(Allen Funt emerges onstage)

Funt: Hi, Folks, and welcome once again to Candid Camera. Boy, do we have a show for you.

(The Enterprise-B's Bridge appears onscreen behind him)

Funt: Now, Captain James Kirk has seen many a ship through many a harsh situation. Buutttt.....what happens when he is sent out on a routine ceremony with a ship and a Captain--who are COMPLETELY unprepared?

(Onscreen, they near the Nexus)

Kirk: Tractor beams?

Harriman: Tuesday.

K: Photon.....

H: Tuesday

(Back to Funt)

Funt: Just to increase the fun, we gave Captain Harriman a drug to increase his addling a bit. Now, watch what happens when Captain Kirk takes back the seat that is so rightfully his.

(Onscreen, Kirk stops Harriman and goes below deck himself)

Funt: We installed minute electric shocks in that chair, all set to Kirk's body signature! (Claps his hand)  Now, let's follow him below deck

(As The Nexus takes Kirk, the picture goes blank)

Funt: Oh, boy...Not exactly the kind of day The Captain was planning to have. Now, ignoring all laws of time and space--and decency--lets skip ahead 80 years.

(Onscreen, Geordi is installing Data's emotion chip)

Funt: What Data doesn't know is that we've replaced his emotion chip with a simple voice-transmitter. Watch the wackiness ensue.

Voice Transmitter: Tell Dumb Jokes.

Data: Hello, I'm Mister Tricorder.

Data: Open, Sesame!

Voice Trans: Be Afraid.

Data: (To Soran) Don't hurt me!

Voice Trans: It can be removed.

Data: I want the chip removed.

VT: It can't be removed.

Data: I must accept that it cannot be removed.

VT: You are glad it wasn't removed.

(Funt is guffawing onstage)

Funt: Folks, doesn't that just make you positronically hysterical? Well, we did have a joke involving Captain Picard's brother and nephew. But they're off in Las Vegas, so we'll let that go til next week. Also, we'll find out what happens when we tell a group of loyal Starfleet officers that The UFP is selling them out to the Cardassians! Annnnd...a certain Captain on a former Cardassian station is going to be haunted by actors we hired and dressed up just like those he knows and loves. Until then, folks, just remember, when you least expect it, someone may come up to you and say......

(Worf comes out, and holds Funt. Picard and Kirk emerge; They take turns beating him to a bloody pulp)

Picard: I'm going to pummel you in Number Two!

Kirk: You...won't be Starting Over.

(Funt lies there, broken; Data comes out; attaches chip to back of his neck)

Data: (Speaks into microphone) I am a cruel sadistic little man seeking fun at the expense and humiliation of others.

Funt: (Realizing he can't fight off the influence) Ohhh.......Shit!

Data: (Pulls out a camera) Smile!