(Jadzia walks into Sisko's office)Dax : Benjamin--this small fragment is all that's left of The Odyssey, after the Jem'Hadar got through with it.
(Its about the size of a turkey platter)
Sisko : Another Galaxy Class lost.
(He turns around, and we see outlines of Galaxy-classes on his wall. Endless rows are marked with X's. He adds one more.)
(O'Brien walks in)
Miles : Sir, this is all that's left of the USS Illiad. The Jem'hadar were thorough.
(Its half of O'Brien's height and width)
Sisko : Another Excelsior Class lost.
(Goes into a cookie jar. Pulls out a Excel.-looking cookie; Breaks it)
Sisko : They only baked 100 dozen of those for the 'Generations' premiere. Shatner and Doohan got the bulk of them.
(Bashir walks in; straining)
Bashir : Sir--thisss--is all that's left of the USS Aeneid (Falls beneath a nacelle that's sticking out the doorway) AAGH!
O'Brien : Has he got Blue Cross?
Dax : No, Julian's an agnostic, since he dropped the 'El Fadil' part.
(Kira walks in)
Kira : Sir--that (she points out bay window) is all that's left of the USS The Betsy
(They look out; The ship is 100% intact)
Dax : But they don't have a scratch.
Kira : They had to turn back; The Champagne was not Korbel.
Sisko : Is Bareil with you, Major?
Bareil : I'm right here, Captain.
(Sisko nods)
Sisko : Another Ambassador-Class lost
(Fires a phaser; Kills Bareil)
(Jake walks in)
Jake : Dad, I recorded the Death Of Henry Blake episode like you wanted.
(Sisko nods; Takes out a tongue depressor; Breaks it)
Sisko : If anyone actually gets that joke, E-mail the author. People! We have got to find out who these Founders are!
(Odo walks in)
Odo : Excuse me, sir.
Sisko : Not now, Constable! Now--who are these Founders?
(Odo stretches and waves his hand)
Odo : Captain, its urgent we talk.
Sisko : Stand down, Constable! The Founders could be literally anyone!
(Odo puddles up from his desk)
Odo : Sir, I've been waiting quite some time....
Sisko : Don't push me, Constable! The last thing I need around here while we're trying to figure out who The Founders are is some silly shapeshifter from the Gamma Quadrant whose people exist in shadowy legend!
(All act startled at once)
All : (Fingers in air) Saaaaaaayyy.......
(All pile into The Defiant)
Dax : Say, Odo? With you gone and all your staff on vacation, who'll keep order on the station?
Odo : (Pshaws) It'll keep itself for two weeks!
(Back on the station, Tom Paris is punching Quark with abandon)
Harry Kim : Now! Kick him when he's down! Again!
(Janeway walks up, frowning)
Janeway : Mister Paris!
(Paris holds a bloodied Quark)
Paris : Yes, Captain?
(She punches Quark)
Janeway : Its my turn.
(The Badlands; Boy this thing is drifting)
Chakotay : What do you mean, no Starfleet ships are pursuing us? None at all?
THE WORMHOLE
(Now, there's a severely-innuendo-laden term)
Sisko : Damn The Dominion And The Founders And All This Capitalization! They are clever.
(A single Jem'Hadar is manning a massive 'Founders' toll gate)
Bashir : Anyone got dimes?
Miles : Of course not! We don't use money anymore! Major, Dax--unzip your jumpers as we get up close. You too, Julian--just in case.
Bashir : No! I draw the line at B/J'h!
Dax : Why?
Bashir: Well, I have to draw it somewhere.
Sisko : Who do I get paired off with in those things?
(Kira whispers)
Sisko : Hey! That young man BRIBED his way to Lieutanant! All latinum--nothing else.
(Everyone nods suddenly)
All : Now it makes sense..I was wondering about that.....
(O'Brien speaks)
Miles : Now, as we go through the wormhole, there may be side-effects.
(They all scream and writhe in agony as they fall to the floor of Defiant)
Sisko : Waterloo!
Kira : I was defeated you won the war...
Miles : Waterloo!
Dax : Promise you'll love me forevermore!
Odo : The history book on the shelf....
Sisko : is somehow repeating itself....
