(We see Kirk, Spock and McCoy beaming down)
Kirk: I stayed on this world as a young ensign. I became a part of the tribe that runs it.
McCoy: Imagine. That poor mountaineer finding vast dilithium stores on his property while shooting at a rabbit! What are the odds?
Spock: By the way, Captain. Areel Shaw and Sam Cogley called you. It seems that they have moved to a small rural area.
Kirk: Let's not go there, Spock.
Spock: But I have heard that it is the place to be.
McCoy: There's the---Jim, that's a mansion! I thought you said they lived rustically.
Kirk: Wait'll we get inside...you'll see.
(A furtive figure then jumps Jim--they wrestle until he emerges the victor)
Elly May: Why, if it ain't Cousin Jim! You allus wuz the only one who could whup me.
(Elly May looks at Spock)
Elly May: Now how does a feller like you go about to whuppin someone?
Spock: Were I to attempt such an endeavor, Miss Clampett, I would bypass fisticuffs and make use of what some call The Vulcan Nerve Pinch.
(Spock demonstrates; But Elly May does not faint)
Elly May: Well, that sure is a nerve, a-grabbin at somebody's neck like that. Most folks'd be so offended, they'd leave ya be entirely!
(Spock stares at his hand, just wondering)
(Jethro waves and comes by; He is jumped by The Mugato)
Kirk: Jethro, don't move! I'll....
(Jethro simply punches The Mugato, who recoils)
Jethro: Hiya, Cousin Jim! Elly May--I abide your critters. But that one just keeps a jumpin me.
Elly May: (Grabs Mugato by the horn) Now look here, Mugie! Jethro here may be as dumb as an outhouse seat--but I warned ya bout jumpin folks. It ain't hardly proper. Now you go and clean the Cee-ment Sea! Git!
(Mugato grabs pool bug-net; Looks very afraid as it grunts and walks away)
Jethro: Cousin Jim--ya want I should tell my Uncle y'all are here?
Kirk: Yes, Jethro. If you would.
(Jethro puts his hand by the side of his mouth)
Jeth: Hey, Uncle Jed....
(Elly May punches him in arm)
Elly May: That ain't the way you do it!
(Whistles with two fingers; Yells at top of lungs)
Elly May: PA!!! COUSIN JIM AND TWO OF HIS FRIENDS IS HERE!!!
(Spock rubs at one ear)
(From inside emerges Jed Clampett; He's also rubbing his ear)
Jed: Elly May--I was just right inside the door!
Elly May: (Clueless) Ya wuz after I hollered for ya, Pa.
Jed: Jim--you are a sight. Wellll-Doggy! A Starship Captain. Can I ask ya somethin'?
Kirk: Of course, Jed.
Jed: Now--just what is it a starship Captain does?
Kirk: (Surprised) Errr-me an my crew go out among the stars. We explore the secrets of those uncounted stars.
Jed: Ya mean y'all ain't even bothered to count em' all? Jim, that ain't hardly like you. You used to be such a hard workin' man.
Spock: Mister Clampett, there are over 100 billion stars in our galaxy alone.
Jed: See? Now yer friend here, he already went and started countin. I'm right disappointed in you, Jim.
(McCoy thinks of his own rural upbringing)
McCoy: Mister Clampett, its not Jim's fault. He's suffering from--errrr-- Romulan Rheumatism. Isn't that right, Spock?
Spock: Indeed. He had meant to get---ta countin.
Jed: Well, why din't ya tell me? Now, Jim--you know we got a cure round these parts for all types of Rheumatism.
(They all follow Jed inside the house; Through to the kitchen)
Kirk: Jed--we're really here to talk about purchasing your dilithium for the Federation.
Jed: Well, Jim---I'm afraid you're gonna haveta compete with those Klingon fellas. They showed up first, so's they have first say.
(In the kitchen with Granny are Kang, Kor, and Koloth)
Kang: You will never have this planet, Kirk! The Empire will....
(Granny pushes Kang down into his chair)
Granny: Now you be peaceable and eat your meal!
(Kang looks at his plate)
Kang: What....is this?
(Granny nods and smiles)
Granny: A local specialty---Serpent Worms!
