(The pounding at the airlock from BS3 continues)Sisko: Everyone! Assume disaster positions!
(All crew and civilians spread themselves out, writhing in agony)
Sisko: Schmucks.
(Finally, the airlock bursts--but it isn't Worf)
IR Baboon: WHERE FORE AM WEA-SEL?!!
Red Guy: Oooh, I am Gul Pantsless!
Sisko: This station is not falling into the hands of Cartoon Network---FIRE AT WILL!!
(Riker walks up, slaps Sisko)
Riker: You do and I'll give you such a pinch!
(Baboon and The Red Guy are done away with)
Kira: So, Once Again, The Day Is Saved, Thanks To--The Emissary!
Jake: Daaaad!! Me and Nog have a problem.
Sisko: What is it, Slac--er, son?
Nog: This Wadi guy, see? He played this game, and my Uncle Quark cheated, and then he trapped us in the game, and it really bummed us out.
Sisko: Wadi--is this true?
Wadi: All a game, Commander. You've been to Paris, you've been to Rome. Now, move along, move along, move along home!
Sisko: (Smiles) I see.
(Turns to O'Brien and Odo)
Sisko: Gentlemen--move Wadi's face along into an available bulkhead---about twelve times.
(We see Wadi pleading as they do just that)
Sisko: Its all in the game.
----------------------------------------
Sisko: When The Siege Hit Us, Things Got Hard, Fast.
Garak: Threads! I Have Threads For Sale! Technically, you're not naked if you have threads!
Quark: Voles! I have nice fresh voles for sale! Make Vole Juice--Vole Burgers--and The Ever-Popular—Vole Parmiagiano.
Berman: Integrity! I have a show's integrity for sale! Integrity---sorry, all sold out.
Kira: I'd bet good money that Kai Winn is behind all this.
Quark: Ok, that's one bet on The Kai, at 2-1! Now, we are no longer taking bets on Gul Dukat---but we are taking 50-1 on Q!
Rom: Wait a minute---how did we get Kai Winn back? I thought Keiko, er---
Keiko: (Holding a bottle of Ex-Lax) I'd really rather not discuss it!
Sisko: People, people--we can get through this, if we just stick together!
Jake: Dad--we're out of Scoop-Size Corn Chips!
Sisko: No! My Chili is useless without those Corn Chips!
(Crumples into a ball)
Sisko: We're Doooomedd!!!!
(Bashir studies Sisko's depression)
Bashir: Well, he's deep into it. But my Mother, Amsha, once showed me a technique for dealing with this.
Dax: You mean, a technique from the Indian Subcontinent?
Bashir: No, a technique from Brooklyn, New York. Amsha studied under Ida Morgenstern.
(Bashir centers himself, breathes in, his face shifts)
Bashir: (Sounding a bit like Nancy Walker) Ben, Ben---why are you lying around like a lump of old laundry?
Sisko: Doctor, I....
Bashir: Shuddup! Yer still a Commander--why haven't you made Captain yet?
Sisko: (Kind of sheepish) I--I just don't like playing the political games...
Bashir: Oh, so making yourself better is all about politics---I see. Y'know, I get letters from McCoy, Crusher--The HoloGuy---all their CO's made Captain. Why do I have to hem and haw?
Sisko: You know I want to make you proud of me---I'll try harder, I promise!
Bashir: Benjamin--promises I got up my tuckus! I need results. Why didn't you ever marry that nice Shelby-woman?
Sisko: It-It just didn't work out. She mocked on my cooking.
Bashir: YOUR cooking? I taught you how to cook! You are not to see her again!
Sisko: Now, wait a minute, Doctor! I am almost 40 years old, and I will not have my CMO telling me who I can and cannot date!
Bashir: (Sniffles) You see, Jadzia? He raises his voice to his CMO---feh! Get out of here, you ungrateful wretch! I spit on you!
Sisko: Doctor--I have to go to work. I have no more time for your guilt trips.