(The agony stops; We can't see their shadowed forms)
Sisko : Is everyone all right?
Kira : All here, sir.
Miles : And no side effects!
(They get up--as Muppet versions of themselves)
Sisko : Movin Right Along; Oh We are Out On The Towners;
Miles : We're Searching For Founders
Dax : While Making Gamma Quadrant Rounders!
Kira : We're Movin Right Along;
Odo : Oh, could things get much worse?
(A muppet Ghidorah passes outside; waves)
Sisko : Hey, I've never seen him here in our universe!
Dax : We're Movin Right Along
Miles : Hey, Founders, Where You Kept?
(They pass Krenim, Kazon, and other Delta Quadrant-based ships)
Kira : Send someone to fetch us, we're in a Voyager ep!
Dax : We're Movin Right Along
Miles : So far interference-free
Odo : Don't anyone disembark here
Sisko : Its Veridian 3!
Miles : We're Movin Right Along!
Worf : Oh, guys, can I come, too?
Dax : You're not really here for say, a season or two.
Sisko : We're Movin Right Along!
Miles : Those Founders sure do rot!
Kira : They just took our systems out with one single shot!
(They change back from Muppets; They glare at Sisko)
Sisko (Gulps) Darn that Shelby! She changed all my invincible specs! Yeah, that's it. My specs got changed.
(He points to the floor)
Sisko : We'll hide in the secret passages. Dax--pull that light fixture!
(She does; The revolving floor slams Sisko inbetween levels; His face is skrunched)
Sisko : Dx--lt go f th light fxtre!
(We interrupt BS5 for an episode of 'Those Wacky Ferengi')
(Spock walks up to Rom's delivery service)
Spock : Can messages be sent to AU's?
Rom : Of course, sir. Its our specialty!
Spock : Very well. Tell my Captain that his son is alive and held prisoner by corrupt forces within Starfleet. If you fail to do this, he may take a briefing room chair and kill me. If that happens, you will suffer a fate beyond description!
Rom : Don't you worry, sir.
(Rom+Quark argue)
Rom : You mean you SOLD my message paper?
Quark : You mean you didn't have a back-up copy?
(Both look at screen)
Both : UH-oh!
(Later; Their fate unfolds)
Berman : Now, the Klingon's ridges should look.....
Quark : But sir. This is Pre-TOS. No Klingons have ridges.
Berman : .....and the Vulcans overbearing nature.....
Rom : But, but Vulcans are live and let live kind of people!
Both : We're writers on Enterprise! AAAAGGHHHH!!!!!
('Those Wacky Ferengi' comes to an end)
(Back to BS--- Sisko awakens in his office)
Sisko : Why, that whole Dominion thing was nothing but a dream. Or am I still dreaming?
Miles : Sir, my omnipresent wife is cooking corned beef, cabbage, and boiled potatoes tonight. You might want to bring Kassidy Yates, as played by Yummy Lynn Whitfield.
Quark : Captain, the Constable has been avoiding my tavern like the plague. Order him to come around more, willya?
Kira : No can do, Quarkie m'love! My hubby is spending time with me.
Dax : So long as you don't try and steal Julian from yours truly!
Bashir : Look everyone. I have Commander's bars. Enhanced people are on the fast track at Starfleet.
Garak : Dukat just called. He wants me to be co-chair of the Ethics Committee.
Jake : You're looking at Starfleet's newest officer!
Mirror Universe DS9 Women : And we're going to go for a more subtle Willow/Tara thing, instead of the insulting blatant stereotypes that we have become!
(All leave; Sisko stares at readers)
Sisko : Hell, I know its a dream. But for tonight---I get to have sex with Lynn Whitfield! I mean, doesn't this beat having to deal with Garak and The Romulans?
(The Next Day)
Kira : Kai Winn called. She's withdrawing from public life entirely.
Sisko : Yeah, yeah. But I now have to get out of this dream. I have to introduce a nightmarish element.
(Nechayev appears, looking a bit like Sandra Dee)
Nechayev : Like, Captain? I just totally signed the ginchiest treaty, ya know? The Dominion gets all of Bajor, cause Bajorans bite the weenie when it comes ta clothes. Now, totally obey!
(Sisko recoils; points a crowd of Bajorans to Nechayev)
Sisko : She's your new Emissary.
