Act I(Out onto the stage walk the Four Horsemen, each speaking in a singing voice)
Kronos: OVERTURE!!!!
Methos: DIM THE LIGHTS!
Caspian: This is it, The Night Of Nights!
Silas: No more rehearsing, and versing the parts!
K: We know every part by Heart!
M: Overture, Dim The Lights!
C: This is it, We'll Hit The Heights!
S: And, oh what heights we'll hit!
Together: ON WITH THE SHOW, THIS IS IT!!!
Together: Oh, we're the demonic chorus, we hope you like our show, we know you daren't ignore us, but now we have to go.......
(We see Kronos, having slaughtered every drunk in a tavern, quite bored)
K: This meager death is no life for me! I'm meant for bigger, and better things, now if I were, say, a mounted rider, dealing in death....
If I were a Horseman, Choppa-choppa-choppa-choppa-choppa-choppa-choppa-chop; All Day Long; I'd Hacka-Hacka-Hacka, if I were a Riding Man!
(Lights fade; We go to Methos, who is facing the consequences of an early rampage)
Judge: So you deny that it was you who tore up that great hall?
M: No, yer honor. Tweren't me.
Judge: Then who was it lad?
M: Welll....It was a Nut; Oooh, what a nut; Oh yes, he really was, such a nut; He drew his sword, and he shoved me down, oh he really was, such A Nut!; And when I heard the screams from all those people; I had no choice; For it was fight or Flight; Gainst' That Nut; Ooh, what a Nut, oh yes, he really was such a nut; He was runnin' round, like a great big clown; Yes, he tried to be, quite a nut; And when he howled his crazy-cry in the moonlight; I had no choice, I had to take his head!
J: WHO?
M: HIM!
J: WHAT?
M: RIGHT!
J: OUCH!
M: SUCH A NUTTTTT.......!!! Thank ya, thank ya very much
(Caspian sits, feeling quite unappreciated in his primitive insane asylum; We see him challenge and best the other ferocious inmates)
C: All right, everyone, there's a new top dog, so sing it out....
Bastard Of The House; Taker Of Your Eyes; One and all you'd like to see me fry; Its generally agreed that I'm a Right Proper Louse; So Let's all raise a Glass; To The Bastard Of The House!
(Cut to Silas, sitting with some young punks)
Punk: Gee, Silas. We'll never be as great as you. We just don't have the vicious edge.
S: Nonsense. I'm nothing special. You just have to go out and build a life, one crime each day! That's the way I did it!
P: Easier said than done, Mr. Silas!
S: No, no. You just have to...Cause; Cause A Wrong; Cause some fear; Show you're strong; Think of evil, not good; Think of fire, not wood; Cause; Cause A Wrong; Make it brutal; They'll talk of you in Songggg; Don't worry that no one's left alive; To tell of your dreadful deed; Just Cause; Cause A Wrong!
Punks: Just Cause; Cause A Wrong---LAlalalalallallallaallaalaallaalalalaaala
S: La-la-la? Why, you bunch of little fairies!
(The confused punks run as S waves his sword)
(We now see Kronos standing atop Mount Meggido, looking down at M, C, and S)
K: Will you join in my crusade? Who would be live and not be dead?
M: We will ride around to people and go chopping off their heads!
C: If there is lightning, then that's good; If there is not; I say who cares?
S: For we will ride and ride and ride til the Gathering Comes!!
(We see the now united Horsemen riding on their 1st village.)
Village Elder: Oh, no! Why must this crime be visited upon us? Why? WHY?
K: Oh, do shut up, Old Man, for you see...As Water causes floods now, and fire burns in rings
M: Look up in the sky, start to cry, its the end of everything!
C: For every man has a beast inside;
S: Kids and women too!
K: You'll never reach your destiny;
M: So here's what you have to do!
C: When Its Time To Die;
S: When Its Time To Die!
K: Its Charon's Ride;
M: The blood-dimmed tide;
C: Don't you flee!
S: When Its Time To Die
K: You Do Not Question Why!
M: You Just Go On Meekly To Your Fate!
