(We see StarFleet Academy; Entering with the other cadets is Wesley Crusher; The Instructor already seems to be glaring at him, though this is actually his 1st day there.)

Instructor: Welcome to StarFleet Academy. Now, which one of you can name the one true enemy of The Federation?

Cadet 1: The Romulans?

(The Instructor Glares; He then pulls a pistol and shoots Cadet 1)

Inst: Pat answer! Next?

 
Cadet 2: The Maquis?

(A Hole opens in her seat, we hear Cadet 2 scream as she is ground up by gears)

Inst: No, no. The UFP does not recognize the Maquis, therefore they do not exist, and the answer is wrong. Next?

Cadet 3: No.

Inst: What do you mean, No?

Cadet 3: You'll kill me if I'm wrong!

Inst: I won't

Cadet 3: Promise?

Inst: Yes, Yes.

Cadet 3: Ok, then. The---Dominion!

Inst: This is TNG Season 5, my fine-feathered friend. The Dominion aren't around yet. Make another choice, quickly.

C3: (Nervous) Uh, The Vulcans from The Mirror-Universe? (Shuts his eyes)

In: Good answer! Now, in the Vulcan desert, you would face...The Lemataya!"

(He pulls a lever, and a prop-looking Lemataya comes out and devours C3 and several other cadets; A disgusted Wesley stands up)

WC: Look, sir. I don't know what you hope to gain by killing all these cadets, but you should stop.

Ins: Oh, we were prepared for you, Mister Crusher! You are a nightmare
to us.

WC: Because I'm awkward?

Ins: No.

WC: Because I'm a know-it-all?

Ins: No.

WC: Because I can easily become a deus ex machina so easy to use, that the writers feel they have to destroy my character to please a small, hardcore segment of the fandom?

Ins: No.

WC: Then why?

Ins: Because you bring to us that most dreaded of qualities---ACTUAL PRIOR STARSHIP EXPERIENCE!!!!!

Cadets: GAAASSSPPP!!! NOOOO!!!

WC: Er, how is that a problem?

Ins: Oh, "How Is That A Problem?" Well, Mister, I'll tell you how! You may be able to open and close rips in the cosmos, and defeat the Borg and recover your Captain, and react graciously to the untoward physical assaults of your Mother and Engineer La Forge, and all that other 'Universe-saving" fal-de-ral, but none of that matters here! This isn't real life, its Simulation! This isn't field work, this is theory! Oh, sure, you can save your crew from some raving cosmic safeguard, but when your grade--and the grades of every other cadet are out there, on the line, can you write that report? Can You?

WC: Um, Yeah. Very Definitely.

Ins: He's made of sterner stuff--put him in---WAIT FOR IT---Berry Squadron!

All: BERRY SQUADRON!

Song: BERRY SQUADRON, UBER ALLES, UNTER......

Ins: All right, you, stop that!

(A Cadet Leader, Tom Paris, emerges)

NTP: Hello, I am the cadet leader of Berry Squadron.

WC: You're Tom Paris!

NTP: No, I am Nottom Paris, his cousin.

WC: You're the same actor who plays Tom Paris.

NTP: If a certain underemployed actor ever wants a VOY guest shot, he better...

WC: Oh, wait. You're Nottom Paris.

NTP: More like it. Now, I shall show you all how to deal with the dreaded Fresh Fruit.

WC: Fresh Fruit?

NTP: Look, I don't know how things are in the hellish void of space, but here on Earth, Fresh Fruit is a Holy Terror! Now, we load the fresh fruit into our flyers...

(Except for Wesley, the cadets get into their flyers)

NTP: Take off....Set the detonation sequence, which will not only confuse the enemy and kill us, but also destroy the Fresh Fru..........

(An angered Wes heads back for the Instructor)

Ins: Back for more, are we? All right, then. If Picard offers you a raspberry, and Riker a strawberry, which one do you attack first?

WC: Will Riker or Tom Riker?

Ins: I...I don't know....AAAAAAHHHHHH  (Flies off into the stratosphere, to loud cheers from the cadets; Wes makes a proclamation to clear the room)

WC: Co-Ed Communal Showers!!!!!

(They all scramble out in a blind, horny panic)

WC: (To Audience) That ought to keep them busy for a while. Little did the Instructor realize that my geekiness is actually a cover. For I am truly---Wesley Crusher of Section 31!

Song: Crusher--Crusher—
Crusher of Sec 31!

Deanna Troi: Its a Man's Life in The StarFleet Illegal Intelligence Department

WC: C'mon, you Betazoid wench! I'm waiting.

Riker: Better go, Deanna, or he'll beat me up again.

DT: Wimp!

Dear Sir: I would like to complain about your sketch. When I complained to your Mister Crusher about my complaint, he threatened to use his time travel abilities to wipe away my existe..........