(They cut her down in a hail of phaser fire)
Sisko : Works every time.(He wakes up; bound)
Sisko : I dreamed I was still on DS9.
Miles : I dreamed I was a crooked fight promoter.
Kira : I dreamed I was a dead girlfriend, restored by time travel.
Bashir : I dreamed of two hideous and rapacious powers that chewed up our history for their own gain. Their initials were B&B.
Dax : I dreamed that this fic used a lot more Mel Brooks jokes.
Sisko : Let's work on getting free. Initiate a commercial cutaway--now!
(When the commercial break is done, they are free)
Bashir : But how will we get past the Jem'Hadar?
Kira : By acting like a team.
Sisko : No--by acting like brothers and sisters!
(They walk past the Jem'Hadar)
Dax : He was MY date!
Kira : If you can't hold on to them, don't blame them for turning to me.
Miles : You got a car for graduation! I got a lousy used watch.
Bashir : (smiling) I know.
Sisko : Do I ALWAYS have to play peacemaker with you four?!
Miles : Oh, here comes Daddy's favorite.
Kira : And Mommy's.
Bashir : The martyr, always sacrificing for us---ohhhh, we're soooo grateful!!!!
Dax : Pity he could never hold a job.
Sisko : Because Mom and Dad always made me take care of you ungrateful brats!
(They get out; The Jem'hadar look on)
JemH1 : Boy, ya know? My family is just like that.
JemH2 : Ahh, everybody's family is just like that. I could tell you stories.....
(They all get out)
Dax : Curzon used to have a sure-fire method of making an enemy avoid him. Follow my lead.
(She walks up to Weyoun)
Dax : Excuse me, Mister Combs? You were just great as that crooked wrestling promoter on Voyager!
(Bashir walks up to female Vorta)
Bashir : You were so cool as Delenn's traitorous friend on B5. Could you sign this nude internet scan from your first movie?
(The Vortas run off, shaking)
(Odo is listening to the words of the Female Founder)
FF : Our plan is simplicity itself. We shall spend all of our money on the war. Then, we shall ask for the backing of the Cardassians, Klingons, Romulans, Breen, and whoever else wants to conquer. We shall then lose the war, and keep the money that the others put up. Using that money, we'll fight a real war and beat the Federation!
Odo : But........suppose you win the war?
FF : Get Out! You have no place in the Great Link with narrow thinking and overlong ellipsises like that!
(Odo leaves; then turns around)
Odo : Are you my mother, older sister, fated mate, or something?
(FF looks about)
FF : I just don't know. Behr won't even tell me.
(She looks down as he eases out)
Odo : She creeps me out.
FF : He'll be back, Weyoun. I kept his coat.
Weyoun : They stole back his coat.
FF : D'oh!
(Back on DS9)
Sisko : My son has been posessed by an evil muse!
(Jake wears a top hat and wields a cane)
Jake : If you're blue and you don't know where to go to; Why don't you
go where fashion sits......Morn : Pftin n th Rftz!
Odo : I've discovered an infant shapeshifter! Watch what he can do!
(No one is looking; Infant rises up)
Inf. Shap. : Hello, My Baby, Hello My Honey, Hello My Ragtime Gal; You Are My One Desire; Honey My Hearts On Fire;
Odo : Look! Look!
(No one does)
Inf : So come on; and tell me I'm your ownnnnn!!
Odo : Look!
(Everyone does; the infant has discorporated)
Sisko : That---that whole ash thing is really, cool, Constable.
(Odo takes the container and seals it back in the panel where he found it)
-------------------------------------------------
CARDASSIAN SPACE
Damar : Gul Dukat! I've captured Sisko and his crew. This time for sure!
(Assembled are : Robert Urich, Jamie Farr, Gary Busey, Didi Conn, Dean Stockwell,etc.)
Dukat : You idiots! You've captured their past co-stars!
Damar : Errr....the Female Founder is here to see you.
FF : Yes, I am. Would you like to ally Cardassia with the Dominion?
Dukat : Okay. But you have to do this for me....(Whispers)FF : Why are you men obsessed with Kira? I mean, she's......never mind. Agreed. It is the dawn of a new beginning.