(Walks out of Sickbay)
Bashir: (Yells after him) So, go! Who's stopping you? Gwan, you ungrateful bum! Sixteen Hours, Benjamin! That's how long I spent filling out the forms to become your CMO! And you thank me by walking out? FINE! I have other officers who'll be grateful for their CMO's help!
Miles : Wow, he's really into it.
Bashir: Miles--so why do you and Keiko only have the one babushka? Any problems in the downstairs, you should tell me about?
Jadzia: Julian, stop it--you're going meshugine!
Bashir: Says the little lady who doesn't want to marry a Doctor. What, you holding out for an Admiral? Cause your looks sure aren't, lemme tell ya.
Miles: Oooh, that's low.
Jadzia: Only one chance. Its a revival technique that Spock taught Curzon.
(Folds her hands together, as though in prayer, then slaps Julian hard across the face)
Jadzia: SNAP OUT OF IT!!
Bashir: (Awakens) Oh, my. How far gone was I?
Miles: (Eating chicken soup) Well, the matzoes aren't the best I've had, but the broth is a good stock.
Bashir: The secret is the pepper. Don't buy that cheap stuff on the promenade. Now, there's this shop in Shikahr Province.....
--------------------------------------
Sisko: Having regained my confidence, I bought Julian a Mother's Day gift and confronted the mastermind behind The Siege.
Circle-Leader: I am The Villian, as played by Frank Langella.
Sisko: Your movement is xenophobic and paranoid!
CL: (Nonchalantly) Sticks and stones.
Sisko: Your movement is violent and repressive.
CL: Omellettes and Eggs.
Sisko: Your movement is supported by Cardassians.
CL: Politics and Bedfellows.
Sisko: Your movement was panned by Daily Variety!
(HEADLINE READS: BAJOR CIRCS TURKS MERCS LURKS JERKS)
CL: (Cries Out) NOOO!!! Not a bad review! The Circle is broken!
(He leaves)
Kai Winn: You may have won this round, Sisko--but I'll be sticking around---
(She sees Keiko sharpening a steak knife, smiling.)
Keiko: I'm a hungry fighter!
(The Kai leaves, creating a cartoonish doorway shaped like herself in the outer hull)
Sisko: Well, all's well that ends well.
(As they all walk off laughing, people are sucked out through the hole created by Kai Winn's passage)
--------------------------------------------
BABEL ON, BUT TAKE FIVE
Bashir: Captain, we're all losing our ability to speak coherently, due to this virus.
Sisko: Then we'll have to have a ---
SILENT EPISODE!!!!
(Sisko points; They all see Gul Dukat)
(The chase begins; They all bump into each other)
(An angry Kira grabs a fire hose, and turns it on Dukat; He slips about, but makes for Quark's)
(Quark's, of course, is having a special on Chocolate Cream Pies; Dukat throws the first one; Sisko ducks, and it hits Miles; Keiko laughs until Miles gets her with one; Quark shrugs, wondering who's going to pay for all this)
(A team of Odo's Constables wanders in, all wearing large Bobby-hats, wielding nightsticks)
(Dukat confidently picks up a pie, but a fist comes out of it and knocks him cold The pie was Odo, of course)
Sisko:
Sisko:
Sisko:
Sisko: (Holds up chalkboard that says ; "END SILENT EPISODE")
O'Brien:
O'Brien: Chalkboard: When, sir?
Sisko: Chalkboard: NOW!!!
O'Brien: Chalkboard: Grouch.
------------------------------------------------
REALLY, REALLY WRONG WRONGS THAT ARE DARK, BAD, AND NOT SO GOOD, EITHER
News Announcer: Despite their claims that Bajor is their homeworld, too, the useless Kryptonians were sent away, as they could be only a drain on superior Bajorans. In other news, Doctor Bashir and Mister O'Brien beat the living crap out of those races that tried to kill them for knowing about their weapons and then imprisoned them with holo-geeks.
Dukat: (In the brig) The Sports Scores!! Get To The Sports Scores!!!
