(Sisko interviews prospective crew)Sisko: Tell Me, Mister Eddington. What religion are you?
Eddington: My family worships the Roman God Janus. Duality.
Sisko: Favorite Batman Villain?
Eddington: Harvey Dent.
Sisko: Favorite New York Baseball Team?
Eddington: The Meytankees, of course.
Sisko: Any ancestors in the military?
Eddington: Why, yes. Both Lee and Grant.
Sisko: Favorite TOS villains?
Eddington: Bele, Lokai, Lazarus, and The Salt Vampire.
Sisko: Favorite Novels?
Eddington: Les Miserables and The Strange Case Of Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde.
Sisko: Good...We'll Talk Later.
(Aside To Odo)
Sisko: Introduce him to the fabulous Airlock Deck.
(O'Brien and Keiko walk in)
Keiko: I vedy pleased to meeting Commander-Person!
O'Brien: Suren Begora, I'll get meself blasted on the Pylons, nmaybe then be givin ya some work, should the notion strike me besotted brain!
Sisko: (Stands Up In Horror) My God, They've Been Stereotyped! There's Only One Solution----An anachronistic 20th Century Song!
Sisko: Sing, Sing A Song---Let The World Sing Along---Sing Of Good Things--Not Bad--Sing Of Happy, Not Sad,
(Karen Carpenter's Voice Comes Out Of The Wormhole)
KC: Don't Worry That It's Not Good Enough; For Anyone Else To Hear; Just Sing; Sing A Song!
Sisko: You tell me, folks--Cleavon Little got Sir Duke--I get the Carpenters.
(O'Briens snap out of it)
O'Brien: Damn that Dukat! I haven't been that stereotyped since 'Under Siege'.
Keiko: Oh, quit your whining, Colm! When it comes to PC terror, The Celtic Societies have Nothing on the Asian ones. They still haven't forgiven me for Soon-Lee.
Sisko: All right, people, get in character--Yesterday!
Robert Urich: Hawk, man, we need you!
Sisko: I hear Burt Reynolds needs a stand-in.
(RU runs off)
Sisko: Okay, people--names?
K: Keiko Ishikawa O'Brien.
M: Seamus Edward O'Brien.
Sisko: But I thought your name was Miles.
K: (Smiling) Nope. Miles is a nickname I gave him after our honeymoon.
(Hearing this, Bashir and Garak start over towards them)
K: (Whips out a phaser rifle) Get back! We're closing down that little series of fics here and now!
(G+B back off)
M: I was a madman til her stabilizing influence entered my life.
Sisko: Uh---huh. Ok. Chief, you're for Engineering---and Keiko, you'll be spoken of a lot but not seen terribly often.
K: As long as I'm worked in just enough, like Barbara Barrie was on 'Barney Miller'.
M: Why didn't they ever arrest the Sweathogs? That would have been a natural.
K: Well, did you ever notice that on 'Sanford And Son' you almost NEVER saw Bubba and Grady in the same episode?
Sisko: Unimportant Trivia, people. Now get to your duties. Keiko, you're due to be harassed by The Kai at 3.
K: Then I better teach those kids some evolution, on the double! (Leaves)
M: Sir, my sidearm?
Sisko: Oh. Well, here's one for you. (Gives him Phaser)
M: (Appears in red uniform) How about me sir?
Sisko: Oh, yeah. One for you.
M: (In grey uniform) And me, sir?
S: One for you.
M: (Dressed as Keiko) And me, sir?
S: One for you.
M: (Leaves with fifteen phasers) Thanks, Sir. Youse is real generous.
Sisko: (Shakes his head) Silly, Stupid Obsession with 20th Century Trivia!
(Looks around nervously)
S: Computer, Call Up The Investigation On Chuck Cunningham. Long Past Time we found that man!
(Enter Bashir)
Bashir: Sir, I'm your new CMO, and I am absolutely positively NOT a genetic accelerate!
S: I see. Doctor--have you been genetically accelerated?
B: No, sir. My genes have never been pulled up!
S: Thanks for sharing. Mister Bashir, have you ever had your DNA altered?
B: No, Sir. My Acid Has Never Been Dropped!
S: (Wearing little sunglasses)Faaarr out, Man! But tell me--have you been evolved artificially?
