(When we last left Captain Sisko, he had just successfully taken himself hostage to fend off a crowd of angry but dumb Bajorans; As we resume, we see Jean-Luc Picard, waiting in the office)Picard : Good initiative there, Sisko. I once held myself hostage in two places at once, to forge a treaty.
Sisko : Ah, yes! The Picard Maneuver. Well, do you wish to debrief me?
Picard : No need for that. Besides, the Picard/Sisko category in slash is nearly nonexistent.
Sisko : Ah-huh. Weeeelll, I'll just sit down, then. Do you mind if I shave at my desk?
Picard : Not at all.
(To Picard's horror, Sisko pulls out an overhead mirror and puts shaving cream on the top of his head)
Sisko : How stands The Cardassian Fourth Order?
(As Sisko starts shaving off his hair, Picard recoils)
Picard : Well, they've repositioned themselves...Must You Do That?
Sisko : (Wiping off his now bald pate) Oh, Yes. At least three times a week or it grows in like a mop.
Picard : All that beautiful, lost hair.....You, sir, are unfit for Command!
Sisko : And you, sir, are quite overdramatic!
Picard : Think so, do you?
Sisko : NO, I don't. But he does.
(Points to Shatner in the corner, writing at a word processor)
Shat : Dear Patrick : I had NBC riding me in the 60's, making me a nervous wreck on stage. What the hell is your excuse?
(Picard leaves crying)
Picard : He had hair, and he...he..aaahhh!!!
(Sisko leaves to check security)
Old Woman : Get Out Of My Way, Human!
(Sisko phasers her to death casually)
Sisko : Probably the same bitch who stared at Mary Tyler Moore throwing her hat in the air! Mary had spunk -- I hate spunk.
(In a holding cell is Odo, having attempted one too many shifts)
Sisko : Are We Awake?
Odo : We're not sure--are we Benson?
Sisko (frowns) Best not to bring that up. Some of us are still hurting from that last episode.
Odo : Understood. Well, until I'm up and about, we could play chess. I'd suggest something else, but the Sisko/Odo slash market is next to nonexistent.
Sisko (Goes to get chess board) Who DO I get paired off with in those things?
(Meanwhile, in The Beta Quadrant)
Benson : Where ARE those people? They've already got Clayton and Pete. I'm even getting lonely for Krause!
Governor Gatling : Oh, that would never do. The Benson/Krause slash market.....
(Now, back to The Alfer Quadrant)
Alf : HA! I kill me!
(Sisko pushes the little pest out an airlock)
Sisko : He MEANT AL-PHA Quadrant!
Odo : Won't he die out there?
Sisko : If the Prophets are gracious, yes.
Odo : So how'd an upwardly mobile human like yourself end up here?
S : Its a long story. You see, I had long suspected that the parasites that killed my family had their origins in a creature called The Ancient..........
(Taps the desk)
O : I guess Rob hasn't been getting enough sleep of late. Try again.
(Outside, Ghidorah pecks at window)
O : No, it was a false alarm.
(Creature shrieks)
O : Yes, another one.
(Flies off)
Sisko : As I was saying---after the revelation that I was one of the Four Horsemen, Macleod never did trust me again. To that end, I devised a scheme....
(Taps desk again)
Sisko : For the record, I am not Methos, Peter Kirk, or Hawkeye Pierce. Now may we go on? Thank You. I was at the battle of Wolf 359. I lost my wife to an interdimensional rift. She ended up on a soap opera, as the replacement Kendall once they fired Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Together : GUESS WE'LL NEVER SEE HER IN FUTURE EPISODES!!!
Sisko : I commanded the Sue-Rotaga.
Odo : Don't you mean the Saratoga?
Sisko : No. My crew was composed entirely of young, beautiful wunderkinds.
Odo : Not--- The MARY Sue-Rotaga?
Sisko : The very same. It was a cushy life. I never had to do anything. Most problems got solved before they started. But that day, I lost my entire crew.
(We see a flashback with The Sue-Rotaga darting back and forth between twenty different positions)
Sisko : I was on the outs with Starfleet Command, so we had to form our own battle group. But Wesley knew how to handle it. If he didn't, Naomi did. If they didn't, Pete and Saavik did. Then, there was my own son Jake.
(Flashback)
Young Jake : Gosh, you're a great Dad. I'd show you how much I really love you...
Sisko : But you're embarrassed to?
YJ : No, its just that the Jake/Ben Sisko slash market is next to nonexistent. Hey, Crusher! Correct to 180 on the Borg flank!
WC : Can't, sir. I was saving the Beta Quadrant when those classes were given. I flunked flank!
YJ : Flunked Flank? Get the flunk out of here!
Sisko : What's our position, Mister Kirk?
PK : Our opponent appears to be a large dragon, sir!
(Sisko gets up and slaps the shit out of him)
Naomi : Get a life, Pete!
Saavik : (Belts her through the floor) That's my man, you little Bitch!!!
(The Present)
Sisko : They were the best and brightest of the best and brightest's best and brightest's best and brightest's best and brightest. But My God, were they ever annoying! They were still my crew, though, and their loss cuts at me.
Odo : Killed?
Sisko : No.
Odo : Assimilated?
Sisko : Far worse.
(Flashback - We see Mel Brooks as a Borg)
Brooks : Listen up, you young shmucks! You want to end up like the kids from Different Strokes? Go to College, have something to fall back on in case this Federation thing doesn't go anywhere. Go on, beat it! Oy! They have less of a social life than we do!
(The Present ; We see a shaken Sisko)
Sisko : They were all---matriculated!
Odo : War Is Hell.
To Be Continued.....?