Damar : (Sings) Its Springtime For Dukat On Cardassia......
Weyoun : ....Winter For Bajor and Earth!!
FF : I thought Cardassian springs were hellish times of Acid Rain and 'Dear John' Reruns.
Dukat : Well, yes. But the song flows so blasted well.
FF : Let us end this meeting on a high note!
All : (Singing) Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
----------------------------------------------------
Miles : Sir, its confirmed. Worf is coming.
Kira : Worf.
Odo : Worf.
Bashir : Worf.
Dax : Worf.
Sisko : Worf!!!! (Gets on the top of the console in Ops)---what is he good for?
Odo : Raising Our Ratings!
Sisko : Say it again, now! Worf!! Prophets, What Is He Good For?
Dax : Raising Our Ratings!!!
Sisko : Yeah, yeah, yeahh!! I fear Worf, and that's no lie--
Bashir : Cause he means the destruction of our storylines!
Kira : Ira Behr Claims About Worf That We'll Have More Say!
Miles : But Worf doesn't give screen time--he can only take it away!!!!
Sisko : I say WORF!!! What is he good for---Dominating Two Shows!
Dax : TNG once had Worf in a walk-on role! But then he stuck around, and Crosby's job he stole..
Bashir : Worf is a threat to our DS9!
Kira : TPTB think he is such a great find!
All : Worf----What Is He Good For?
Jake : (Not singing) Four more seasons?
(They all stop, get off the chairs and table tops)
All : (Muttering) Didn't think of...kid has a good...a check's a check....
Bashir : Wait...my mutant senses are detecting some strange chatter.
(The best...number since Manos)
Kira : I can hear it too, now
(If I....Mel Brooks...sue for any...reason)
Dax : Its coming in more clearly each time.
(Maybe being that deep in space has softened their sense of good dialogue. I know it has mine.)
Sisko : It sounds familiar, somehow.
(When he was Hawk on Spenser, he'd just bust in a few doors.
Yeah, but on DS9 the doors open automatically.
Kind of like the nuances of the Dominion plot.)
Sisko : No, no it can't be.
(What can't it be? His Shatner imitation is getting worse?)
Kira : I'd almost rather be infested by the Pagh Wraiths.
(Don't kids trade Pog Wraiths in Hawaii?
Ugh. Don't go there. There could be Pokemon Wraiths.
Yeah, Like Pokemon *isn't* the work of extradimensional demons?!)
Dax : Benjamin---Kor once mentioned a phenomenon like this happening to Kirk, as he, Spock and McCoy went camping before the mission on Nimbus 3.
(TS : Yeah, Kor and Kirk used to trade camping stories between assasination attempts.
MN : Hey, that's how I bonded with a bully back in high school.
Cr : A little thing like that does tend to bring brainless thug and worthless geek together.)
Sisko : Oh, Sweet Prophets!
(Cr: A little passion, a little blindness!)
Miles : Its true! Its true.
(TS : The crown has made it clear! The climate must be perfect all the year!)
Bashir : Sir, we're going to have to face it.
(MN : They're addicted to Love?)
All : WE'RE BEING MISTED!!!!!!!
Crow : Well, they're sure not being missed.
Sisko : Calm down. We're going to find them.
Servo : Cause they been SEARCHIN'! Searchin everywhereeeee!!!
Miles : They're watching us. They've seen us with our loved ones.
Mike Nelson : I've seen you with Klinger's wife--and wearing some of his collection. You didn't look bad--not that I, ya know....
(The voices stop)New Voice : I have them, Captain!
Tom Servo : Let us go!
Crow : Hey! Watch the arms!
Mike Nelson : OOWWWW!!!
(Worf walks in with the three in tow)
Sisko : We were all wrong about you, Mister Worf. Nelson? Why were you MISTing us as we went? Why didn't you have the decency to wait until it was done?
Mike : Hey, c'mon, Cap'n Hawk. This thing is a DS9/Mel Brooks Xover. Its MISTING is guaranteed, anyway.
Sisko : Not today, and not by you. Constable!
Odo : Come on, you!
Servo : BENSON!!!
Odo : Stop that.
Crow : Cy-Killllll!!!!
Odo : I'm warning you....