B: No, Sir! And If You Met My Father, you would never ask such a question.
Sisko: Well, I suppose that's it, then.
B: Sir, what is that antique on your desk?
S: Why, its a 20th Century Video Cassette Recorder. Pre-VCR plus Model. Go and play with it if you like. I'll finalize this paperwork.
B: (Fiddles with it) Hey, this timer and advanced recording mechanism is quite simple to set. Its no longer flashing '12:00'
Sisko: (Stands Up) A---HA! I KNEW IT! You ARE a genetic accelerate!
B: (Slaps himself in the head) Doh! I can't believe I fell for The VCR Test!
Sisko: (Smiles) Ahh, Go To Sickbay, Ya Big Lug! We'll let it go. Gwannn!!!
Bashir: Awww....Capn! You are the best CO DS9 ever had!
(Garak and Quark walk in)
Sisko: In short, gentlemen--your task is simple. Play off humanity's dark corners as aliens, so the audience doesn't feel like its being preached to.
Quark: Why would any hu-mon come into my bar for food and drink if you have replicators?
Garak: And you'd think after what Gul Madred did to Picard, Starfleet Intelligence would just find an excuse to arrest and interrogate any Cardassian.
Quark: Yeah. And why did they let him command a Starship again? I mean, he was fatally compromised by The Borg!
Garak: Him? What about Mister 'I Am Possessed' Himself, Data?
Sisko: Gentlemen, that is quite enough! As of right now, I am suspending your Disbelief! Dismissed!
Garak: All well and good, Commander--but there is still one question that cannot be so easily dismissed.
Sisko: And That Is?
Quark: If this is a 'Blazing Saddles' knock-off, then why haven't ANY of the jokes so far been derived from Mel Brooks?
Sisko: My God, You're Right! Cut To The Commissary Scene!
Garak: I thought you were The Commissary.
Sisko: That just earned you General Order Seven, Mister!
--------------------------------------------
THE COMMISSARY SCENE
(Shatner sits down to have his lunch; Beside him is Khan)
WS: How's everything, Ricardo?
RM: Aaah, They Lose Me After The Genesis Scene.
------------------------------------------
(BACK AT DS9)
Sisko: You call that a Brooks Scene? Give Me A REAL Brooks Scene!
(Garak walks in with a suit)
Sisko: MEL Brooks, not Brooks Bros....but leave that here.
-------------------------------------------
GAMMA QUADRANT
Weyoun: Make way for Our Goddess, The Female Founder!
(We see hooded shapeshifters descend)
Weyoun: The Female Founder! Do not Look to her for Mercy! The Female Founder! Do Not Look To Her For Charity! Lets Face It, You Just Founder In A Bad Mood!
(Female Founder takes off her hood)
FF: Let All Races Everywhere Accept Our Supreme Authority Or Face Utter Annihilation! For Now We Inaugurate The Era Of The Dominion!
All: We're The Dominion!
(Female Founder does a backflip, lands on the floor below; Music Starts)
FF: We're The Dominion!
Vorta Chorus: And What's More...
FF: We're The Dominion...
VC: What's In Store?
FF: We Have A Mission To Conquer All The Feds
VC: Fed-fed-fed-fed-fed-Fed!
FF: We're Gonna DeFang....
VC: The Klingons!
FF: We're Gonna OutSmart...
VC: The Romulons!
FF: We'll Make Bajor An Offer It Can't Refuse!
VC: That The Vedeks Just Can't Refuse!
FF: So, listen, Vulcan and Tellar, All You Gorn and Old Andor....I Know You're Wishin' That We'd Discorporate....But The Dominion's here and its here to....
VC: Hey, Blessed Founder...Waddya You Say?
FF: I Just Got Back From The Great Link Bay.
VC: Great Link Bay? What's A Great Link Bay?
FF: An ideal way of life; But I'm Not There This Day!
VC: Hey, Blessed Founder...Come This Way...
VC: We played some games with some DNA...Minds acquiescent....They Hit Like Cars...
Weyoun: We Decided To Call Them The Jem'Hadar!
(The First Comes Out; FF inspects him)
FF: What Say You, First?
First: I like, Really Need A Fix, Maaann!!
FF: I approve!