(Kang covers his mouth)
Kang: Gag!
Granny: Now that's a right good name fer it--Gagh!
(Not wishing to offend, the other two Klingons grin and eat their meals)
Koloth: A--a warrior's best meal!
Kor: Too bad we can't introduce some back in The Empire.
(Granny smiles)
Granny: I thought you might feel that way. So's I made plenty more. Enough to feed all of Q'onos!
(The Klingons roll their eyes; Kirk points)
Kirk: Jed--the Klingons are fiends. They ravage local environments. That swamp two miles away? They'll drain it and destroy its ecosystem!
Jed: Well, Howdy! That's right friendly of em'.
Jethro: That durned swamp is chock full of gators and skeeters!
Koloth: Mister Clampett---these weaklings will try to collect your rifles and take them away from you!
Jed: (Goes to the closet where thousands of rifles lay) Jim, if you do that, I'd be a grateful man. I got too durned many of these things.
Elly: Not ta mention the ones I got in my room. Pa, if Cousin Jim'll do that, I say we go with him.
Jed: Okay, then. Oh, Granny--Jim here has got hissself a touch of the rheumatis. You got some moonshine, help clear that up?
(McCoy thinks quickly)
McCoy: No-no! He HAD rheumatism. I cured it. Just before we beamed down.
Jim: (Smiles) Besides, that moonshine--is strong stuff. I'll pass, folks.
Granny: Hmmmm. A McCoy who's a Doctor, eh? Must come in handy, what with your kin a-goin at The Hatfields all the time!
McCoy: Well, Ma'am--I'm not one of those McCoys. My family was originally from a place called Bugtussle.
(Granny gets enraged)
Granny: Jed! Its one of them local McCoys! Fetch the shotgun!
(Except for the Klingons, they all run out, trying to restrain Granny as she chases McCoy)
Kang: So--Kirk fears this moonshine.
Kor: Well, I don't. Humans are so soft.
Koloth: This setback aside, let us toast the victory of the Klingon Empire!
(They drink; Then fall to the ground, screaming)
Kang: What--what's happened to us?
Kor: We're--we're freaks!
(Now, instead of TOS Klingons, they look like Movie/TNG Klingons)
Koloth: How can we go home like this?
Kor: Wait---what if we mix this moonshine into our homeworld's water supply?
Kang: We won't be freaks if everyone looks like this!
Koloth: If anyone asks--we'll just say we don't discuss it with outsiders!
Kang: Bring those serpent-worms! We'll sneak the moonshine in while everyone's gagging on them!
Kor: Yes. No way true Klingons would like these things.
(They leave)
(Outside--Granny has calmed down)
Granny: Lenny--ya shoulda told me ya wuz a McCoy from East Bugtussle. Its them West Bugtusslers ya hafta keep an eye on.
McCoy: Well, everyone knows that, Mrs. Moses. Do you have any collard greens?
Granny: Lemme check. Jethro! You eat lunch yet?
Jethro: No, Granny.
(Turns back to McCoy)
Granny: We got some, then.
Jed: Well, I guess we better get ridda all them Klingon phasers. Dangerous things. Doesn't leave hide nor hair left o' what you're huntin!
Jethro: Oh, don't you worry none, Uncle Jed. I made them phasers too heavy to carry around.
Spock: Jethro--how precisely did you accomplish this?
Jethro: Easy. They's a button on them, that makes them a load. So's I set em
to overload!(The Drysdales house next door goes sky-high as they all stare)
Jed : Jim?
Jed: Yes, Jed?
Jed: Someday---I gotta have a loooong talk with that boy!
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(On The Bridge, the TOS Seven emerge from the lift and begin waving)
Well, Now Its Time To Say Goodbye To Jim And All His Crew; And They Would Like To Thank You Folks For Kindly Passin' Through; You're All Invited Back Next Week To The Enterprise Right Here; To Explore Strange New Worlds Out In The Space Frontier; Final That Is; Seek Out New Civilizations; Y'All Come Back Now--Ya Hear?
Coming Soon - Deep Space Petticoat Junction and Green Acres: The Next Generation--and on Thursday -- Get Janeway!