THE US MIDWEST, EARLY AUGUST, 2003

Buffy looked around at the latest 'Watcher safe-house', and nodded appreciatively.

"Imagine--someone actually combined a motel and a movie drive-in. Couldn't have lasted too long."

Giles nodded in agreement.

"The Council often searched out distressed properties like this. They paid the owners what they were once worth, did minor upkeep, and were left alone by the locals. Heh. I almost wish we had a film to spool onto the screen. Both the projector and the screen itself are in good shape."

Andrew walked forward.

"We do have a film. Jonathan made it--sort of."

The curious and frankly bored extended Scooby clan moved in to listen to their most awkward and unwanted member.

"See, Jonathan and I caught 'Fellowship Of The Ring' in Baja. Oh, was he ever disgusted at the cuts they made."

Dawn rolled her eyes.

"As opposed to the cut you gave him."

Andrew began to shake, but got back on track.

"ANYway, he mystically duped a reel, then spent months using the actors, sets, and such to go back and fill in all the missing Tolkien dialogue and sequences via magic. This, my friends, is the *real* extended cut of 'Lord Of The Rings'. Unbutchered. Who's up for it?!"

Giles stepped forward.

"I am. True literature can not be boxed in. Maybe after, we can send this labour of love to Mister Jackson, and show him how its done. I knew these books before they were trendy, and no 'Lethal Weapon' clone will suffice for its on-screen telling."

Willow nodded.

"If Jonathan did this, then his whole life just got redeemed. This is magic used for healing the wounds those ravening Hollywood fiends foisted on us."

Xander looked at the projector booth.

"No instant journeys to Rivendell. I can have this set up in no time--and I'll do it for Jonathan!"

Only Buffy held back as the friends got underway.

"Guys, didn't the director say he made those cuts because, otherwise, the movies would be..."

But the Chief Slayer was ignored, and so, the film began to play in about an hour. Willow even adjusted the local lighting to allow for uninterrupted play, should it be called for.

--------------------------------------------

MID-OCTOBER

Xander answered the phone.

"Hey, Buff! How's Europe? Great. Listen, Angel called. Something to do with Spike's amulet. Yeah. I'll tell him. Oh, that? Well, its moving along nicely. Yeah, I no longer wish he'd taken both my eyes. Okay. You be good, lady. Bye."

Xander put his headphones back on, and then his dark sunglasses.

"I may admire their persistence, but a man can only take so much."

Outside, the nightmare continued. Onscreen, Merry Brandybuck motioned.

"Ho! I have The Prancing Pony in my far sights. Let's us break for the night, and have more of Farmer Maggott's mushrooms!"

Frodo laughed a full five minutes.

"Oh, you thieves! But I shall share the last of this great treasure. Let me hunt up a squirrel, so that his winter's stash of legumes may be made butter for our feast!"

Pippin pointed.

"I think I spy such a rascal, Mister Baggins! Oh, but he has about him a queer look, as though he were not a squirrel at all. Let us sing to him of old Tom Bombadil, and see if this stirs this oddy to speech!"

Willow sat teary-eyed, next to a blank-eyed Kennedy. She shook her head.

"No more mushrooms. Oh, no more singing."

Giles looked at Andrew.

"You couldn't have killed him earlier?"

Robin Wood had suffered a breakdown.

"Mama? Come and take me away from the bad place. I'll be good. I really will."

Faith sat in a fetal position.

"What, are these freaking Hobbits smoking joints? No one has those kind of munchies."

===============================

ANOTHER PLACE, ANOTHER AGE

Frodo shrugged at the end of Sam's telling.

"So that's all there is? The Slayer and her friends stand over the pit where had been their home, and all is done? That's not a proper ending!"

Merry shook a raised hand.

"Frodo, no such telling is proper. Go, I say, and seek out the original text. All will be made clear."

Pippin shook his head furiously.

"Oh, you don't want that! They spend hundreds of pointless pages gathering those wretched Potentials. Still, it was better, I will daresay, than Book Six."