Together: Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na; Sha-na-na-na-na; Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na; Sha-Na-na-na-na
Together: (While Spinning) When Its Time To Die; When Its Time To Die; You all just go meekly to your fate...Sha-na-na-nananannana.....
Intermission
(In the theater after Act 1, we see Methos, the writer/director of the musical, trying to placate his four backers; Duncan, Silas, Caspian, and Kronos. As always, DM and Kronos are arguing)
Kronos: Now, look, we may have to be in on this play together, Macleod, but you are dead!
DM: No, you are!
K: Its a simple fact. Either I survived 'Revelations' and killed you, or I am for the worms! We can't both be here!
D: Kronos, its a fanfic. Get over it.
Caspian: Say, this thing isn't going to be Misted, is it? I hate those dumb robots."
(In the background, we see Tom and Crow leave, quite indignantly, while their human friend tries to stop them)
Mike Nelson: Oh, great going, Immies!
Silas: Is this thing up for an Immie?
(K and DM stare at Silas)
K: You had to kill Caspian and leave me him, didn't you?
D: OBviously, I didn't kill him. He must've ducked.
K: Aaaaarrrggh! I hate ducked! If everyone ducked, there'd never be a Quickening! What do you all say?
Richie: Ducking is stupid.
Ramirez: Its like I was telling Kurgan, ducking robs us all of our victories, makes our glories seem cheap and tarnished.
Kalas: Say, I'm a singer! Why aren't I in this thing?
Fitzcairn: We wanted people to actually attend.
Slan Quince: Has anybody seen Dan or Harry?
Nefertiri: WHAT DO YOU MEAN Cassandra has the box seat? Just Who does a woman have to do around here to get a decent seat?
Kristin: Does my butt look big?
Xavier: I dunno. Does Mine?
Silas: I am a PRODUCER! I will not pay 39.98 for drinks and snacks!
Clerk: Then pay 79.98, sir!
S: More like it!
Amanda: Heyyy, Mac! You know I like to look at strong boxes, admire the workmanship. I would have given it back, at some point.
K: Hey, remember me, folks? Leader Of The Horsemen? I'm only the star of this piece!
D: Hey, there's Methos!
M: So, fellas! How do you like Horsemen-The Musical thus far?
D: I find it a bizarre whitewashing of your bloody careers, plus I hate these spoken word singing musicals. Whatever happened to Lerner and Loewe?
K: I took them after "Partridge Family-The Musical Bus Ride"
D: But they weren't Immortals.
K: You didn't see that play!
D: Good point
Kenny: Programs! Programs! You can't tell an Immie from a Kimmie without a program!
K: I found the first act bloody good, or I would if I had gotten that lobotomy!
Caspian: I found it reminiscent of Atlantis -after we got through with it.
Silas: I couldn't find the bathroom, and had to make due.
(All stare at Silas)
D: Fair warning, Methos!
K: Yeah, nothing too stupid or ridiculous!
C: Silas, that was a FOUNTAIN!
Methos: Fellows, fellows, you are my friends and brothers! Would I betray you?
All: Yes!
M: Just go in and enjoy yourselves. This shall be an epic spectacle, not one that sinks into tawdriness. HORSEMEN-THE MUSICAL!
(They all go back in the theater)
M: (On the phone) YOU HEARD ME! Cancel the 1000 Elvis Impersonators!
Act 2
(We see the theater goers settle back into their seats; Macleod and Kronos eye each other)
K: It has to be this way.
D: No choice, then.
K: No, none at all.
D: Well, we did put up the money for this fiasco.
K:Yes, we did. I guess that means we have to endure the ultimate torture.
Together: Watching It!
(In the box, we see Methos and Cassandra, trying to get along---and failing.)
Cassandra: So I'm In It. Am I accurately depicted?
Methos: Of course, my dear. Would I steer you wrong?
Cassandra: Steer me wrong? Methos, you INVENTED the male-pig game of "Open Your Mouth And Close Your Eyes"!
Methos: Oh, you enjoyed it, woman!
Cassandra: On what basis do you say such a thing?
