and strewn furniture. The bodies of the poker players are in the closet.)

Blanche : ( Closes the door, shakes her head) I don't understand! The apartment definitely looks like Oscar's been there, but no one's home!

( A news radio plays in the background )

IN LOS ANGELES, FIGHTING RENEWED TODAY BETWEEN THE IMMORTAL BRADY AND PARTRIDGE CLANS. REPORTS HAVE COUSIN OLIVER AND TIGER AMONG THE FALLEN. DANNY YET LIVES.

Back in the Real World, 1998...

( Someone shows up to the barge; Sees the others have departed )

Radar : Oh, geez, Macleod! Its not nice to Immortalize a guy then not show up for his poker game! Now I gotta contact Urkel!

THE PRECEDING PARODY HAD NO POINT TO IT. IF YOU WISH TO INFER A POINT, DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK. IF YOU WISH TO MAIL IN A POINT, THEN YOUR PERSONAL PROBLEMS EXCEED MY OWN BY AN UNCOMFORTABLE MARGIN.

NEXT WEEK ON THE REALLY ODD COUPLE

DB: Not you! We killed you!

DM: You weren't Immortal!

DF: I am, now! You'll pay for killing my friends, and making that mess without cleaning up! Now, face the wrath of DARK FELIX!

The characters on the Really Odd Couple...do I really need to say that I didn't invent them? Oh, I do? HOKayfine!

COPYWRONG Point less Studios, 1998, because you really should pointless-its rude!