Kira: Enjoying yourself, Dukat?
Dukat: Yes, Major. I just saw the legendary episode of 'Itchy And Scratchy' where Itchy actually won.
Kira: (Angry) You're lying! That episode doesn't exist. Now, you said you had something to tell me.
Dukat: Yes, I did.
(Puts On Vader Helmet)
Dukat: Kira Nerys--I Am Your Father!!
Kira: Daddy?
Dukat: (Removes helmet) Yes, my dear. When I conquered your mother's hometown, I knew I had to enslave her.
Kira: Oh, that's so romantic--like me and Odo, only twisted by evil and darkness.
Dukat: Kira, aren't you happy to be my daughter?
Kira: But Dadddyyy--what about all the rotten things you did to Bajor?
Dukat: Rotten things? What rotten things?
---------------------------------------------
OCCUPIED BAJOR
Damar: Gul Dukat--the Resistance is growing in strength--The Bajorans are revolting!
Dukat: Ya know, Damar, its insults like that that help the Resistance out.
Damar: But sir--they hate you most of all.
Dukat: Me? But--I am their viceroy--I Love Them! Pull!!
(Inside a giant pinball machine are Bajorans trapped in giant glass pinballs)
-----------------------------------------------
Dukat: (To Kira) Oh, I'll admit there were some instances of minor overzealousness on my part. OK--I'll concede that the annual Bajoran Roast was a bit much--but you all simply taste so good with A1 and Worcste--tesest-tesist-ire Sauce.
Kira: Do I have any relatives? Will they even want to meet me?
Dukat: Do you? Would they?
(Starts to sing)
Shaaake hands with your Uncle Jonith, Me Girl, And There Is Your Sister Kaat--and there's the boy you used to swing down by the garden gate--shake hands with all your neighbors--I do believe its time--you were welcomed to your homeworld—Ye Olde Cardassia Prime!
(While Kira is doing a suspiciously Irish looking jig, Dukat escapes. Feeling foolish, Kira is alone)
Kira: Well, at least I know I'm not really half-Cardassian----
(Smiles a wicked smile)
Kira: After all, if I were---that would interfere with my master plan!! A-hahhaha!! Nooo--I'm not Cardassian at all.
O'Brien: Ops to Kira---there's some old Bajorans won't move off the moons.
Kira: Well, then, blow them up! Nope, no Cardassian blood in this girl.
------------------------------------------------
THE ASSIGNED VISIONARY
Keiko: Little does Chief O'Brien realize that I have secretly replaced the fine loving wife he usually comes home to with a Pagh Wraith!
(Then, 15 Miles O'Briens enter)
Miles 1: Hey, Keiko? Listen, honey--all my bouncing temporal counterparts followed me home--please be nice to them, Ok?
(Behind The Doors)
Keiko's Voice: What--I--I--what is that--what are you--Oh-Oh-Oh--Sweet Mystery Of Life, At Last I've Found You!!
PAGH WRAITH REALM
PW1: You have failed us. Why?
PW2: Exhaustion. Sheer Exhaustion.
PW3: Damn Your Soul!!!!
PW2: Too late.
----------------------------------------------
MERIDIAN'S CHILDREN OF SHADOWPLAY DESTINY
Vedek Yarka: Captain Sisko--you must avoid travelling to the holographic village on the disappearing planet that will never exist unless you stay there forever, starting yesterday. The Prophets have declared that something bad might never happen, upsetting the balance of--can I start again?
Dax: Benjamin, we owe it to all the holographic descendants we will never have on the disappearing planet to travel there, even if The Prophets only gave it two stars for lousy service.
Bashir: We need to move quickly, sir, if we're to save the people in the holographic village on the disappearing planet that will never exist and never has, except for our non-interference directive.
Jake: Dad, if I go out with a holographic half-sister who might never exist on a planet that's going to disappear anyway, is it really incest?
Miles: I owe it to the ridiculously cute little Irish girls named Molly on the holographic planet with the disappearing village to get their Christmas presents to them before their grandchildren are born.
