'He rode a Blazing Starship; Four Pips Upon His Collar; When The Quadrant Needed Saving; The Prophets Gave A Holler; He conquered Winn and he beat Dukat; He made the best from the worst; He made his Blazing Series; The Best Loved Since The First; Now, out on the Edge Of The Final Frontier, just before Maquis Badlands; Outlaw Powers did as they pleased; We needed a helping hand; Then from the shipyards rode out the one true man; With character development his aim; He was the kind of man who would take no guff; And Ben was his name; Yes, Ben, was his name; He rode a Blazing Starship; He wore a goatee later on; When the writers would get tired; They'd focus on Quark's cons; He put up with that crazy eco-witch; And built a sailboat for the stars; He ended his Blazing Series; BY GOING TO VIC'S BAR!!!!.........

(A Bajoran Chant)

Now hear of our once peaceful Bajor;
We really had it rather good;
We invented Civilization;
We wrote in temples and in woods;
Then All At Once The Troubles Started;
The Cardies came to stay and sit;
There's No Avoiding This Conclusion;
Our Planet's Turning Into Shit!

Kai Opaka: Now, I read to our congregation from The Prophets' Teachings:
Show Only Love; Get thy Heart to a higher place;
Want Only Knowledge; Get Thy Mind to a purer realm;
Lastly, we hear this:
Dukat has planted a bomb; Get Thy Ass to a shelter.

(Closes Book)

KO: There are, of course, many ways to interpret the Prophets' teachings.

(Bomb goes off; Kai Opaka is killed, but for just a moment she stands there, disheveled and burnt)

KO: There is, of course, the literalist interpretation. (Collapses)

Kira: I say we approach the Prophets and see if we're to join The Federation for protection!

(Winn retreats with Vedek Council)

Winn: This cannot be allowed to happen. The Federation would initiate cutbacks that would cost us all our cushy jobs. Agreed?

Council: Harumph! Harumph! Harumph!

Winn: What Of You, Bareil?

Bareil: I only harumph Kira!

Winn: Watch your ass, Bareil!

(Cardassian HQ)

Dukat: So far, my plan proceeds apace. Bajor will once again be part of The Cardassian Empire, if only I can prevent its entry to The Federation.

(Damar walks in)

Dam: Uh, Gul? Who were you just talking to? There's no one else in the room,

Dukat: Silence, Damar! Even you must fear the mighty wrath of Rusanor Dukat!

Dam: Rosanna Arquette?

Duk: NOT Rosanna Arquette! Rusanor Dukat!

Dam: Hey, take it easy. We still have the Orb Of Time. You can go back and erase her career.

Duk: Hardly worth the effort. Why, Damar! You've been injured.

Dam: Oh, that uppity human cut off my head, and the microsurgeon had to do a rush job! I am going to kill him soooo bad!!

Duk: No, I have a better idea for our POW. We'll send him to Bajor, and arrange with our spies in StarFleet to make him Federation liasion to Bajor.

Dam: Yes, with a human liaison, the Bajorans will take it as an insult, and never join the Federation. Say, what about my pay?

Duk: (Hands him an unsolved Rubik's Cube) Here, take this in lieu of pay. Its busted, in any event.

(Damar solves it within seconds; Dukat looks up)

Duk: You cheated!

(Now-Kai Winn addresses her people)

KW: Terok Nor is no more, and what's more more is that the Prophets have written that the one---obviously a Bajoran--- who is sent as Federation liaison will be the Emissary!

(Sisko walks in; Sees sign that says Hail The Emissary)

KW: So lets give a hearty greeting to our new.......human.

(All stare at a smiling Sisko)

Sisko: As The newly appointed..........

(He hears dozens of phasers charging, all aimed right at him; His eyes dart about)

Kira: People, we cannot question the will of the Prophets! Now lets...

(Phaser fire cuts her earring off)

Kira: Sir...you're on your own.

(Thinks quickly; Pulls out his phaser and puts it his own throat)

Sisko: Nobody Move---Or The Emissary Gets It!!

Leeta: Hold On--I Don't Think He's Bluffing.

Sisko: I MEAN IT! ANYONE MOVES, I'll blow his blessed brains all over this station!

(Goes To Normal Voice)

Oh, please, someone help me!

SHUT UP!!

Winn: Well, isn't anyone going to help that poor man?

Bareil: Eminence, that's a sure way of getting him killed.

(Sisko withdraws into the office with his self-hostage; The Prophets take him)

Bashir Prophet: We Are Of Bajor.

Dax Prophet: Bajor Is Of Us

Rom Prophet: Bajor Is Really, Really Dumb!