Methos: Well, I could cite your Op-Ed piece in The New York Times, "Games I Enjoyed Playing With Methos".
Cassandra: Always twisting my words.
M: not I am words your ing-twist, ardnassaC!
Cass: No, I suppose you're not
M: These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Cass: These aren't the droids I'm looking for
(Just behind them, we see Tom Servo and Crow)
Crow: Man, are we EVER gettin' dissed around here!
Servo: You think the Popcorn Maker likes me?
(The lights dim, and we see the actors take the stage; There is a great deal of
phony applause)Methos: Good news, Brother! The people of Assyria so fear your name, they will not utter it, for fear of summoning you! They simply call you 'The Thing'! I must speculate on what terrible thoughts of you they harbor this evening."
Kronos: Oh, I know what the people are thinking, Tonight, as they cheat, and steal, and dissemble. Each one of them caught in their own private nightmare--as they stare at the foothills and tremble...Why, wherever the tide turns to stream, You Can Almost Hear Everyone Scream....I Wonder What The Thing Is Doing Tonight; What horrors is the Thing committing tonight; The skulls upon the hill; They never shone so bright; I fear what the Thing is sharpening Tonight; How goes The Demon's Ride with the Thing By His side, courting none other than bad ol' Mistress Death? Well, I'll tell you what The Thing Is Eating Tonight; A great deal of fear served with muffins and fright; For he knows will come the day that Methos will go away; And I won't have my Brother and pal around; I fear Cassandra he will mate; Then I'll be second-rate! And that's what the Thing Is Doing--TONIGHT!!!!
(We go to Cassandra, being pushed around by Silas and Caspian)
Silas: Heh. Guess you'll be willing tonight, eh, wench?
Caspian: Yeah. We Horsemen share, everything! What we are gonna do to you!!
S: (Whispers to Caspian) Say, just what are we going to do to her?
C: I'm not quite sure. Kronos promised to have that talk with me, though, about sticking the dead birds in the beehive, or somesuch.
Cass: Well, to answer you two, I do not feel willing at all, particularly in light of what you just whispered.
Caspian+Silas: Then how do you feel, Cassandra?
Cass: I feel Snitty...Oh So Snitty...I feel snitty, and petty, and low...And I wish to Hell that all of you Horsemen would go....
S+C - Fat Chance!
Cass: I feel Snitty..Oh, so Snitty..I feel torn, and tween, and twixt! And its because of Methos for whom my feelings are Mixed!...See the people who slaughtered my village there...
S+C - What Village Where?
Cass: But Methos still makes my heart flee..I feel Snitty..Oh, so Snitty..I feel Snitty, and hateful, and cold..But at least, like this, I'm sure to never grow old!!!
S+C (Shrugging) Have You seen our Slave, Cassandra, The Craziest Girl In The Land?
(Methos confronts his doubts about The Horsemen's path)
M: I killed her again, last night, and you know that I shouldn't; To string her up; Is just not right; For Cassandra's a student; But what can I do; When the killing is through? There has to be more to life than death; Or she will leave me; Every time I slash my sword, you know I'm getting bored and why; Do we really need to give grief; Like money and power cruelty's a lie; Upon It I cry Fieeeeee.....But I killed her again,
last night, and you know that I shouldn't....(We go to Silas and Caspian, already in progress)
Silas: Whatcha doin, Casp?
Caspian: Studying this book on terror, Brother!
S: What's It Say?
C: It says....Oompa-Loompa dipidty-ky! If you're a Horseman, people will die!
S: Oompa-Loompa,dipitdy-dee, If you are wise, you won't try to flee!
C: What do you get from a human stampede?
S: I find such things to our progress Impede.
C: Why don't they try staying in their mud homes?
S: Then we can burn them, just-like-Rome!
C: Just make it easy on yourselves.
C+S - Oompa-Loompa, darey-de-dar! If you die quickly, we will go far! We will live in fanfic web-rings, like the monster Godzilla who some call king! Who some call king!
S: That wasn't very good.
C: No, but is anything we do meant to be good?
S: Oh, yeah, like that's an excuse.
(As the skies darken, all run to the Horsemen for help)
K: You want our help?
