Captain and Crow
by Rob Morris
(From out of the Nexus, three emerge)

Soran: Who the hell are you?

Crow: Me? I'm an aging actor who gets stereotyped as a brooding psycho.....Oh! You were asking me who I was!

------------------------------------------------

(As Kirk carries Picard's body)

Crow: C'mon! Just get a pile of sticks and throw him under it!

Kirk: He deserves better. Besides, its a pile of stones.

Crow: Welllll---you might have required stones. I mean, let's face it, you were going for Scotty's crown, back when.

(Kirk grunts)

Crow: You should lift with your legs, not your back.

---------------------------------------------

(At the D's wrecksite)

Riker: Is that.....

Crow: Yupper! But I'm willing to let 'Devil's Due' go, if you are. Besides, it was all Joel's idea! Yeah--that's it. Joel.

(Tries to comfort Beverly)

Crow: I don't think he suffered.

Bev: Thank You.

Crow: On the other hand, being a good deal lighter than Captain Kirk, he did glide around on that Bridge for a while. Heh! Crashed into every rock face he could find. By the time he was done, you'dve thought his name was Wile E! And how he found those acid thorn bushes is just beyond me. Plus, he was in pretty good shape. Bet he lingered a good hour or so. Hey! I think he even stirred in the shuttle, but Jim was asleep, and I was reading Maxim.

(She screams and runs off crying)

Crow: WHAT?!

--------------------------------------------

(In Uhura's office)

Uhura: Jim, I want you to take command of the E, and I'll do anything I have to--understand?

Crow: OH, GODDDD!!! Jim, run. She's gonna do the fan dance again!

Uhura: (Indignant) I'm 132!

Crow: BLECCCCHHHHH!!!!

-----------------------------------------------

(Deanna's cabin)

Deanna: Jim, we have to talk.

Crow: Heh! She's taking you in for her private counseling....how does this feel? Are you getting any impressions? Picking up anything? Expanding your receptiveness?

(Deanna just glares)

Crow: You should call Spock for pointers, first.

-------------------------------------------------

(Starfleet Security leads Crow away from Picard's funeral)

Crow: FINE! See if I create any rap-metal-ska-classical harmonica medleys for YOUR funerals!

Professor Peter Kirk: Can't you show some dignity, even here?

Admiral Saavik K: You are turning this into a mockery.

Crow: You mean, as opposed to writing the same couple into every single universe?

(They stalk off)

Crow: What actors play you two, anyway?

------------------------------------------------

Kirk: I've decided...its time to go back where I belong.

Crow: Nah. Priceline just hired Sarah Jessica Parker.

Riker: I'm with you, sir.

Crow: Thus delaying his own command a startling 1500th time! Oh, Chekov--he's closing on you, pal.

Scotty: And I'll be replacing Geordi.

Crow: I always say--make sure two senior officers are anachronisms, so's we can blow up the ship that much faster. We'll be on the Enterprise-T by June.

Hawkeye Pierce: Me and Margaret will be replacing Bev.

Crow: Making this now--an 11-year mission?

Wes: Even I came back.

Crow: WHY?!!

Kirk: Well, we need Wesley's time-space abilities to drive away a great menace.

Crow: Ghidorah?

(They all surround him)

Kirk: No--but the same coloration.

Crow: Oh, are we colorizing The Cage again? Cause that first time really just suck....

----------------------------------------------

(Another Universe, Empok Nor, now the second Deep Space Nine)

(Sisko is working)

Crow: So BOTH the Prophets and The Admirals ditched you? Boy, that doesn't speak very well for you, now does it? Does Robert Urich return your phone calls anymore?

(Sisko looks up)
 

Sisko: Kevin Johnston---HELLLP MEEEE!!!!!!