"Space, in all its stellar vastness, is said by some to be man's final frontier. We find things that improve the quality of life for all in our galaxy. The now-common vaccine for Qavert 1212 was developed solely as a plant protector during an Organian Treaty competition with the Klingon Empire over a planet that proved to be uninhabitable--for all the dilithium buried there. But in the process of seeking out new life, and new civilizations, some boldly go on the wrong side of Federation law. That's where I step in. I'm a cop. My name is Friday."DRAGNET 2269
"The story you're about to hear is true. The names involved are well known to the galaxy-at-large."
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"My partner Bill Gannon and I were working Vehicular Theft under Commodore Mendez when a case we'd been working on cracked wide open."
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"Joe, Bill---that shuttlecraft that was stolen? Its in the custody of The USS Enterprise. I'd like you two to place the thieves in your custody. There's a band of familiar favorites behind it all."
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"Using a stripped-down transport built for speed and not much comfort, Bill and I made for Enterprise's position. There we were to arrest the famous---or to my mind-- infamous Doctor Svrin. Once a major proponent of the technology that has raised the quality of all our lives, he now preaches a standard anti-tech message. Nothing special. Just another scientist with too much brains and time and not nearly enough discipline."
"Hey, Joe? Is this gonna be like when we took down that cult-leader and her son? They were anti-tech, too, if I recall."
"I don't think so, Bill. Remember, she had a suppressive anti-tech shield up. Svrin or one of his followers tries that aboard Enterprise, they better have a lot of air on hand, fast."
"I guess. Joe, ya think we'll back by Thanksgiving?"
"Probably. Why?"
"Oh, the wife is fixing up some of her world-class relish. She makes it with carrots and those little green onions--I mean scallions. Did ya ever notice that, Joe?"
"Notice what?"
"How people call them little green onions, but they're really scallions?"
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"Arriving aboard Enterprise, I was pleased to find out that Captain Kirk is just as good as his reputation--and nowhere near as combative."
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"Gentlemen---you want those---people? You're welcome to them. Just get them off my ship, please."
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Talking to Doctor Svrin was like talking to that proverbial brick wall.
"I am not bound by your tech-enfeebled laws. I do not recognize your authority or the government you represent."
"Well, you're in luck, Doctor. Because both that authority and that government surely recognize you. Not that we really want to. What happened to your immune system is tragic. But why don't you help correct the flaws in the society you built, instead of just tearing it all down?"
"My words---they fall on deafened ears."
"My sentiments exactly, Doctor."
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"Asking around, we found the situation was nowhere near as cut and dry as we had thought. But then, it rarely is."
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"I---have diplomatic immunity. My father is an Ambassador."
"Fine--Daddy can come and fetch you out of lockup on Earth. But I have a job to do. I intend to do it."
"But we seek only a higher truth."
"So do I---they're The Facts. Just The Facts."
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"You must understand, Detective Friday. Irina--she has always been like this."
"No, Mister Chekov, you're wrong. Whatever she was---she's just become worse. Suppose that stolen shuttle had been needed for an emergency? What If I told you it was, and a child died because it wasn't in its bay?"
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"Detective, they merely seek higher truths. Their goals are laudable."
"Commander Spock--now just why is it that every truth seeker except for Christ and Surak and a handful of others always need to take someone else's property to find the truth? Because my truth says---that's against the law."
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"Herbert!"
"Herbert!"
"Herbertherbertherbertherbert....."
"Detective Gannon? Doesn't your friend know what we're calling him?"
"Oh, he knows, son. But to Joe Friday, ya see---'Herbert' is a compliment!"
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"I would like it stated for the record, now, that 'Fleet's orders to Captain Kirk, not to arrest the Ambassador's son, tied his hands and caused the brief takeover of the Enterprise. When we came to, we were in Romulan space, and some of Svrin's party were dead. Eden had an acid filling, it seems. Maybe its like Captain Kirk said. Man shouldn't just wander back into Eden---maybe we need the beating of drums. That's not my field, though. I'm just a cop."
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"So I am to be arrested merely for seeking Eden?"
"No, Maam. Irina--your quest is a good one, and I wish you well. But you decided to drag 400 innocent people into the territory of an enemy that is just as fascist as you folks claim our government is. Now, wouldn't you say that's wrong?"
"Notably, none of Svrin's followers were quite so talkative anymore."
IN A MOMENT - THE RESULTS OF THESE ACTIONS AND INVESTIGATIONS OF AND FOR THE SUPERIOR COURT OF SECTOR 001
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"The woman known as Irina Gulinan was sentenced to 6 Months at Auckland Penal Colony. The Ambassador's son had the unfortunate timing to return just as his father was removed from office during a sexual scandal. Captain James Kirk was given a Medal Of Commendation 1st Class, his 127th since assuming Command of The USS Enterprise. Sgts. Friday and Gannon are currently in Iowa, investigating the sensational murders last year of Captain Kirk's mother and young nephew. More as that case unfolds."
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"Hey, Joe? Wouldja hold this metal plate while I hit it with the hammer?"
"No thanks, Bill. I learned my lesson."