Mike Nelson : He's gonna read us our last rites..
All Misties : Anddd Suicide is painless...
(Odo takes them away)
Sisko : Mister Worf, welcome to....
where is he?Bashir : Romancing Dax, reuniting with his suicidal brother and now-grown son, and searching for relics with Kor.
Sisko : Damn, but he moves in fast.
(Raises an eyebrow)
Crow (Voice in the far distance) Fascinating!!!
Sisko : Having Worf around changed everything. He was a real Multi-Source character. Yes, a real MS.
(Worf shakes his fist at Gowron)
Worf : Gowron, you are without honor!
Gowron : All right, all right. I'll withdraw from Cardassian Territory! Just don't use that catchphrase again. I'm allergic to catchphrases.
Sisko : All right, people--let's move out!
Kira : Is this the will of The Prphets?
Bashir : I can't do anything more for this man.
Dax : Curzon used to say....
Miles : I found another blasted Vole!
Quark : How much latinum is in this for me?
Odo : We'll have to see about that.
Keiko : Are you and Miles playing Alamo again?
Rom : Brother, Chief--we have a small problem.
Picard : Make it so!
Troi : How does that make you feel?
(Bleeding and broken and wheezing, Gowron makes it to the bay doors)
Kirk (waiting by them) This is going to be biggg!!!
(Gowron dies screaming; Klingons glare)
Klingon : Our Chancellor has been cancellored!
Odo (Gulps) Errr--No! No. He was one of my people. Yeah, that's it. One of me.
Sisko : He was a lousy shapeshifter!
Klingon : Then why did he not discorporate?
Miles : See how lousy he was?
(Worf talks with Kor)
Worf : So--we are to find the lost slippers of Kahless?
Kor : Those comfortable yet sturdy pieces of warrior footwear that enabled him to stand his ground in a stylish yet always manly fashion.
Jadzia : Then--I guess we three are on the path of Lord Kahless!
Kor : The path to Stovokar.
Worf : Stovokar?
All 3 : (Singing as they go) Oh, we're on the path to Stovokar--we certainly do get aroooounnnd! Boom-chikee-boom-chikee-boom!
Worf : Later, we found the slippers. But a fight broke out.
Kor : These slippers will restore my youth!
Jadzia : These slippers will renew my contract.
Worf : These slippers will make me a really cool guy in the Empire!
(Duras' son runs up--grabs them)
Duras son : I got em'! I got em'! I....
(Large explosion is heard)
Worf : Didn't he know about the Indiana Jones-like curse on those sacred slippers?
Kor : We shall give these slippers to The Emperor!
Jadzia : Wouldn't it feel good to Kahless?
(Back at the station)
Worf : My brother had committed suicide. We treated his death with a great sense of aw.
(All gathered before Kurn's body)
All : (Tsking) Awwwwwwwww......
Worf : Gul Dukat's half-Bajoran daughter Ziyal, whose brief appearances were too silly to parody here, led the invocation.
(Apologies to Seema :)
Ziyal : To Everything, Kurn, Kurn, Kurn, Kurn, Kurn.
(Kurn appears as a ghastly specter; Kills her)
Sisko : Was--that a ya know, Candyman, reference?
Bashir : No, I think it was a 'Turtles' reference.
Garak : Well, you know she'd rather been with me.
Kira : She was with you. And half the sentients on this station, depending upon whose fic you read.
Jake : Ah, that's typical with short-timers. They do the same thing to Doug Ramsey in the X-fics.
Nog : Like Colossus wouldn't pound him for bopping Kitty or Illyana.
Miles : Feel very, very sad if you understand all those references, folks. Very Sad.
Worf : Doctor Bashir then pronounced 'cause of death.
(Bashir zips up body; Tosses her out of airlock; Spits)
Bashir : Yes---its 'cause of death. Its always because of death.
Worf : Then, my son returned.
(Teenaged Alex waves; Is shot down in crossfire)
Worf : That young man who was my son but who looked so little like him is dead!
Bashir : What's more---both Sloane and Eddington were the ones firing, and they were killed as well!
Keiko : Boy, isn't it great how quickly we're getting the sidebar deaths out of the way?
Jadzia (sulking) : No! And besides, Alexander didn't even die in the series.