Villagers: Yes, for the Martians have invaded! Help us, Horsemen!
C: Should we?
S: We have to, Dammit! The Earth is our home, too.
M: Then the 4 Horsemen ride against the Martians!
Cass: And I'll stand with you, my love!
All: Down, Down, Bring Em' Down, we'll bring em' down! Bring Em' Down, Down, Down--we'll bring em' down--we'll bring em' down!
K: I'm gettin' bugged with these Martians and their power trip;
Caspian: We gotta stick our swords in-between theirs mouths and lips!
S: We'll; bring em' downnnnnnn...Oooowowooo!!
M: My Brothers and me, are gettin quite well known; Yeah, the bad guys know us, and they gave us their crown
Cass: None of the boys go steady cause they don't have the cash; Which leads some to speculate about fanfic slash; We'll bring em' down!!
(We see the last of the Martian Saucers fall. People loudly cheer their new heroes)
K: We did it!
C: Was there ever a doubt?
S: Not in my encyclopedic mind!
M: All four of us--no, all Five of us, working together, did it!
Cass: Does this mean that I'm a member, now?
K: Hell, Yes! You've earned your position, as far as I'm concerned!
Cass: Oh, Super! But if we're heroes now, what shall we do? We can't kill anymore.
K: Its not about killing.
M: Its not about fear.
C: Its not about power.
S: Or evil cheer.
All 4: When You're A Horseman, you go town to town, cause' you're the baddest and coolest around! You have cool horses, and you have cool shirts, and all your girls they wear really cool skirts! You know ounce for ounce...
Cass: And Pound For Pound, the Horsemen is simply the bestest around!
All 5: And you know that, when you go face-to face, you always win in the Chariot Race! Being a Horseman means losing that frown, cause you own all of the whole crazy town! The - whole - crazy - Primitive- Bronze Age ----TOOOWWWNN!!! Oh, yeaaaaaah! (In leather jackets, they all shake and strut)
Narrator: And so began a bold new chapter in the History Of The Four Horsemen!
(Cassandra, Macleod, Kronos, and Caspian all look up to Methos' balcony seat, glaring hard, while Methos nervously waves down to them)
Methos: So, uh, who's for Act 3?
Silas: Me, Methos! I'm so glad you wrote this play. I didn't remember ANY of this stuff.
Intermission 2: Renegade Producer's Uncut, Re-Dubbed, Hyper-Fighting Turbo Champion Edition
Methos: Caspian, how did you like it?
Caspian: I find it vile and psychotically disturbing, an affront to all that is decent. But you know me, Methos. I like any musical. Kronos doesn't like it so much, though.
M: What makes you say that?
C: Well, look who he's palling around with!
(We see Kronos, mellow from being blasted drunk)
K: So, zen, Meto deshides to pull bock hish support fru fried shrimp, and omly wantsh staek!
(Getting up off the floor is Duncan)
DM: Yu meen, he dosh dat to YOU!? No way!
K: Way!
DM: No....Way!
K: Hello, everybody! Its Kronos' World!
D+K: Kronos' world, Kronos' World! Quickening Time, Excellent! WOOOOWOOOWOOWOWWOOOOWOO
K: Hi, everybody. I'm Kronos, your host, and this is my worthy opponent and co-host, Duncan!
D: Party On, Kronos!
K: Party On, Duncan! Ok. Our topic today is--Horsemen-The Musical!
D: Yah. More like HorseMeneur-The Screeching!
K: Now, Duncan. I found it a hypertime pastiche of the Horsemen's real story, laced together with some experimental-format music!
D: I thought it was phony, and it sucked!
K: (Nods his head) I must concur. It was so bad...
D: How completely bad was it, K-Man?
K: It was so bad, all of the immies and kimmies who ducked, did themselves!
D+K: EXTREME CLOSE-UP!!!!!
K: Wow, here comes that babe Cassandra.
D: She's a mega-babe, plus..I saw her stuff!
K: Me, too! Babe-A-Lon Five!!!!
D: And yet....
K: I know. I don't like her much, either.