Cardassian Scientist: We would very much like to study the disappearing planet with the holographic village that will probably never exist. But we suspect that The Obsidian Order won't follow us there, just to keep us on our toes.
Kira: We're all too late. The disappearing planet with the holographic village has disappeared and now never existed at all, which means we never had this conversation.
Odo: We should have acted harder to save that non-existent place which we can now no longer remember and which will now always live on in our memories.
Vedek Yarka: It is as the Prophets meant it to be. We of Bajor were wrong not to take in the people from the holographic village on the disappearing planet that never existed but once did.
Quark: They would have been an ideal market--I'd always at least break even. Good people, those folks from the holographic village in the past on the disappearing planet that never materializes.
Village Creator: They were my people, before they de-rezzed, disappeared and entered a chronal limbo.
(They all walk out, but Sisko just sits there, brooding)
Sisko: Computer, delete all entries about the holographic village on the disappearing planet that never existed.
Computer: Query: What In The Hell Are You Talking About?
(Lxwana comes out from behind Computer Curtain)
Lx: I quit!
(A Vole is drinking Kanar in the background; Throws away bottle)
Vole: I quit, too!!
----------------------------------------------
Sisko narrates: Things got really rough aboard the station. There was that time we were all forced to replay this mission from another quadrant that ended in complete disaster.
--------------------------------------------
VOYAGERITIS PERSONAE
Sisko: Do you want to all end up in The Brig?
Kira: There's an old story among my people....
O'Brien: Listen, I can do just fine without Data's nattering input--we should never have taken him aboard!
Dax: Just wait til you all see what I've cooked up, from something I found growing in Quark's.
Bashir: I fail to see the humor in this untoward situation, and just when will I be deactivated?
Sisko: Take this station straight into that wormhole!
--------------------------------------
Sisko: Luckily, the crew mutinied as expected, ending the simulation. Then, there was the time that Odo was wrongfully convicted of murder.
--------------------------------------------
A MAN ALONE, AT THE TONE
Eddington: The murderer Odo has escaped, but I'll find him.
Odo: (Wearing Groucho Glasses and moustache) Nope, no one by that name here. I'm O'Donnell.
O'Brien: Yeah, and he's one of us, Eddington. In the two days he's worked here, we've accepted him!
(At Quark's the proprietor shakes his head)
Quark: Nope, haven't seen the Constable. Have you, Odom?
Odo: (Turns around with big ears, voice imitative of Rom's) Uhhh, No, Cousin!
Quark: Odom may be an idiot, but in the five hours he's worked here, we've come to accept him as one of our own.
Quark: (Turns to camera) Did they really pad this out for five years on 'The Fugitive'?
(Eddington scours a lineup)
E: Which one of you is Odo?
Bill Bixby: Not me, officer!
E: Oh, yeah? Guys--take this jamoak and beat the crap out of him!
(Backstage, constables are torn to pieces by the Hulk)
E: Are you Odo?
Robert Jannsen: No, sir!
E: Gwan, get lost--but you'll be stuck doing menial jobs with little documentation! How about you? Are you Odo?
Kirk: (Gumped in from Trials and Tribbelations) It wasn't me.
E: What about you?
Harrison Ford: Nope. I'm just an actor. I'm looking for a good part.
E: Oh, are you? Well, just for being uncooperative--there's a former art student directing this film he calls a Sci-Fi Fairy Tale--you'll be stuck playing the dashing hero!
HF: Its not 'Behold, The Ancient Destroyer!' ---is it?
E: Do I look that cruel?!
(Inside Sisko's office)
Sisko: Mister Eddington--I'd like you to meet Trill Ambassador Odan.
E: (Leaps at Odan, starts tearing off her clothes) OH, NO YOU DON'T, ODO! You're NOT fooling me again.
(Eddington is dragged off while a shocky Odan is sedated)
Sisko: (To Odo) Constable, didn't you inform Eddington that you'd been cleared of the charges of murder?
