(We see Connor and Brenda seated by a piano)Connor: Boy, the way our bagpipes played;
Brenda: Calling Highlanders to draw their blades;
Connor: History was nice and staid--
C+B: Those Were The Days
Brenda: And you knew who you killed then;
Connor: My sentence was banishment;
C+B: Mister, we could use a man like Robert The Bruce again;
Connor: Didn't need no serrated blades;
Brenda: The heads would just fall away;
C+B: Gee that first movie went great---Those Were The Daaaayyyyyss!!!
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(As we open, we see the Macleod home in Queens, New York; Connor walks in)
Brenda: Connnnnnor! How was yer day?
Connor: B-u-tiful! Youse are lookin' at the guy what took The Koigan's head!
Brenda: Ohhhhh, so ya got The Prize?
Connor: Nah, them pencil-necks from the Continuity department said that I didn't. Now they says it was just an important battle. I tell ya, Brenda---the government is always puttin' down the little guy. By the by--did my disability check make it in?
Brenda: But Connor--you're not disabled. You can't get disabled. Yer Immortal.
Connor: Yeah! But the government don't know that. This here money used ta be my taxes. I'm just redistricting the wealth, that's all.
Brenda: Ohhhhhh.....ohh!
(Duncan and Tessa walk in)
Connor: Well, if it ain't my little kinsman and his Frog wife!
Tessa: You know, Connor--France was Scotland's ally against England.
Connor: Well you know there, Miss Modern Art, politics, they make strange bedwarmers. We really wanted Spain, but youse was closer, so's we settled.
Duncan: Connor---so what if Tessa makes modern art? Isn't all art art? It exists in the eye of the beholder.
Connor: Now dat's where youse is 120% dead wrong dere, Little Kinsman! Art is not art. Ya got yer apples, and Moaning Lizas, and Red, White and Blue Boys, and pictures of God doin' stuff ta people and places. Now that's art. Ya take this modern crapola, with blocked-off eyeballs, and threads pasted onta paper, and scrap iron somebody glued back together-- and I wonder why the garbageman ain't doin his job!
Tessa: But what about the eye of the beholder?
Connor: Well, Missy--I got this for the eye of the beholder--Phffft! (Sticks out his tongue, makes raspberry sound)
(Duncan and Tessa leave angrily)
Brenda: Cantcha ever talk nicely ta them, Connor?
Connor: I was talkin' nicely. French people like honesty as much as they hate baths.
Brenda: That's terrible ta say. And Tessa showers all the time!
Connor: Yeah--wit Duncan usin up half the water! There's nothin' clean about that.
Brenda: Ya know, I remember my cousin Francine had this parrot that would never let her clean it.......
17 HOURS LATER
Brenda: ......so the wedding went off without a hitch, and the school dance commemorated his missing foot by holdin' a sock hop.
Connor: Dingbat--married to youse--I'm lucky I'm an Immortal. Yer stories'll last straight through to the Blathering!
(Door bell rings)
Brenda: I'llll get it!
(Joe Dawson is at the door)
Joe: Brenda.
Brenda: (Almost screaming) Its Joe, the real estate agent!
Connor: Oh, Geez! My ears ain't Immortal, Brenda. Wadda you want, Dawson?
Joe: Well, Connor--I sold the house next door to an Adam Pierson.
Connor: What kinda name is that?
(Joe whispers to Brenda; goes off)
Connor: He didn't even answer me! What'd he tell youse?
Brenda: Joe said that Mister Pierson is an Englishman. They're really polite.
Connor: POLITE!? Pretty soon, this neighborhood is gonna be lousy with tea and crumpets, everybody'll be driving upside down, and we'll end up crowning some inbred dope as king!
Brenda: Oh, Connor---the Constitution don't allow for no king.
Connor: Then they'll import one in! Its how them people work! Ahhh, I'm goin' for a drive, away from this multicaricaturel nightmare!
96 HOURS LATER, IN THE DEEP SOUTH
Connor: Is dere a problem, officer?
Sheriff Gillespie: Suh--you were going nearly 90 miles per hour, and there is no 90 mile per hour zone anywhere in this great state. Now, I see you are not from around here, so I'm letting you off with just this warning. Drive on, suh.
Connor: Ahh, youse cops is all on the take, anyhow!
(Drives off)
Tibbs: What a complete jerk.
Sheriff Gillespie: He maybe that, Mister Tibbs. But remember--there but for the grace of God go you---or I.
CARROLL O'CONNOR, 1926-2001
The joy is never stifled.