Connor: Hell, I like it. Compared to this, HL2 and MK2 are masterworks! Why, even that idiotic sci-fi show with the three idiots talking to the screen looks good up against this.
Crow: Oh, Tom! There's only one thing keeping me from grabbing a sword and playing 'Whack The Immie'!
Tom Servo: What might that be?
Crow: A lack of workable arms.
Tom: Yeah, that could do it.
Blonde Lady: I can't stand this musical anymore! I'm going home and forgiving my husband! AAAHHHHH!
K: Well, have a safe trip home, Mrs.Clinton!
D: He's made a mockery of your atrocities and travesties!
K: Oh, how much of a mockery could it be?
Man: I find these songs to be inane and they have no point! They're just slapdash songwriting efforts, and I want my denouncement recorded!
Clerk: Yessir, Mr Weird Al Yankovic, Sir!
Godzilla 1998: I find this whole thing a sorry ripoff of the original!
Lacroix: I think I'll go for a walk outside, Yaeh! The Summer Sun's calling my name!
Other Vamps: We hear you now, we just can't stay inside all day, gotta get out, get away from this plaaaaayyy...
Silas: We lost the vampires!
Caspian: More than them! Look!
Emperor Palpatine: Vader, tell Obi-Wan we wish to surrender. The Dark Side Of The Force is no longer the dominant evil in this Galaxy!
Methos: That's IT! Anyone who doesn't want to be here, can just leave!
(Mass Exodus)
Duncan: Kronos?
K: Yes, Macleod?
D: Are you SURE he was your planner?
Cassandra: I'm going in the shower!
(Silence)
Cass: I'll be nude!!
(Crickets chirp)
Cass: If one of you doesn't come with me, I'll change my voice to that of Kathy Ireland's!
K: Don't listen---she's bluffing.
Cass: Yes, I am, for now--but laterrrrrr......
D: How's Joe holding up?
K: Not too well.
Joe Dawson: So, then, we fragged the Lieutenant! It was just me, Arnold, Sgt Fury, Sgt Rock, and Dudley Do-Right! Then, we found out some of our boys were still being held by the British from the War Of 1812! I only asked: Do we get to win it this time?
K: War Is Hell.
D: No, Kronos. Hell awaits in....
All (Except Methos).... ACCCTTT THREEEEEEE!!!
Methos: All right, everyone, set up the set for 'Wild Horseman A Go-G0!' And make sure its 100% accurate. No deviation will be permitted!
The Final Act
Morris
(As the lights dim, there is chatter)
Amanda: So, do I end up in this?
Methos: Of course, my dear. Your--creative financing--helped pay the rent on this theater. But we had to, well, composite your character.
A: In what way?
M: That's correct.
A: Uh-Oh.
Duncan: Now, Kronos, I can site several fanfics where you killed me, so I must be dead, and don't have to stay here, after all.
Kronos: Oh, no you don't! You killed me in a broadcast episode, Macleod! That means I'm dead, and I get to leave!
D: Well, I guess you're right. After all, a wimp like you couldn't possibly kill a man like me, ever!
K: Oh, so that's how it is, eh? Well, your Father wore a Skirt!
D: What's your point?
K:DAMN! Look, can't we just kill each other at the same time?
D: Don't be absurd! That's 4000 years of wasted Quickenings we're talking about
K: Its still 1000 years less than this play!
(Methos ascends to the Balcony)
M: Caspian, all the others have turned against me. Why are you and Silas standing by me, through all this?
Caspian: Because I'm psychotic, and Silas is reallly friggin' stupid!
Silas: Yes, I am! Here--Chop Off My Finger! Oops! Did It Anyway! HA! I Killl Me!
M+C: Please do.
ACT 3
Methos: Just where is that woman of mine? We had a fight, and she's hidden herself again!
Kronos: Why, she climbed up that tower, Brother!