Odo: Well, yes I did, sir. But I sent it to him via my Deja News E-Mail.
Kira: (Holds up her hand) Great going, Odo! The Dominion will be part of The Federation before he gets it.
(They all laugh and freeze as the credits roll)
-------------------------------------------
Sisko: But ultimately, the time came when all old business had to be settled--once and for all.
-------------------------------------------
O'Brien: Captain--you agreed to play Godfather at my son's baptism?
Sisko: Ah, yes. Mister Garak, Doctor Bashir--go and make those alterations I mentioned.
Bashir: Our pleasure, Don Sisko.
Garak: As you say, Don Sisko.
(Vedek Yarka raises his hands)
VY: Who stands for this child, to show it the one true way?
Sisko: I do.
----------------------------------------------------
(Kai Winn sees message taped to her mirror)
KW: Say hello to Opaka and Bariel?
(Bathroom blows up)
--------------------------------------------
Yarka: Will you show him right from wrong?
Sisko: I will.
-----------------------------------------
(Bashir is having dinner in a restaurant with the mother and son cult-leaders from 'Paradise')
Mother: Doctor Bashir--what do you think of our anti-technology message?
Bashir: I'll tell you after I use the refresher.
(Goes in, finds a phaser inside an old hand-dryer)
Son: All refreshed? Now, what do you think about the evils of technology?
(Bashir pulls the phaser, shoots them both twice)
Bashir: I'm for it!
-------------------------------------------
Yarka: Will you keep this child away from the Path Of The Pagh Wraiths?
Sisko: Absolutely.
--------------------------------------------
Garak: Quark, Captain Sisko purchased this runabout to help you make a quick getaway. Would he spend all those credits just to blow it up?
Quark: Thanks, Garak.
(He sits in front. Sees Morn behind him)
Morn: Hello, Quark.
(Morn garrotes him)
-----------------------------------------
Yarka: Will you help this boy to prevail over darkness?
Sisko: Yah, sure, yew betcha.
---------------------------------------------
(Nog and Rom are in a fishing boat)
Rom: Nog--you did tell Captain Sisko that I will pay him back for what I took?
Nog: Already paid in full, Father.
(Pan back, a gunshot is heard)
----------------------------------------------
(At the O'Briens)
Sisko: Keiko--Miles! All these lovely bar stools and tables. Wherever did you get them?
Keiko: (Smiles nervously) Oh, here and there.
---------------------------------------------
USS ENTERPRISE-D
(The crew looks out at a stripped-bare Ten Forward)
Picard: Guinan--why is there no place to sit?
Riker: I say--we hit DS9!
Data: I shall ready the specialized instruments by which we will castrate the subjects, and then place said objects in an oral position.
--------------------------------------------
(Gul Dukat is driving a 1948 Packard)
Dukat: There's a sharp curve--but luckily I just had the brakes replaaaaacced!!!!
(Car goes over a cliff, Dukat has last thought)
Dukat: I don't own a 1948 Packard. Where's my Tucker Torpedo?
----------------------------------------------
(At The O'Briens, Sisko recieves Gowron as a visitor)
Gowron: Good work, Don Sisko.
Sisko: Thanks, Gowron. Now, let's cut those Romulan and Dominion bums of the deal entirely.
Gowron: We shall become the sole exporters of Reruns for all four series!
Sisko: We'll sell them to the B5 fans. They're animals, anyway!
Kira: Prophets, but this is a depressing ending.
Sisko: Yes, Major--but it gets better in --
BLAZING STARSHIPS 5 ---- THE WAY OF THE WEASEL!!!
(Coming in two months)
Nog: (Walks up to Sisko; Pulls something out; Stabs at him with it)
HERE'S YOUR INVENTORY!! HERE'S YOUR INVENTORY! HERE'S YOUR INVENTORY!!
Sisko: A big hand, folks, for Aron Eisenberg as Nog, doing his takeoff of the 'Psycho' takeoff scene from 'High Anxiety'
(Fade out)