Keiko: OH, Please! Even *I* made more appearances than him, and he had Family Ties fic plus the Marrissaverse going for him!
Sisko : But then, the war....
Worf : But then, the war....
Sisko : (Looks at Worf annoyed) ...began to spiral out of....
Worf : ...began to spiral out of.....
Sisko : What the helllll are you doing?\
Worf : (Shrugs) Narrating.
Sisko : I'M The Narrator!
Worf : But I thought since ya know, this one is called The Winds Of Worf....
Sisko : Well, you thought wrong.
Worf : (Stalks off) Rasenfrassenschmassen..
Nog : Sir, are we gonna build a phony DS9 and everything, like in the movie?
Sisko : Not ambitious enough, Lieutanant...
(Nog slips him 10 bars of latinum)
Sisko : ...Lieutanant Commander Nog. Instead, we plan to build a dummy Alpha Quadrant! Complete with a phony history.
Jake : Thus explaining 'Enterprise'.
(We see the JemHadar and Cardassian troops wandering through the phony AQ)
Weyoun : Damar--how is it that our forces took only one month to conquer all this territory?
(Damar pushes over cardboard Sisko and Picard)
Damar : Weyoun, these people are all dummies!
Weyoun : You know, Damar, its remarks like that which help start revolts.
(Pushes over cardboard Vic Fontaine)
Damar : What about him?
Weyoun : Duhhhh!! He's--a hologram!
(Weyoun walks off; Damar takes a swig; Looks at audience)
Damar : And you people honestly wonder why I drink so much.
(Dukat is screaming)
Dukat : AAAAAGGHHH!!! My daughter is dead! My daughter is dead!
FFounder : You mean the one you wanted to kill yourself?
(Dukat snaps out of it; Smiles)
Dukat : Oh. Yeah.
(Walks off smiling; FFounder stares)
FFounder : Damar---can I have a hit off that?
First : Now, we will train as though we were actually facing Federation troops.
(Cardies fall down right and left; Jem Hadar fire straight, then into empty air, then recoil and fall themselves)
First : Blessed Founder--Our troops are the Cretans at Sparta.
FFounder : Weyoun, we must hire mercenaries.
Take this down.(Weyoun fumbles for a PADD)
FFounder : I want Breens, Greens, Fiends, Plebes, Monsters, Munsters, Muenster Cheese, Limberger Cheese, Rush Limberger Cheese, Mister Jinx, Dick Dastardly, Decepticons, Politicans, Musicians, Skeletor, Mumm-Ra, Megalon, Gigan, Trigon, The Villains From The Bionic Six, Cobra, Kobra, Darkseid, Darksiders, Docksiders, Doc Doom, Doc Ock, Legion of Doom-super and wrestling--Saiyens, Saiyajins, Sailor Scouts, ugly louts, Trekkies, Trekkers, Trekkors, B5 fans, people who actually liked Amanda in HL:The Raven, Borg, Bjorn Borg, Ille Nastase, John McEnroe, the Ewings, the Carringtons, the Bradys, The Partridges, the Spanish Inquisition from Python, the Mcfarlane Villains, Spanky McFarlane, the mostly unseen ex-spouses from Judd Hirsch's 'Dear John', Willow after the February sweeps, the psycho-woman from those three eps of 'Wings', AND THE ENTIRE SUPPORTING CAST OF SEINFELD!!!!!
Weyoun : Greens....
(Sisko and Worf hide in the background)
Sisko : Its worse than we feared.
Worf : Sir--Elaine's boss is disembarking, along with the original Chris Partridge.
Sisko : Mister Worf--I see our opening.
(Sisko and Worf look around)
Sisko : Worf, find a couple of Ku Klux Klansmen. We'll take their robes and use them as a disguise.
Worf : Impossible, sir. This is the 24th Century. All race hatred among humans is a thing of centuries past.
(On the next set, TOS is filming)
Lincoln : (Sees Uhura) Ah, the charming Negress.
(Uhura pulls back her fist and belts him through the skylight)
Uhura : Care for a follow-up, Mister President? (She looks at Surak)
Surak : Pleaaase don't hurt meeee!!!!
(Back to DS9)
Sisko : Oh, gee. Another joke where a mousy woman punches out a great big man.