Methos: Oh, please stop this. Come Out, Cassandra! COME OUT, CASSANDRA....Come out, Cassandra, don't make me wait; You Bronze Age Witches start much too late; But sooner or later the Gathering awaits; We Might Be The Only Ones; And Darling Only The Gods Die Young; Only The Gods Die Young; You got a hero's medal when we stopped the Martian Invasion; You got your freedom bold; And Teeth Capped With Gold; But Cassandra you then decided to stop our assassinations; We then had to flee; When you altered history; So, C'mon, Cassandra, I'll pay you the fee; I'll give you a vision; You show prophecy; The long hair your stuff is hidden behind; has tan lines for lack of sun; And Darlin Only The Gods Die Young; ONly The Gods Die Young;
Kronos: What the hell was that about?
M: Well, I was just saying how we've outlived so-called gods.
K: Silly me. I thought it was just a cheap song.
(In the balcony, Methos receives a note from Kronos)
K to M: You do realize, that, at this point in history, we were killing lots and lots of people?
M to K: What's your point?
(Onstage, we see Caspian, quite depressed)
Caspian: None of my former victims ever gave me what I wanted-to hear a perfectly-pitched cry for help. Was that so much to ask?...To Hear The Impossible Scream; To Light The Unstoppable Fire; To strive, though their arms have been severed, to cause the unbearable pain; These are my guests; they drove here in Cars; Some of them have already; been in quite a few bars; And if they should go out; DWI; And not see the sharp icy turn wind; Then Perhaps; As Their cars crash and crumple; I'll hear---The Impossible SCREAM!!
(Cassandra comes out of the Tower, unclad)
Methos: Oh, for pity's sake, put something on.
Here, I have a towel.Cassandra: You keep sayin' you got towels for me; You keep sayin' Cass put on a dress; But I got admirers who say let's leave me be, now; Cause they like my well-formed butt and well-cupped breasts; This booty's made for shakin'; And That's just what I'll do; One of these days, one these days I'll jiggle, walk out the door and we'll be through!
(In the audience, private thoughts)
D: Methos is whitewashing his brutal legacy!
K: Methos is Whitewashing our Brutal Legacy!
C: Does anybody really know what time it is?
Cass: The actress's ones sag. Do mine?
Silas: The actor's ones sag. Do mine?
Amanda: Yeah, those chandeliers will go for a pretty penny on the open market.
Methos: They all love it! They are enraptured by my play!
Russia, 1942
Stalin: I appreciate Comrades Horsemen coming to aid Mother Russia, but I have made big deal with Germany, so they will not be attacking.
Kronos: Blast it, Mr. Premier! The Nazis are not to be trusted! They're like we--used to be!
(Audience)
K: Oh, Macleod! You're Mother slept with every man in the village! Your Father wasn't really your father at all!
D: One, it was a custom for her to do that, and two, of course he wasn't my father!
K:Oh, yeah, that foundling thing. Well, kill me anyway. Please? Pretty Please?
(Stage)
Stalin: Do you have evidence of Nazi betrayal?
Cass: Last night we got this word from Hitler...
Meth: He said he would invade your country...
Kr: So, C'mon Stalin, C'mon Stalin...
Caspian: C'Mon Stalin!
Silas: C'mon, Stalin!
All 5: Please Stop Him, Oh yeah, fore he stops you; Please Stop Him, Oh, yeah, fore he stops You!
Narrator: And so did the Four Horsemen turn back the Nazi tide, with Kronos personally delivering the death blow to the Nazi Dictator!
(Audience)
Kronos: I killed Hitler! I KILLED HITLER! I liked Hitler!
Duncan: Because of his savagery?
K: Nah, he was an amateur. But those uniforms were just cool.
(Stage)
1992
K: So, young man, you wish to be Methos' replacement, now that he's leaving us. What makes you think you have what it takes? Just what is your name?
D: Well, Mr. Kronos, my name is Duncan Macleod, and this is my little sister Amanda, who I call Clyde. I'll make you proud, sir, if you just give me a chance.
(Audience)
D: Join--The Horsemen?
A: Little Sister---CLYDE!!?
K: He's betrayed me again!
Silas: If you mix the cheese popcorn with the caramel, Mister Ebert says it tastes really good!