(Cheers)
(Female Founder gets up and dances)
FF: So look out all you Alpha Quads....We Got Big News For All You Clods....We Know You're Wishin', We'd All Discorporate; But As Of Now The Dominion...Is Your Brand...New...Staaaate! YEAH!
----------------------------------------------BACK AT DS9
Kira: Commander, I Will Never Accept The Federation's Presence Here On Terok Nor! No, Never! Never, Ever, Ever!
Sisko: Please?
Kira: Oh, Alright! By the way, what did the Prophets say to you?
Sisko: They said that Bajor is really, really du---Bajoran!
(Curzon Dax walks in)
CD: Benjamin!
S: Old Man!
CD: I am so glad to see.....Uhhh!! (Dies)
S: Damn! Major, go check my closet.
(Kira opens it; Sign says 'Spare Trill Hosts'; Kira picks one; Sees The Other)
Kira: A Pageboy Haircut? Yuck!
(Jadzia awakens)
JD: Oh, thanks, Benjamin. Boy, I feel like a fool not having my arteries cleaned.
K: What do we do with Curzon's body?
JD: Send him back to Trill; They Have A Recycling Program Now.
Quark: As well they should.
JD: Because 20th Century Earth nearly wiped itself out with pollution.
Jake: But there are ways you can help.
Miles: Things You Can Do.
Rom: A Difference You Can Make In Your Own neighborhood.
Keiko: Write To Your Congressman
Quark: Garbage Is quite profitable.
Odo: Start a compost heap in your backyard, for organic trash
Nog: But don't just sit back
Bashir: Or it will all go to waste
Sisko: What The Hell Are We Doing?
(They all point to a stagehand)
Stagehand: The Lord Rick Berman has proclaimed that all Star Trek Series this week shall show an ecological conscience.
(Sisko punches him out)
Sisko: Piss On You! I'm working for Ira Behr!
------------------------------------------------------
CARDASSIA PRIME
Dukat: Hmmm...I hadn't expected Bajor to accept its Human Emissary. This complicates matters.
Damar: Sir, we could always send in Worf!
Dukat: Hmmm....aside from being a complete violation of all established continuity, that's a brilliant idea, Damar. Lets tell the men.
(They Go Out; Dukat catches a whiff)
Cardassian: Gul Dukat! May We Raid Another Federation Colony? We wish to capture more of This Escarole and Cannelini Bean Soup!
Dukat: (Hand Waves In Front Of His Face) I would say that the supply you've already captured is more than adequate.
Damar: Oh, sure. THIS routine he remembered to put in.
------------------------------------------------------
DS9Kai Winn: These Children Must Be Taught A Moral Code And Religious Lessons So Strict, It Breaks Their Young Spirits And Sends Them Into A Psychotic Frenzy.
Keiko: NO! These children must be given lessons and information so value-neutral, that the total lack of direction breaks their young spirits and sends them into a psychotic frenzy.
Kai Winn: Are You Challenging My Authority?
Keiko: Yes! I, Keiko O'Brien, do hereby challenge you to MORON KOMBAT!!!
(The fight begins; The Kai has the power, but Keiko has the speed)
Miles: C'mon, Keiko!
Dax: Flip Her Like A Pancake!
Jake: Pop Her Like A Cork!
Rom: Fleegle!
Nog: Bingo!
Leeta: Drooper!
Sisko: And Snort!
All: Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la- Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
Kira: (Unenthusiastically) oh, fight, on eminence. don't give up--and stuff.
(After a savage blow; The Kai stands stunned and weary; Keiko smiles)
Sisko: Finish Her!
(Keiko morphs into a dragon; The Kai looks up; Screams; Keiko devours her; Morphs back)
Odo: Showoff!
Keiko: (Wipes her mouth with her elbow) Kai---licious!
Sisko: Flawless Victory. Animality.
Miles: Yes, she is!
(A pounding comes from the airlock)
Kira: Oh, No! Its Worf!
Sisko: Who's Worf?
Odo: Worf is less of a who and more of a what.
(Sisko grabs a large phaser rifle)
Miles: Oh, sir, you mustn't shoot him.
Bashir: Yes, I'm afraid you'll only make him angry.
(Sisko stares fearfully at airlock)
To Be Continued..............At Some Point, In "Blazing Starships 4! - The Search For More Plot Devices"