Worf : It was funny when Loretta Swit did it. But nowadays, even Calista Flockhart thinks she's Buffy! I mean, Jadzia can punch, but its all about delivery, not--
(Sisko glares)
Sisko : Well, if Rodenberry's rules say we can't use ancient racists, we'll just have to go--even more ancient!
(In the line are Helms/Clinton spinmeister Dick Morris, assorted Gamera villains, the Stunt Scabs from Hal Needham's cartoon, Bebop and Rocksteady from TMNT, The guys who arrange the Toys R Us, Target and Wal-Mart Star Wars exclusives we can never find, Mandark, Mojo Jojo, half-burned Terminators, Dean Jones and Ken Berry, a group of Ferengi all played by Shimerman and Grodenchik, Adam 'They Didn't Even Ask Me' West, and at the head of the line is Hannibal Lecter)
FFounder : Crimes?
Lecter : Eating red meat with a sparkling musketel.
FFounder : How gauche. What have you got in that bag?
Lecter : One of the Ferengi was dessicated. I bought him up for a light snack.
FFounder : And did you bring enough for everyone?
Lecter : Well-noo. I'm not what you call a sharer.
(She morphs into Ghidorah; Eats him whole; Morphs back)
FFounder : Next!
(Worf peers out)
Worf : Wow, she's really strict.
(Sisko and Worf emerge in Bronze Age Armor and headgear)
FFounder : Crimes?
Sisko : I am Kronos, and this is Silas. We are the Four Horsemen, as seen on Highlander. No band of men has ever been more cruel or more feared.
FFounder : Where are the other two?
(Sisko's eyes dart about; Worf gulps and answers)
Worf : Lecter ate them!
Sisko : He was feeling a mite peckish.
FFounder : Well, what crimes have you comitted lately?
Worf : We wrote an original sci-fi character into an existing universe.
FFounder : That's not much of a crime.
Sisko : His name was--JAR JAR BINKS!!!!
(All the assembled villains scream in terror)
FFounder : Oooh Ick! All right, you're in.
(She drops her pen)
Sisko : Oh, let me get that for you.
(All the villains glare)
Worf : Sir--villains DON'T get people's pens for them!
(Sisko removes his armor; Looks around sheepishly)
Sisko : Now, for my next imitation--Barry Allen!!
(They run off)
Worf : Captain, we can stand and die as warriors, or cry out for help like two stereotypes from an early 20th century minstrel show.
(They shake hands; They ball their hands into fists, and look down the mountain path; They see the villains coming)
Both : Hep USSSS!! Oh, Lawdy! Heppp USS!!!
(Defiant beams them up;The villains fail to stop in time; They do a Wile E-type feel with their feet at the empty air,then fall)
(Aboard Defiant)
Dax : Behaving like stereotypes!
Kira : Aren't you ashamed?
(They giggle like Wilma&Betty)
Bashir : I say, old beans. Bad sport, that stereotype business.
O'Brien : Luckily, I was already stereotyped, back in BS3.
------------------------------------------
(Jake and Nog are aboard the Valiant, run by cadets)
Watters : Now, the Dominion mega-ship has weaknesses. Here, it has an unshielded thermal exhaust port. Up here, it has an unshielded phaser bank. On this side, it has an unshielded torpedo bank. And finally, it has an unshielded shield generator. Any questions?
Jake : Does this thing have any shields at all? It sounds almost like a Voyager-Class.
Watters : Nog, get this fuc -- (stops, sees a little girl among the cadets) get this stinky traitor out of my sight! His kind just want to chop the bal---(sees little girl again) balloons out of the Federation Day Parade! Sisko, I hope you burn in H--(Sees her again) --Hawaii!
(Looks at his fascist flunkey)
Watters : Why is she even on board? I told Mom I couldn't sit tonight!
Nog : Jake, either we could have a pointless argument that makes me look like a fool, you look like a dupe, and is blatantly derivative of both Wes Crusher's fall from grace and the Bashir/O'Brien argument from that Kitrocel White Cure ep, or....
Jake : ....or we could kick some ass!!
(Watters is covering his little sister's ears)
Watters : You're welcome to try!
