Picard : Excuse me, sir!

Clerk : What can I do you for, Sir?

Picard : You sold me this TOS Captain, did you not?

Clerk : Well, I believe I did, sir!

Picard : I have an complaint!

Clerk : And what might that be, Sir?

Picard : He's dead!

Clerk : Oh, he's not dead, sir!

Picard : I am Captain Of The Enterprise! Do not tell me he's not dead!

Clerk : Oh, no! He's just pinin' for the Nexus!

Picard : Pinin' FOR THE NEXUS?! What kind of nonsense is this?

Clerk : Oh, yes, sir! Its a lovely Officer, the Movie Kirk! Lovely Dramatism!

Picard : Well, the dramatism hardly enters into it! He's bloody deceased!

Clerk : No, no, sir! He's merely sleeping!

Picard : Sleeping, is he? ( Kicks Kirk ) Rise and shine, Captain! WAKY! WAKY! No, I do believe this Captain is no longer with us!

Clerk : Oh, Sir! The Movie Kirk, he just sleeps like that! Its his natural state! Lovely Dramatism!

Picard : I discovered, later on, the only reason he seemed alive was this jet-pack you had strapped to his back!

Clerk : Well, sir! I'm surprised you don't know that the Movie Kirk has a jet-pack like protrusion on his back! Sides, what with all that kicking around you just did, the poor thing went back to sleep! He just needs to wake up!

Picard : My good man, this Kirk wouldn't wake up if you filled him full of regenerative Borg nanoprobes! He's been promoted to the Admiralty beyond the Stars! He's gone where most people end up going before! Instead of pips on his collar, he now has wings! Doctor McCoy has waved the little thingy in front of him, and intoned the dread pronouncement! THis, you TWIT, is an EX-Captain!

Clerk : I see. Well, what is it exactly you want then, sir?

Picard : Aaaargh! I wish to exchange him for a LIVING one! Say...Spock?

Clerk : I haven't got a Spock. I've got a Calhoun!

Picard : Well, is he from TOS?

Clerk : Well, no sir.

Picard : Well, then, he's hardly just compensation, now, is he?! Now, look, you sold me this dead Captain!

Sisko : And You sold me this dead Trill!

Janeway : And you sold me this dead Occampa! She's all discorporated!

Clerk : You know, I never wanted to do any of this! I wanted to go off to the Badlands, with me best girlie by my side!

" Oh, I am a Maquis, and I'm okay; I bomb all night and I talk all day!"

(At the thought of listening to "The Maquis Song", all 3 Captains die of heart embolisms; The clerk then peels off his mask)

Sulu : AT LAST! AT LAST! Two series, and the movies! MINE! All Mine!

(Cue to Deanna Troi, playing the piano, butt naked. Not to be sexist, but that guy in Python was UGLY!)

Dear Sir : We, the 1,930,000 known children of James T. Kirk, wish to protest the previous sketch for its total lack of respect to our bed-hopping father! Also, we know a great many Betazoid women, none of whom play the Piano wearing anything less than a frilly thong, which tickles the naughty bits----so we're told.

                  Signed,

                  Half the Galactic Population

(As the credits roll, we see Soran strap the Old Man to his missile
aimed at the Nexus)