(Stage)
Duncan: Oh, Horsemen please take me on board; We're gonna ride til the last Immortal's done; Ride in the sun; Til we've all won; Have me a time learning how to be cool; Derailing a midnight train; severing the tracks and causing the engine to go; fast but not slow; And Kronos don't you know; We'll make a living hell out of all mass transit;
Kronos: Duncan Macleod; You're a One-Time-Foe; But I think we'll give it a great big go; So hop on your pony cause our ride keeps goin on; Kill Em all; Kill em all; Or at least we used to; Cracklin' Thunder; Hear our Roar...
Duncan: Gee, Silas. How did the Horsemen get together, way back when?
Silas: Glad you asked, Duncan. You see...Kron and Methie were gettin kinda antsy just to leave the mass killing behind; Sil and Caspie; Workin off their aspies; trying to put some lives on the line; Then Cassandra joined our merry pack; At every opportunity; She'd wash her back; I am not a liar; We set bunch of fires, cause that's what we were aimin at; And everyone had on clothes except crazy Cass!
Duncan: A simple 'we met' would have sufficed
(Wedding Bells Ring)
Father Mulcahy: Methos and Cassandra, I now pronounce you husband and wife!
BooooHOOO!! NOOOOO!!!
M: Oh, Kronos, stop bawling!
K: It isn't me, its Silas!
Caspian: Silas, what's wrong?
Silas: Duncan's joined us, but you two are leaving. We'll never see each other again!
Cass: Oh, that'll never happen!
Meth: A-Wop-Bam-A-loo-Bam-A-Wop-Bam-Boom!
Kron: We go together like..Punch-apunchapuncha
DM: You're my new brothers, we'll...sliceadiceasliceadipdidid
Caspian: Chopp-chop-choppiedty-choppa-chop, one of us will be the one-Owowowow!
All: We'll always be together....We'll always be together....We all will live forever....
(PLAY ENDS)
(Duncan walks up to the orchestra, throws them a few thousand in cash)
DM: Maestro, the theme from Benny Hill, if you would be so kind!
Methos: (In Balcony) Uh-oh!!
(With lots of angry Immortals chasing them, Methos, Silas and Caspian run for their lives)
Kronos: Come back, brothers! I wish only to talk with you! Whilst gouging something out, mind you!
DM: METHOS!! METHOS!!!
Spiny Norman: DINSDALE! DINSDALE!!!
Lt. Gerard: KIMBLE!! KIMBLE!!!
Kenneth Starr: MR. PRESIDENT! MR. PRESIDENT!
(Kronos kills him)
K: No way was I gonna be subpoenaed!
All: Look, there they are!
M: Nowhere To Run!
Caspian: Not To Be!
Silas: Finale, Parts 1 and 2!
Crow T. Robot: Hey, guys!
Tom Servo: You can use our transport!
Mike Nelson: Yeah, hop in! Its all yours!
Methos: Thanx, guys! And after all the mean things we said about you MSTers!
(The three fleeing Immortals get in, and the transport takes off)
Mike: WE'RE FREE!
Crow: SUCKERS!
Tom: Oh, Methos! Did we mention that that transport is one-way? We didn't--oops!
UP ABOVE: Earth's Orbit
Mrs. Forrester: So, your Movie today is Highlander 3: The Producer's Cut, which is even more badly edited than usual. Take care, Menthos!
Silas: We have no choice.
Caspian: We have to stay.
Methos: Down there, they'd kill us!
All: WE HAVE MOVIE SIGN! AAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!
Back On Earth
Kronos: Ok, Macleod, let's be generous with that Holy Water! This theatre needs a DEEP cleansing!
DM: Especially here.
K: Why there?
DM: That's where Silas was sitting. Wait, Amanda, don't smoke near where Silas was.....
"HORSEMEN-THE MUSICAL---BRINGS THE HOUSE DOWN!!"
"A BURNING SENSATION!"
"YOU WON'T FORGET THIS ONE!"
"IT LEAVES AN IMPRESSION"
(Everyone except Amanda cleared out in time. She stands there, hair turned white, melted cigarette in hand)
Amanda: You know, Duncan, this wasn't a very good night at the theatre.
Badadadada-Dum!