(Jake and Nog rise up, Matrix-like)
(They spin and spin until all but one fall down from dizziness)
Little Sister : You guys are cool! Not like my asshole big brother! What a fascist dickhead!
Nog : She was also the little girl in 'Me, Myself, and Irene', folks.
Jake : BTW, Jim Carrey? My DAD does a better Shatner than you. Nyaahhh!!!
--------------------------------------------
(Back at DS9)
Sisko : How stands our war with the Dominion?
O'Brien : We took back Betazed.
Sisko : How'd that happen?
-----------------------------------
BETAZED
(Weyoun, with tears in his eyes, pleads before Lxwana Troi)
Weyoun : Madam, Please! Its NOT Mister Weyfouni!
-------------------------------------------
Sisko : What else?
Bashir : We stole all their Kitrocel White. Now, the Jem'Hadar will be in bad shape.
------------------------------------------
GAMMA QUADRANT
First : (on the phone) Yes, I said 10,000 pizzas, 6000 orders of cheesy bread, and all the buffalo wings you can muster. We have MAJOR munchies going on, here.
--------------------------------------
Kira : We've eliminated all their capital ships, all their weapons depots, and have spies watching their every move.
-----------------------------------------
(In Dominion space, a suspicious looking Vorta moves about)
FFounder : Say, are you really a Vorta?
Insp. Clouseau : I am indeed, Sacre' Founderette! Now, I am seeking a mad Federachion Boomer!
(Falls off a cliff)
FFounder : That line of Vorta sure is clumsy.
-------------------------------------------
Odo : We've made contact with Damar, whose thinking of defecting. We gave him a little incentive.
------------------------------------------
Damar : (Opens package) Peppermint Schnaps? The label says--'So Good, It Got Me To Do The Fan Dance Scene In Star Trek Five--Nichelle Nichols' Hmmmm....
(Five hours later)
Damar : Dose Feddy guys is my very bestets buddie-pallies there ever was!
------------------------------------------
Dax : We banished Dukat to a hellish series of Crossover Fics.
MST3K Gang : (From the brig) There's another kind?
-------------------------------------------
(Dukat sees Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer)
Rud : You shouldn't say those kinds of things about Santa, Mister! He loves me.
Voice : No, Rudolph. He merely uses you, as humans use our kind--when they are not killing us for being freaks in their eyes!
Rud : Who are you?
(Dukat gasps as a man in red armor floats down)
Mag : I am Erik Magnus Lehnsehr. But men call me--Magneto!!!
(Magneto spins)
Mag : I'm Mister Magnetism--I'm Mister War; I'm Mister Mutant Rulership--I'm Mister No CoExist---They Call Me Magneto, Whatever I touch---
(Dukat runs off)
Dukat : I have to get away! Nooo!
(Sees two very different teenaged girls)
Sailor Moon : But you have to wear this kind of skirt at our school!
Daria Morgendorfer : Forget it. I am not wearing a skirt that provides more access than I will likely allow to the boy I have my first time with.
(Dukat begins to panic; Sees a spaceship)
Dukat : I'm saved!
(The spaceship crushes a house beneath it)
Spike : Hey, we crashed The Bebop into another house. There goes the last of the bounty.
(The Bebop flies off)
Dukat : No, come back!!
(Ray Barone of 'Everybody Loves Raymond' comes out from across the street)
Ray : Hey. Were my parents in there?
Dukat : I'm afraid they were. I saw them die.
Ray : (Smiles; Shouts back to his home) Debbie, honey? Guesssss What?
Dukat : Could it get any worse?
(Ghidorah flies overhead with a dog in his mouth)
Courage : This shouldn't happen to a Dukat!
-------------------------------------------
Sisko : Then--we've all but won.
O'Brien : Fraid not, sir. The Federation is six months from total defeat.
Sisko : Damn, I knew it! Well, we'll just have to pull things out somehow next time, in our grand finale---
BLAZING STARSHIPS 6! - CLEAN UP WHAT YOU LEFT BEHIND!!!
Kira : I'm looking forward to it.
Jadzia : I'm not.
Quark : (Bursts in) Is there any time for another episode of 'Those Wacky Ferengi'?
THE END...FOR NOW
Quark : I'll take that as a 'No'.