(FF music plays)

Announcer: Its tiiime for The Family Feud! Introducing..The Enterprise Family! Uber-Captain James Kirk, his Comm Officer, underused character and longtime lady, Commander Nyota Uhura, and their MSish superhero son, Lieutenant Peter Kirk! Introducing The Ghidoran Family! Grand Admiral and Master Bigot Brock Cartwright, Attractive But Creepy Rear Admiral Teresa Bunson, and Sellout Loser Admiral William Komack! Now, here's Mister Family Feud himself, Richard Dawson! Lets start the Family Feud!

(Dawson runs out to kiss Uhura; K and PK glare, so he runs over and kisses Bunson instead; He then gargles with Hydrogen Peroxide—followed by bleach)

Dawson: Alright! Lets get to know our contestants!

Kirk: (Shrugs) I'm Captain Kirk.

Uhura: We are...pretty well known, Richard.

Peter: I'm a creature of prophecy...but mainly I'd like to buy a little home somewhere, and settle down with my wife.

Cartwright: In what location?! Heh. Just, just kidding. I'm in charge of Starfleet by way of conspiracy, murder, prejudice and my familiarity to readers who also watch DS9.

Bunson: I'm a perversion of an Orion Press character, based on common misunderstandings about that character. I personally dislike the way the word 'slut' has been degraded in our culture.

Komack: I'm a canon character gone horribly wrong. And I feel the way Teresa does, except about the word 'sellout'. In fact, it can be a beautiful thing.

Dawson: Well, lets have two of our contestants step up for question#1

(PK and Cartwright walk up)

Dawson: Ok, lets see if your answers match up with the survey we took of our studio audience. What do you look for while visiting an alien world?

PK: Local cuisine.

Cartwright: Human colonies looking to expand at any cost.

Dawson: Our survey says....

(Local Food is at like 167; Human colonies gets an X)

(Bunson and Uhura walk up)

Dawson: Question#2: If fixed up on a blind date, what is your minimum requirement for them?

Uhura: That they at least be pleasant and self-confident.

Bunson: That they at least have graduated kindergarten.

(Dawson and Uhura stare)

Dawson: Our survey said....

(Pleasant gets 205; Kindergarten gets a Double X)

(Kirk and Komack walk up)

Dawson: Question#3; If you get very bad service in a restaurant, what do you do?

Kirk: Ask very loudly to speak to the management.

Komack: There's no real call to stir up trouble, is there?

(Guess whose answer wins)

Cartwright: Very good, Mister Dawson. But now (Ghidorah appears above them; K and U grab large phaser cannons; PK powers up) its time for our lightning round!

(The chaos has Dawson ducking for cover; Ghidorah's lightning hits him; He dies)

1945, Germany

Newkirk: Colonel Hogan, sir! I just had me the wonkiest nightmare!

Schultz: Vas I in it, Newkirk?

Newkirk: No...none of you were in it.